Posted by Certain Hope:
The Indifferent-Uninvolved Model of Parenting -
1. Tending to orient one's behavior primarily toward the avoidance of inconvenience.
2. Responding to immediate demands from children in such a way as to terminate the demands.
3. Being psychologically unavailable
After even just reading these three things, I understand why Anna is the way she is and I again own that responsibility of being IRRESPONSIBLE AND UNAVAILABLE out of my own NEED TO BE NEEDED back in the years 2001-2004.
The findings for the Indifferent-Uninvolved model were as follows (see Maccoby and Martin, pp. 48-51): Children of psychologically unavailable mothers showed deficits in all aspects of psychological functioning by the age of two, greater deficits than occurred with the other patterns of parental maltreatment. In four- to five-and-a-half-year olds, paternal uninvolvement correlated with aggressiveness and disobedience.
Because Anna was a very troubled infant and toddler, as well as a physically violent one, although I lovingly breastfeed her, sang to her, talked with her, nurtured her, up until she was about 3, yes, I do believe there was a point in which I couldn't handle her angry, dangerously violent temper anymore, and I psychologically distanced myself to a degree, eventually resulting in my choice to STAY DISTANT from EVERYONE. I had no support from my husband during the times I was alone with Anna.
If anyone has ever watched Dr Phil or any talk show or 20/20, you've seen those children in rages, screaming "I HATE YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU MOMMY!" and those who kick their mothers in the shins, dig them with their nails, slap them, spit on them? THAT WAS ANNA from toddler years on up till she could switch it to verbal abuse. Since it happened while Roland was at work, when I'd tell him about it, he wouldn't believe me and, because of his own avoidant traits, he would say "oh now, it's over with, don't dwell on it. Tomorrow is a new day!" This went on until Anna was about maybe 7 year old I think. The verbal abuse died down for a while, until she reached 12 years old. Anna went through puberty at age 8.
Things get worse by the age of fourteen: Children were:
impulsive (in the sense of lacking in concentration, being moody, spending money quickly rather than saving it, and having difficulty controlling aggressive outbursts), uninterested in school, likely to be truant or spend time on the streets or at discos; in addition, their friends were often disliked by their parents. [They] tended to start drinking, smoking, and heterosexual dating at earlier ages. Continuities to the age of 20 were found. At this age, [they were more likely] to be hedonistic and lack tolerance for frustration and emotional control; they also lacked long-term goals, drank to excess, and more often had a record of arrests.
They were also less likely to have strong achievement motives and to be oriented to the future. Neither of these findings would surprise either an authoritarian, authoritative, or harmonious parent.
Although the above really don't apply, below definitely does:
In the pattern of rejection, the child is turned prematurely away from the parent toward independence.
The affects toward the child range from coldness and sternness to wishing the child away or dead.
Essentially, the parent communicates to the child that he is disliked or unwanted. The parent in addition may neglect the child
be being physically or psychologically unavailable. The child learns at an early age to turn his attention away from the parent
when needing comfort and that independence and individual strength are highly valued.
I was cold and I wished my entire family away during those 3 years, out loud. I was an AWFUL parent during that time and it would be very easy to beat myself down over it. I still feel sad when I think about it. I wish sometimes I could re-live those years, but then I also have to see the entire "picture" of the emotionally-absent spouse, the mother-in-law we were living with, who was covertly abusive toward me and overtly abusive toward my children, especially the oldest.
I was very psychologically unavailable and at times, physically too. This does explain why Anna learned the message that she was going to have to make it on her own. In fairness to me too though, Anna was never a type of child who would LET me get close to her either, so my efforts became frustrated and I guess I gave up trying at a point and made up my mind to just not care. It's beyond sad to me. It was such an impossible situation.
.... The child's inability to obtain responsive care from the parent leads to a working model of relationship reflecting confusion and struggle.
Anna's inability to obtain responsive care...well, that's the thing...from the git go, Anna wanted me to care yet when I'd try to come close in any way, she would get mean and push me away, physically hurt me or verbally rip me apart. I realize some of you might be thinking "oh COME ON, this was a cHILD! How can I child have THAT MUCH POWER over an adult?" She had all the power of teen when she was angry, even at a young age. I took her to anger-counseling and thankfully, eventually the physically lashings ended at around age 6 or 7. The verbal anger abated for a little while and then got worse the older she became.
