No problem with no contact

[janisty07]

I am having a difficult time trying to make sense out of something.  I've detached myself from my n sister.  I had to.  I was so co dependent, it was all that I thought about.  I wanted so badly to make her see how wrong she was, and how terrible her actions were~ to not only me, but my son and our parents.  All of the other posts I read, the problem is after cutting off contact with the n and setting boundaries, the n will continue to call, or see the affected person. 
In my situation I guess I was hoping that if I cut off contact with my n sister, maybe she would realize how serious I feel about all of this.  I really thought maybe then she would try to contact me.  Ask me why I had cut off contact with her.  Instead, she is continuing to play the victim, and telling people that we both know that she doesn't know what is wrong with me, but I don't talk to her, and that's why she doesn't talk to me.   
After we had the big confrontation and I outed her, she told our entire family that she wishes I would drop off the end of the earth.  Now I feel like I have.  I thought she would behave the way the other n's do that I've been reading about.  I thought she would continue to at least try to contact me or talk to me.  Instead she acts now as if I were dead.  I guess I'm better off this way.....???

[Certain Hope]

Dear Jan,

It's weird, isn't it... and so painful.
Right now, sounds like your sister is garnering plenty of narcissistic supply from the audience before which she's playing the victim in this whole mess. She's not done milking that role... yet.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you eventually receive further communication from her... probably a scathing critique of all the imaginary ways you've ever victimized her... whenever she's ready to move on to the next level of her nasty game.

I'm sorry... but they really are so predictable... and I hope you'll steer clear.

With love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

The only way you could consider yourself better off... is if you didn't care about your niece.

How can you feel OK, free and out, when your niece is still   so  vulnerable?

I don't think there's room to be better, in your situation.  

You could go back, hat in hand, suggest you made mistakes and apologize..... have more access to your niece and perhaps really help her.

You could stay where you are.... on the outside.... looking for opportunities to see your niece and make the most of them when they come along.

You could let the relationship with your niece fade away and be haunted by that the rest of your days.


None of those choices seems sane or rational but you're not the one who's in control of sane and rational ..... your sister is, unfortunately.

I like the idea of seeing your niece every chance you can and making the most of it.  

Maybe things will change soon.... maybe you decide you apologize and make nice, admit you were victimizing your sister, to get more time with your niece?

Maybe your sister thinks that you'll come around if she goes NC with you long enough?

YOu thought she'd come around..... but.... Ns don't change.  

I'm sorry this hurts so much.  It really isn't fair.

[alone48]

I also have read about the contacts with N and their need to continue, but I don't think that's always the case. My N, which is and ex bf for lack of a better term, has totally cut me off and I really don't believe he will ever contact me again directly. He is able to abolish people from his life, as if they never exsisted. I saw it happen with his half brother and sister, counsin, and other friends. Should have warned me that everyone that displeases him is expendable. Though it hurts, it would be worse if he continued to string me along, I know this is different than a sister but maybe you need to think of this time as you're healing time. You can get stronger so you can deal with her when and if she returns.

[Certain Hope]

I was thinking, too... that it depends just how far the N feels you've ripped the phony mask from her face...

because N exposed is usually quite speedy about Xing you off her list, from my experience.

[Bella_French]

Dear janisty07,

I agree that its all about Narcissistic Supply. If the Narcissist has other forms of NS available, they'll let you go easily. If they do not, they'll stalk and harrass you. But it will be in a way tailored to get what they want from you. If the cool approach worls better with you, thats what they will use. If charm works better, they'll use that. Bu The important characterisitc is that they'll  ignore your boundaries completely.

 I agree with the others; she'll come for you, but only after her others people get sick of her.

Sorry to hear that you're going through it.

X bella

[JustKathy]

Jan, I'm so sorry that you’re having to go through this.

I agree that your sister probably WILL attempt contact at some point, when she’s no longer getting any gratification from her current method.

My N mother often changes her approach, depending on what does or doesn’t affect me. This wasn’t the case as much when I was younger and in contact with her. Back then, she could see what was working, and would stick with what she knew was hurting me. Now that she hasn’t seen or heard from me in seven years, she has no way of knowing what affect her games are having on me, so she’ll try something new after a year or so of not getting the desired response.

I can also tell you from my own experience that the “your dead to me” routine is not out of the ordinary. My mother used to play “I’m not speaking to you” all the time when I was a kid, not just to me, but to anyone in the family she was angry with. I remember when I was a child, my father took a trip back home to South Africa so he could see his mother before she died. M was so angry that she refused to speak to him for an entire year afterwards. On another occasion, she accompanied my sister on a trip to New York, and they had an argument on the plane. After they landed, M made her “I’m not speaking to you” announcement, and proceeded to give S the cold shoulder for the duration of the trip. She acts just like a child having a tantrum when she does this, complete with foot stomping and pouting.

Long story short, I don’t think your sister is behaving outside of the norm for an N. I’m not an expert, but from my own experience with an N mother, I’ve found that the primary goal of an N is to elicit a reaction. If one tactic doesn’t achieve the desired response, then another tactic will follow.

Kathy

[tayana]

Jan, I went no contact with my N mom for almost three months.  I have limited contact now.  When we were no contact, she acted as though I didn't exist.  She didn't try to continue contact at all, although I was sorely tempted several times to contact her, especially when I started hearing about her health problems.

In reality, you are better off.  No contact gives you time to get your feet under you, and decide how much or how little contact you want.  It gives you a chance to recover from the N abuse and develop some real confidence.

It's really hard, I know.  It's even harder when the N bad mouths you to other people, but it's really worth it, for your own sanity.  One thing I have learned is that you have to take care of yourself, because chances are, no one else is going to.

(((((((())))))))))