Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

another new member curious about NMoms

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Anonymous:
As Sonia says it really seems that N's cannot hear.  But perhaps we can still talk. It just might do YOU some good Train. And that's a GOOD thing! WHat do you need to say to your mother? Why not type it out here and have a look at it.Or rehearse it with your therapist. There are of course ways to put things that might slightly improve the odds of being heard. Those "I" messages people refer to rather than blaming accusing messages.

I have a flyer about a book called: Goodbye Mother Hello Woman - reweaving the Daughter Mother relationship, by Mary Dell and Marilyn Boynton. From the flyer:" "Every woman is a daughter whose life is interwoven with her mother. Here is a book to untangle the threads of the old relationship and reweave new ones." ..."In our 30's we can return home to cut the emotional umbilical cord with Mother. Saying goodbye to Mother in her role as Mother means: releasing old feelings that restrict growth; replacing negative childhood messages with empowering messages; choosing new options in the relationship.

..."as adult daughters we are no longer victims of fate, but rather co-creators of our own destiny."

What reading this does for me, is affirm that it is our right to individuate, grow apart from our Mothers, perhaps to come back as stronger people but perhaps not, the relationship may be too damaged. You will have to be the agent of change. Most mothers, perhaps even normal ones! don't like their relationships to change too much.  I took "the Board"[voicelessness] into battle a few weeks ago when I saw my mother. It made me stronger to know how many other people were wrestling with these problems.

I too felt like I didn't want to hurt my mother. In some ways she is impervious, in other ways very sensitive. But personal growth and change often happens with pain.. If she suffers a bit, it might be good for her too in the long run.  But she has had more life than you. It's your turn to expand and breathe. May "the board" be with you.

Les

nassim:
Hi Train,

My Mom was alot like yours. She would blow in the wind morality wise because if I did something wrong she would justify it so she could always look better.

Of course that didn't help me grow up to be a morally strong person but that is an issue I'm working on now. I have to. The way I operate in the world now doesn't work. I've been in trouble with the law and don't want to repeat that experience again.

That's what got me doing research. And I'm in therepy and my guy said my Mom is an N. That really answers questions for me, but I still have repair work to do. Lots of it.

Nassim

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