Don’t know if because of all the gentle pressure I received yesterday from dear friends, I feel more cooperative today. Also, I want to save my own a*s, and keep my son around.
I will go to New Year’s party, will not try to dance with my son, will not get mad when she takes him to an isolated room, that is what she does all the time, these are not our first parties together, will stay out of their relationship.
Now, see the difference of what I am saying now, which almost makes me sick. I said “their relationship”, I did not say “my son’s relationship with that woman”.
I guess that is an improvement. OK Go ahead and tell me if I deserve a monument. For the effort I am making, well, kind of a monument. LOL.
The problem is not my good intentions. I always have good intentions. The problem is the following, and I will make an analogy with an anecdote/joke:
There was this man who liked very much a girl that he usually saw in the street. Every day he thought to him self, tomorrow when I see her I will tell her how beautiful she is, how shiny is her hair and how I would love to invite her for a date. If she accepts I will take her to the best restaurant in town, I will buy her flowers and if I get lucky she might make love to me in a future date. So, he is planning that order of events, he practices in front of the mirror, he practices with friends, memorizes his speech, and re-enact his order of events.
One day he sees the girl and she suddenly says “Hi, how are you?”
He suddenly blanks out, he paralyzes and he says abruptly: “Do you want to f*ck?
The point is, that no matter how good intentions I have, how much I practice, my son always go beyond, way much beyond of what I have expected, and he slaps me in the face and catches me off guard and there I go upset and triggered and miserable.
When I was upset for holding hands they were already kissing, when I was preparing my self to accept that, in a matter of days, they were already sleeping together, I had not even digested that my baby was having a mistress, because that is the name of fornication, mistress, ok, different times, they do, I cannot prevent it, suddenly he wants to take her to my mother’s house who has never allowed me to take anybody females or male to her house, no visitors, then he tells me that she does not want any guests of mine, she will take his. Against my will he takes this two months girlfriend to my mother’s house.
Now I am accepting that I will not see fireworks because GFM does not want to. I will go wherever GFM wants because I want to be with my son. I do not mean all the time, Christmas and New Year. I want to give a hug to my son at 12:00 on New Year. I want to be there. I will not ask him to dance, because GF does not like it. I will discipline my self so my son sees a good mother.
I am afraid he will do something further more dareful to stab me in the back, like he wants to hurt me. Or just to show me he is independent. But he does it in a disrespectful way, in public, causing me shame.
No matter what, I will try to be prepared to be a mature mother, but in front of the ocean of possibilities of who knows what he will be following her to do, on his own will, just to show me, I am not an authority anymore. I am little by little understanding. Assimilating. But then I do not know if I will be always challenged beyond my possibilities and preparation.
I cosigned ofr his car, I put him under my car insurance policy, it went up, he had an accident, he still does things that I disagree about driving habits. I do many things for him. How can he consider him self independent? Does he want my to sop paying his cell phone? Should I? I need to stay in contact with him, but he does not answer me, just sometimes. If I stop doing things for him GFM will do it.
I know, I am going in circles. Let us go little by little. One day at a time. Let us just plan for New Year’s eve. Only that. Then I will worry for the other things.
