HUMOR for those who love Words

[Leah]

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

- A will is a dead giveaway.

- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

- A calendar's days are numbered.

- A boiled egg is hard to beat.

- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture: a jab well done.

- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.



A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of  the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '

Three days later he was watching a ball game on t.v. when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What in the world was that for?'
She replied...    'Your horse called.'

[changing]

Hi Leah-

Loved the humor!! Have a wondeful New Year!!!!

Love,

Changing

[Leah]

Hi Changing,

Thanks, with real Hope for you, to have a Wonderful Year ahead.

Much love, Leah

[lighter]

I liked small medium at large best, lol.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Leah,

Now this is my kinda humor    Thank you!

Here are some more for you....

With love,
Carolyn

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
 

[Leah]

    Thanks  Carolyn    

I love 'em .... some new ones to add to my ongoing list.


Love, Leah