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Acceptance?

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Ellie:
For those that feel they are sufficiently in a healing process I pose this question:
Is the real healing just the point at which we simply accept our fate, that we have been voiceless and will remain voiceless?

I have come to the conclusion that I know what has happened in my family - but I cannot change them - therefore I accept that I will remain voiceless to them and must move on.

I realize that there is no cure, I will be cautious of meeting new people, and never let down my guard to let them into my life for fear that after they get to know me, they too will realize ignoring me is the simplest way to deal with me.

I realize that my H has spent 17 years learning to tune me out when I need attention the most. I shut down when I see he has heard enough.

The problem I see is that continuing the process of healing is being able and allowed to talk it out when pain suddenly rears it's ugly head - flashbacks so to speak - and if a friend or family member cannot relate to the pain, they have no desire to hear about it. Therefore, they ignore your cries for help. Past history has taught us all to back off when we become voiceless - it is the measure we have learned to deal with for so many years.

So is the healing really only acceptance and learning to keep moving through life keeping the pain inside, but knowing the source. Does anyone ever recover?

Singer:
Wow, that’s a really good question. I don’t think that healing is just accepting your fate. That’s giving up, not healing. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s necessarily about finding someone who’ll listen whenever you need to be listened to either, although that would be nice. The problem there is that you’re still putting the ability to heal into another person’s hands, which is good if you find a person like that, but not so good if you don’t.

For me there have been two problems. First of all I felt responsible for my N mother’s unhappiness, because that’s how she deals with it, by blaming others. Secondly I’ve had to find a way to live with my own hurt and feelings of rejection.

I’ve had to recognize that I’m not responsible for my mother. If I disappeared off the face of the earth today she’d still be unhappy and still find someone to blame. I love her, but I can’t fix her. That’s where faith helps. I’m not the creator of all this, and if I don’t always understand what’s going on, it’s because I’m only human and there’s only so much I’m meant to understand. Although I do think we’re supposed to do the work and try to make sense of things in order to grow.

As far as the pain of feeling voiceless, that’s a matter of expectations. If I demand to be heard by a family that will never hear me, then I’d better reconcile myself to a life of pain and frustration. Take it out of their hands and find your voice somewhere else. I can’t tell you where, and I haven’t found out for myself yet either. But I’m working on it.

Those are just a few thoughts. I hope it doesn’t sound too complacent, or like I think I have the answer, but you’ve posed a big question and it’s hard to give a short reply. I look forward to hearing what others have to say.

Singer

mighty mouse:
Hi Ellie and Singer,

I used to feel like "little voice" but decided that was my problem to deal with as I would never be heard by certain individuals.

I have accepted my fate. And I found different places to have a voice. I in fact have found that just raising my voice a bit, looking people in the eye instead of away, having empathy (an issue I needed some work with) for someone, and just not expecting things from people makes it all easier to have a voice.

As for bringing people into my life, I now have internal standards and boundries that I enforce and try to get to know someone before they are allowed in. The difference is that I now trust myself. I think that is the key.
With Ns you are always being second guessed and invalidated. I have had to cut that malignant tumor, and boy has it been good for me. I am now starting my second year of being N free...sounds like AA a bit  :) Hi, my name is MM and I have been N free for 1 year and two weeks.

I also found I needed to work on my sense of humor. I now laugh out loud. It is a good feeling. I think being silly is good too.

I hope that helps a smidge.

MM

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Ellie ---Is the real healing just the point at which we simply accept our fate, that we have been voiceless and will remain voiceless?
--- End quote ---


For me healing meant improved interactions with others so I wasn't miserable all the time. One gets a "voice" when more in command of one's life.


--- Quote from: Ellie ---I have come to the conclusion that I know what has happened in my family - but I cannot change them - therefore I accept that I will remain voiceless to them and must move on.
--- End quote ---


You may now be aware that some people are limited in functioning, you accept this sad state of affairs, and adapt to it (find ways to strategize so your life will run smoother).



--- Quote from: Ellie ---I realize that there is no cure, I will be cautious of meeting new people, and never let down my guard to let them into my life for fear that after they get to know me, they too will realize ignoring me is the simplest way to deal with me.
--- End quote ---


I think caution is totally wise. But rigidly guarding yourself seems a bit much.



--- Quote from: Ellie ---I realize that my H has spent 17 years learning to tune me out when I need attention the most. I shut down when I see he has heard enough.
--- End quote ---


Well, this is a major relationship issue. It's probably a dynamic between the two of you that's pretty complicated.



--- Quote from: Ellie ---The problem I see is that continuing the process of healing is being able and allowed to talk it out when pain suddenly rears it's ugly head - flashbacks so to speak - and if a friend or family member cannot relate to the pain, they have no desire to hear about it. Therefore, they ignore your cries for help. Past history has taught us all to back off when we become voiceless - it is the measure we have learned to deal with for so many years.
--- End quote ---


I think what you're saying is that your needs overwhelm and then trigger other people's stuff. They can't give what you need. And they withdraw for self-protection. So you feel abandoned and retraumatized. I can't remember if you're in therapy, but this is exactly what therapists are there for!



--- Quote from: Ellie ---So is the healing really only acceptance and learning to keep moving through life keeping the pain inside, but knowing the source. Does anyone ever recover?
--- End quote ---


Healing is not about keeping the pain inside. It's about finding ways to express it, manage it, and move through it, so that you can remain functional and have a pleasant life.

bunny

lynn as guest:
Hi Ellie,

my heart goes out to you.  I can feel the uncertainty and sadness in your post.


--- Quote ---So is the healing really only acceptance and learning to keep moving through life keeping the pain inside, but knowing the source. Does anyone ever recover?
--- End quote ---


I'm early in the process... So far, I feel quite similar to you... that perhaps acceptance and awareness is the best place one can get to.  I think that being voiceless may be a vital part of who I am, that maybe at some level I will always be voiceless, and maybe I got caught up in N relationships because I wanted relationships with distance.  It's sad to think that this could be true.  And I hope that time will prove me wrong.  Despite these nagging negative thoughts, I do leave myself open to the possibility of something different, a new joy.  

Perhaps one finds acceptance in this area of ones life and with that acceptance can build a stronger foundation, a greater wisdom in other areas.

I remind you that with or without a voice, you are a valuable human who can love and be loved.

All the best,

lynn

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