in bed laying there thinking: "whose LIE is it anyway"

[reallyME]

No, this isn't about anything going on on the board, so defenses down...it's about bio mother.

I talked to her on the phone last night, and was telling her about how my daughters and I cleaned out the cupboards and painted them and caulked them to seal up the holes where roaches were getting in.

Her comment "ohhhhh ewww, disGUSTING! I could never...how could you LIVE like that...I could NEVER live like that, NO NO."  I said, "well, I live in an area of the Midwest where it's almost impossible to not have them.  We have exterminated, treated, repeatedly and it does no good.  They are gone for a while and then they come back."

Her reply: "your sister lives in the Midwest too, and she never has them."

me:  "Well, it's the AREA I live in, not all the Midwest and i guess it's just something you learn to get used to although we keep trying to get rid of them in various ways."

Her reply: "ugh, no no.  I couldn't do it.  That's just disgusting, ewww"

This morning I realized something...a lot of the fights I've had with my family/husband, were due to my taking on my mother's feelings/sentiments about MY life.  So, I asked myself today "whose LIE is it anyway?"

By LIE I mean, the things she gets MAJORLY PARANOID about and next, I find myself JUMPIN all over my family because SHE was paranoid about things.  It's a LIE because I don't actually FEEL like she does.  It's also a PROJECTION on her part, onto ME.

No more.  It's HER lie, not mine.

The truth is, most of the things that bug her, do NOT bug me one iota, UNTIL I TALK TO HER.  It's not a need for N/C again, but definitely a need for dignified DETATCHMENT from taking on her emotions and strong attitudes about my life.

whew.

~Laura

[Overcomer]

L-Exactly!  You nailed it.  This is just the way my life plays out too.  But I have gotten to the point that I am catching myself more and more.  Like last night my mom was telling me what to do but a majority of the people were not doing it so I just stood still and basically did NOT do what she wanted me to.  Before I might have yelled out MY MOM WANTS US ALL TO DO THIS!  But I realized I did not have to comply with her wishes.  But Laura I can relate to living your LIE according to HER will.

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  We have roaches (lol)-true confessions. It is the part of the country, like you said,not your housekeeping ability.    Love   Ami
     
I have so much to add on this thread. I am going out and will be back later. I am getting to the same place with my M, finally after all these painful years. Great thread, Laura!

[changing]

Hi Reallyme-

My father would often ask how much money I had in the bank, etc. I hve supported myself since I was in my mid-teens and he had inherited property and money and was supported until a later age than I was. He struggled in his youth but eventually became wealthy and then inherited as well.
 It hurt when he would say that I hadn't saved enough, as if somehow as a person I was deficient- I tried to think of his inquiries and comments as an attempt to help me navigate life better, and ignore any dismissal of me as a person because I was not rich enogh. In the end, despite his wealth, I ended up paying for the things he needed in  the rotten hole nursing facility that the Stepmonster placed him in. Mindblowing.
Just do what you know is right and stand upon that Reallyme- you will find your balance and strength there.

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  S/times when I want to "give up', I think of you. You have such a strong, enduring spirit--going on and perservering despite terrible odds-----still a shining light to others. You humble me, Changing.        Ami

[changing]

Ami-

Thank you for the encouragement. Sometimes I reach the end of my rope, but somehow get pulled back in! You have done that for me here. hope you have a wonderful day !

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  I am at exactly the same place you are with my M. It hit me that I was a "clone"'sent out by the N as a 'duplicate". I have not been thinking my own thoughts or feeling my own feelings. I abdicated my life to my M. I didn't even know it. I was numb and lost inside,but I had been this way for so long that it was 'normal".
  Yesterday,it hit me that it is NOT my M's life. She is far away. She was always near b/c she "ruled " my thoughts.
  It is totally new ,for me, to try to take ownership of my own thoughts.
   I was told that my thoughts were 'bad". I still feel like they are. That is where I am,right now.
  However, I feel more centered and more of a connection to my emotions.
   What is reallly bad is when you ARE s/one's clone and don't even know it---bleh.
 Thanks for a great topic, Laura.      Love   Ami

[reallyME]

Changing, I know how it feels to have someone say you aren't good enough, rich enough, adequate enough, haven't done enough or done it RIGHTLY.  I have an N daughter who does that to me regularly.  sigh  I'm so sorry for your pain.

Ami,  Here is where my frustration is.  I want to tell you what to do right now.  I want to say "your n mother is far away LEAVE HER THERE< STOP TALKING TO THE WOMAN, LET HER GO"  however, if i do that, it makes ME appear to be controlling...the problem is, the people who come to me, are LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TELL THEM WHAT TO DO, cause, like you, they don't have a firm grasp on where they begin and mother ends.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.  I feel like i have answers for MANY people and the answers are always "either do this or this, PERIOD.  to me, it's Sooooooo simple, but I got on meds, straightened my brain out, so now it IS simple, now I CAN stop doing something that is not healthy or right.  Others are back where I was before meds, before counseling, before I re-gained objectivity and I'm never sure who I can suggest what to anymore in these cases.

~Laura

[changing]

Hi Reallyme-

Thank  you for your understanding. What I was trying to say is that it is hard to get your mind around a parent's criticisms when one is doing the best possible. At some point it can be understood as  simply concern, or as an excuse for rejection and abuse. One must continue to act rightly and carry on, regardless- there is peace in that.

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  YOU have permission to give me advice(lol). I don't give that permission to just anyone(lol). Thanks, friend,for caring.     Ami

[reallyME]

thanks ami, but I am trying to have more tact in my advice or responses.