PM event

[Hopalong]

I was advised by a gentle, non-confrontational member to not comment, but I am going to anyway.

I think it's because of my brother's upcoming arrival. He bullied me throughout my childhood, intimidated and humiliated me, and was always dragging me behind doors and under the stairs for swift silent attacks my parents never witnessed.

That's how I felt several days ago when a member here PMd me, calling me "a hypocrite", "not the person I thought you were", "your friendship is not worth it" etc. She'd started with "you're in denial" (wanted me to agree with her that another member was a troll, and I didn't want to go there). Then her tone changed and...BAM. Name caling, sarcasm ("you support women's rights, yeah, right").

The history was that this member had PMd me once before calling me a coward. I was upset by feeling "dragged under the stairs" (it had happened before with another person...and led to me deciding that PMs were very private areas that I wanted to keep firm boundaries around, and not a place to be confronted or criticized). So...I had blocked her. And talked about the PM thing on the board.

She said on the board she was sorry, and over time, said she understood why I'd blocked her, and when I hadn't posted for a while said she'd missed me...being very sweet. For me as usual, it was instant forgiveness, so when she said all those things I said okay, and I unblocked her. All fine for a time. On the board, she was nice to me.

Then this episode happened and I realized the pattern was there again. She says she's not going to engage with me any more, so that's fine.

But I still have feelings to deal with about it. I feel I got a swift kick in the dark, and I want to say it upset me and angered me and I am hurt by it. It is triggering to me to have anyone PM me with criticisms of my character or motives, and I just want to say, if someone has something to confront me about, I would like it to be on the board. Not by PM. That's it.

I do not have any desire to name or shame person here but this has been bothering me and I realize I feel as though I have to keep it a secret. Just as I did as a little girl. So my voice here is being affected in some way.

I just want to deal with my feelings about it. Right or wrong, I have a right to speak about that.

thanks for listening,
Hops

[Leah]

Dear Hops,

Personally, I am very glad to * see * that you have chosen to not remain hidden huddled under the stairs in silence.

And please know that I support your voice, and your right to voice your thoughts and feelings.
 
I am truly saddened to know that you have been subjected to such abuse, truly I am.

Love to you,

Leah

[Lupita]

I always dislked PM. I only PM with nice people. I can count them with the fingers of one hand. I do not like PM. People like to offend there, so nobody knows.

[alone48]

This is one time I am glad that I am not computer literate, don't know how to PM and from what I'm hearing don't want to learn. Hops, don't let anyone bully you, stand strong.

[Ami]

Hops.
  I ADMIRE that you did not name  "names". Who it was is immaterial. You have kept your own dignity and the other person's. That is elegance and refinement.
 That is manners, quite frankly!            Ami

[Sela]

Hi Hops,

Another thing:  I don't think you are the only one who does not wish to be put down in pm's.  I doubt anyone here needs to have criticisms privately or publicly, for that matter.   The name calling thingy doesn't help most people, I bet, and I also bet the intention is not to help (when name calling). 

a hypocrite

in denial

a coward

Gee, that sounds so helpful doesn't it?  Kind and caring too eh?

Hops, these words say a lot about the person using them.  I'm glad you put your boundaries in place firmly and I hope you won't feel too angry or hurt for too long.

Being dragged under the stairs by someone who you thought was your friend is not nice.  At least  you were able to escape with your dignity intact.   Good for you Hops!  And thanks for sharing because you never know who this might help.

Sela

[teartracks]

Dear Hops,

Good for you,  saying how you feel about that encounter in PMland.  It points out that just because you are able to exercise restraint and civility in your posts doesn't mean you plan on putting up with shock and awe attacks behind the scenes or relax your stance of peace and goodwill on the board.

tt

[finding peace]

(((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))

This saddens me.  There is no escaping it is there?  I am sorry you were subjected to that - I just don't understand the why of it, why would someone do that?  Never really did understand that. 

I guess it tells me that this will occur no matter where you are and the best you can do is learn how to effectively deal with it.....as you have just done.

Please know that if we ever go toe-to-toe nose-to-nose I will respect your boundary and do this on the board.  - don’t really see that happening, but I respect your request.

One thing is troubling me and I am not sure if I should talk about this.  I too received a PM that named someone here as a troll.  It was not an abusive PM, but made mention of another member who claimed that someone was a troll.  I am left feeling icky and a little nervous about machinations behind closed doors.   Reminds me a bit of my FOO (btw – I have a brother much like yours and my heart goes out to you.)

For the record, here in the open – I would like to state that I don’t believe anyone here is a troll.


(((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))

Peace

[changing]

Sorry Hoppy-

You deserve better, everyone deserves better...Thank you for all that you have done for me, and everyone here.

Love,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Thanks, everyone.
It's okay.

Please don't worry.
PMs are for the most part friend-makers, in my experience.

love,
Hops

[Leah]

My thought on the subject of abusive PM's, is that simply bringing it out into the open is an ample enough statement,
and hopefully, in doing so, the person who chose to abuse someone, in blatant misuse of the PM facility,
may well be deterred from repeating the act with someone else.  Well, one can but hope.

Love, Leah

[CB123]

Hops,

I'm so sorry.  You are one the gentlest souls I have ever met.  I am always dumbfounded when some of the nicest people are the ones that kicked around by those who are threatened. 

I know you know not to buy into that garbage.  That it is really a reflection of the one dishing it out, more than it is you who is receiving it.  I am beginning to get a true appreciation of the damage that projection can do--to the person who is receiving it, the person who is giving it, and the onlookers.

I pride myself on being pretty computer literate--but I don't know what a troll is, in computer-ease.  In real life (?), trolls are mean, hobbit-eating creatures.  but you can always kill them by tricking them into standing in the sunlight, because trolls don't like the light.  Hmmmm.  So, what's a troll on a board?

Love you, Hopsy,

CB

[reallyME]

It seems to me that this person pmming you is rather unstable and maybe has some borderline disorder traits.

[Hopalong]

It's okay...I've done my share of projecting in my time.

I don't want to vilify the person at all. I may remind her of someone.
Or real parts of me upset real parts of her...

I am no saint either. We all do stuff.

It's okay, and thank you all for the comfort.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

These things.... they happen.

Not worried for you,  Hops......

Just glad you tried something new......  

crawling out from under the stairs and talking about it.

I don't know what it leads to.....

only that repeating old mistakes doesn't work too well for us.


I haven't the foggiest idea how letting bad behavior go consequence free, could be interpreted as anything genteel, however.  


Like we can't keep our good little girl titles if we draw attention to someone behaving badly.

                 Seems to me we've refined our ability to let others go consequence free, all too well.  

That's easy.

                Pointing out poor behavior is interpreted as an even worse offense though, so...... it's probably just as well you handled it the way you did, Hops.

God forbid you stop taking responsibility for other people's dignity.  ::nod::  



::waving to mud::

I know.......


my threads are showing, lol.