Author Topic: Reluctance to Choose  (Read 1417 times)

Leah

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Reluctance to Choose
« on: January 01, 2008, 08:56:13 AM »
Reluctance to Choose

Narcissistically defended people frequently find tacit ways to get others to resolve ambiguities, to protect themselves from the possibility of turning out to be wrong.

For example, when a married couple in which the husband operates narcissistically reaches a fork in the road on a trip to a new destination, and is unsure which way to go, the husband will find a way to let his wife pick which road to take. If she turns out to be right, his superior position is protected because he can take credit for letting her choose the way; if she is wrong, he can resent her choice and imply (often nonverbally) that he, had he exercised his own preference, would have gone the other route.


The Inability to Apologize

Ever since the pioneering work of Klein (e.g., 1937), analysts have been interested in the process of reparation, with both internal and external objects. In a loving relationship perceived as temporarily damaged by one party's hunger or aggression, the (actual or fantasied) injuring party ordinarily seeks to restore the loving tone of the relationship. In adults, the usual vehicle is the apology.

What intrigues us about the reparation process when a narcissistic defense is operating is that what is repaired is not the damage to the relationship, but the subject's illusion of perfection. Narcissistically impelled people may be at least temporarily incapable of genuine expressions of remorse, because inherent in an apology is the admission that one is not needless and faultless. In characterological narcissism, this defect is sometimes embraced as a virtue, as in Woody Hayes's boast that he never apologized to anybody, or in the peculiar belief of Erich Segal's heroine that "Love is never having to say you're sorry."

In less gross manifestations of narcissism, the avoidance of apology is much more subtle, much less visible to those who might legitimately expect some expression of sincere contrition. What a narcissistically defended person seems to do instead of apologizing is to attempt a repair of the grandiose self in the guise of making reparation with the object. We have identified several different ways that narcissistically motivated people tend to substitute some other kind of interpersonal transaction for an apology. For the party on the receiving end of such a transaction, it also becomes a problem to restore intimacy, since it is difficult to forgive in the absence of the other person's genuine remorse.

« Last Edit: January 01, 2008, 08:59:54 AM by LeahsRainbow »
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gratitude28

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Re: Reluctance to Choose
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2008, 10:03:06 AM »
Wow, Leah, very interesting idea about choosing. I never thought about that before. I will have to think and see where that applies, but I am sure it is right.
Thanks for bringing up a new topic!!!
Love, Beth
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Re: Reluctance to Choose
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2008, 10:07:45 AM »
Dear Leah,

I have been on the receiving (or non-receiving) end of this so many times... wow!
Thank you for putting the problem into words.

Is there more, Leah? Along these lines:
"We have identified several different ways that narcissistically motivated people tend to substitute some other kind of interpersonal transaction for an apology."

Just look at that word "transaction"...  says it all, to me:  objectification, depersonalization, manipulation...
and for those of us who have ever felt like an accessory (or an ATM!) this surely explains the mechanics of all that.

Thank you, Leah!

Love,
Carolyn


alone48

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Re: Reluctance to Choose
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2008, 12:38:54 PM »
Leah,

You put it in to words beautifully. I can't think of how many times I was asked to make a decision, knowing that it was to let the other person off the hook. And receiving apologies that you know aren't meant at all, just words to apease if you even get that.