.... Parental behaviors derived from fear are especially frightening to children, who cannot comprehend their cause.
I had a badddddd temper problem. As I began to notice that my husband was never fully emotionally "with me" I became so frustrated and felt so alone. The responsibilities of housework and childraising were fully on my shoulders, unless I wanted my abusive in-laws to baby sit or my husband to "make the children MIND" through the way his tyrant-father made HIM mind. I did not want my children beaten into submission, so therefore, I became the sole "parent" during the younger years and during Anna's most abusive times.
I'm sure my angry outbursts at Roland scared the children. They couldn't understand what was wrong and I really couldn't say to them "honey, your father wants to beat you and, since I won't let him, he is ignoring me, withholding sex from me and so I feel all alone, especially because Anna is so violent toward me and I can't seem to stop that." You can't tell children such things at 2 and 3 years old.
In these cases, the child is presented with an unresolved paradox inherent in the parent-child relationship.
I can see this so clearly now.
The safe haven is also a source of alarm.
Sadly, true
Moreover, the conflict between opposing tendencies to approach and to flee from the attachment figure
stems from a single external signal (threatening or fearful parental behavior). This approach-avoidance conflict is internalized by the child.
I can see where Anna figured it might be unsafe to approach me for help, support, etc, however, I also again have to look at the entire picture here. Still, I wish I could say I would have done things differently. The only thing I'd have done differently, is KEEP ALL THE CHILDREN IN COUNSELING FOR ALL THOSE YEARS AND MYSELF AS WELL.
... It is the human context of subjective experience that contains the imprint of trauma.
Situations in which the parent is unable to receive the child's communications in an empathic manner, perhaps because of her own psychopathology or traumatic experience,
That was explained above.
tend to exacerbate the child's difficulty and perpetuate the internal conflict.
Yes.
For the child, the result is confusing, frightening perceptions of external reality.
I can see this being the case as well. My eldest daughter and I need to have a serious talk about all this I think (Carol, the eldest, is the daughter who left at age 13, hated me for a while and now is very close with me and is the child who is most like me too)
Burdened by these intense experiences, the child resorts to maladaptive defenses of denial, avoidance, and splitting.
When I read this, it was like a WEIGHT WAS LIFTED! I thought 'SO THAT EXPLAINS THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN IN ANNA!"
Anna definitely LIVES in DENIAL. When confronted about mistreating me now, in front of her father, she will say "huhhhh? I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't say a word to you. You're trippin!" then she laughs this phony nervous laugh and my husband says "it's over and done with, don't worrrrrrrry about it. it's history. just drop it dear" (to me)
Avoidance: Anna's solution to anything she doesnt like is to ignore it, focus elsewhere, or if I ask her something or I make a statement she will flip her head around and say "ANNNNNNNNYway..."
Splitting: This is probably the times when she'd be home with me acting one way and then in public acts another way. Her boyfriend's mother informed me that "noooooooo I NEVER saw that side of Anna you describe. She is so QUIET when she comes here, hardly says a word unless I talk to her first" (of course Anna tells me that her boyfriend's mother can't stand me but is pretending to like me)
These defenses curtail differentiation and integration of feelings and result in enmeshed pathological representations of self and other and/or disorganized attachment systems...
I'd like to understand this one more. Could anyone put this into clearer terms for me so I can consider it in relation to this situation with my daughter?
When a parent is deficient in her capacity for mature empathy, her relationship to her child is also impaired. The synchrony within the duet is not harmonious, and the relationship becomes symptomatic...
Wow! symptomatic...now THERE is a word! Mine and Anna's relationship is definitely THIS.
from avoidance and rejection, to role reversal, to aggression and fighting, to immoral acts...
I discussed avoidance already, but yes, REJECTION of her by me and as a result, often ME by her.
Basically, I want her to leave if she is going to continue to mistreat me verbally. (rejection by me in response to rejection by her)
Role Reversal - no thanks to my dysfunctional spouse, he has put Anna into my role as wife. I have commented in other posts about how this is happening.
Aggression: Verbal
Fighting: Whenever I try to take a stand with her on any issue.
Immoral Acts: Pregnant by a 16 year old and didn't want to tell me, because of the reason she did it...to GET BACK AT ME
Yes, it all makes such sense now, Carolyn. Thank you for this post for sure. I am going to keep pondering it and keeping it in mind when I'm trying to interract with Anna.
