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Which one has the personality disorder?

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Singer:
So, it was Friday evening and I decided, for some reason, to try again. Called the Nmother around 6:30 pm. Local department store is having a summer sale; would she like to go sometime this weekend? Trying hard to be normal here – just Mom and daughter out for a shopping trip. Pretty usual stuff, right?

Ok, she’ll go. Make it Sunday because she has to color her hair first, (can’t have the waiting world suspect that there’s a gray hair on her seventy-nine year old head). That’s fine, Sunday it is.

Saturday morning the phone rings. Nmother can’t go because she thinks she’s getting a sore throat and cannot color her hair. Maybe I could bring her some groceries on Sunday instead. No problem, just tell me what you need. Spend forty-five minutes going over the grocery list; I’ll call her tomorrow before I leave for the grocery so she’ll know what time to expect me.

Sunday morning the phone rings. Nmother has decided she wants to be alone all day and spend the day in bed. Her throat is still scratchy and she has a vague pain somewhere in her midsection.

This is where I’m supposed to insist on bringing over the groceries. I know the drill. Spend the next hour listening to her various physical complaints, complaints about the neighbors, complaints about my brother and sister, complaints about her brothers and sisters, the grandkids, the gardener, my deceased father and all his relatives.

Ok, she’s old. Maybe everything does hurt when you’re almost eighty, Maybe everyone you’ve ever known does drive you nuts over time. I’d be more willing to chalk it up to age and play along except that she’s told me and others that she can’t stand the sight of me. Which leads me to believe that she’d like to go shopping, like to have her groceries delivered, but she’d like me to accommodate her invisibly. However, she’d like me to do it with visible annoyance so she can tell others how self-centered I am.

Plus, if I really loved her I’d know whether she really doesn’t want to go out, or to have me bring her groceries, or whether this is a test and what she really wants is to be persuaded.

Nmother to whoever will listen: “I really wanted to be alone last weekend, but she just INSISTED on doing these things. You KNOW how I always have put the needs of my kids (?!!!) first.”

I am certifiably nuts.

Thanks for listening,
Singer

Patsy:
No your definately Not nuts....all this game-playing by N's takes some working out to be one step ahead of being manipulated by it. (emotionally and physically)..doesn't it? :?

For me I short circuit it now by deciding what type of experience I want to have with them and whether thats possible or not given their condition.
Sometimes I let them be nutty and see them anyway..sometimes I can't be bothered putting myself through it again. The experience is always the same. I decided my flat forehead(brick wall bashing injury!! :lol: ) needs a break.

Anyone want to adopt me?? :lol: I sure would love a normal parent experience :lol:

Singer:
Well it was a set-up anyway. After regally commanding that I never call her again two weeks ago, she called last week to inform me that she wasn’t mad at me anymore. Nevermind that she had no reason to be mad at me in the first place. She was feeling chatty and I was the only game in town.

So I fell for it again. Now I’ve gone and left my poor, ailing elderly mother alone without food and companionship when I should have guessed that she really wanted me to come, but didn’t want to trouble me since I’m always so busy and she would never dream of asking anything of any of her children. Even though she always anticipated ALL our needs and all the relatives WARNED her that we would be spoiled.

I felt the old familiar dread while driving my spoiled self around this afternoon. I was going to be in trouble when I got home, even though I’ve lived alone for many years and I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. And nevermind that my mother's favorite companion is her big screen television from which she regularly orders Kansas City steaks and gourmet goodies which the UPS man leaves on the doorstep so that the issue of whether or not she can stand the sight of him isn't an issue.  Doesn’t matter because what I don't do is as damning as what I do do. Plus there's the matter of my evil thoughts.

There was a time when that cloud of doom would have led me to some emotional forehead bashing too, or at least rendered me immobile with guilt and shame, more my pattern of behavior.  This time I went to the summer clearance and bought two nice white blouses. Age does have it’s bright spots.

Singer

Patsy:
Sure was a set-up!!!
I call them "hooks" or "dangling the carrot" when I see them coming at me. Mind you these people are cunning as foxes and know what we want to..love/attention/approval or whatever..so they just change tack when the last one doesn't work.

New blouses..you go for it!!
Age sure does have it's compensations and other delights.
 :)

Anonymous:
Oh Singer - Big, Big hugs to you.  I know exactly how you feel.  I just keep hoping that one day things will change.  That is a question that I think can never be answered - it is totally unknown and that is why it hurts so much.  

I too drive myself crazy with all the uncertainty.....Are we doing the right thing?  Are we really the crazy one?  Do I have the personality disorder and she is normal?  Is it better to have a crazy mother than none at all?  etc etc etc.

I am having to take things one day at a time.  I don't know much, but I have at least figured this out:  Since I cut my mother off, my life has been better than it has ever been.  But every day is equally, if not more difficult.  I miss having a mother - even her.  It is hard to come to the conclusion that things will never "get better".  That she will never "see the light".  On my good days, I realize that it is not me - it is her.  My life has changed so much for the better in the last 2 months.  I am happier, less stressed, peaceful, and childlike.  The last one is the hardest.  I have been out of touch with the child within me for so long that I am having to slowly let her out and become familiar with her.  And most of all - just seeing my mother's phone number on the caller ID or her email address on the email puts me over the edge in anxiety.  That is the final sign I need to know that right now, this is right.   This is for me.  That is something she has never been able to offer - something just for me.

Will I ever stop second guessing myself?  Will I ever stop wishing things could be different?  Will I ever stop missing having a mother?  I don't think so.  But I have to take care of myself and so do you.  I know how sad the truth is.  I am in that valley with you, but the difference between your mother and me (and all of us on this board) is this - we are for you.  we want the best for your life.  we want you to be happy and fulfilled and successful and peaceful and allright.

Sending big healing hugs your way - and lots of prayers for clarity and peace.

Lots of love,
Your friend,
Michelle

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