Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Been thinking about Father's Day
nassim:
Spirit,
Being offended to me means giving your power to someone else. I try not to ever do that. It's different if someone is being insulting on purpose. I didn't see you being offensive or insulting.
Nassim
Dawning:
I am unclear about my needs and feel naked and vulnerable much of the time now. It feels like getting kicked out of the family...being an orphan all over again. No one seems to want to have anything to do with me if I can't meet their needs.
Thank you to the people who posted on this thread and for sharing your insights and personal concerns. Spirit, you didn't offend me at all. If a thread I start helps someone else along and they can use their voice to heal then so much the better for all of us. :) Peace.
Portia:
Hiya dawning:
--- Quote ---It feels like getting kicked out of the family...being an orphan all over again.
--- End quote ---
Were you ever in a family? I wasn't, consider myself now to have always been an emotional orphan and only just starting to 'grow up' emotionally. If you feel like this, you are not alone!
--- Quote ---No one seems to want to have anything to do with me if I can't meet their needs.
--- End quote ---
Ditto. There seem to be very few real people about. Or maybe the unreal ones are just attracted to me! Maybe I should look harder at the people who aren't attracted to me, the ones holding back, they're probably more real. But then again, I find it very wearing, like with my neighbour, she saps the life out of me by non-stop talking. And I find it hard to say no. Where are all the people who don't have lots of weird needs they want met? I don't know! But I'll keep looking....take care, P
Dawning:
Hi Portia.
--- Quote ---Were you ever in a family? I wasn't, consider myself now to have always been an emotional orphan and only just starting to 'grow up' emotionally. If you feel like this, you are not alone!
--- End quote ---
Thanks for that. I think my parents did everything they could to delude me into thinking I was IN a family but how could it be so? I learned to distrust myself at an early age. Programmed into believing lies. It feels like there are so many lies on top of the truth and I am picking them away one by one.
Dad, you didn't come to see me. I had to beg you to see me when I was 12 and you reluctantly agreed. The last time I saw you I was 21 and now you are sending me msgs on 4th July telling me that you miss Elvis. You WEREN'T in my life. But you tell me I had a family. Mom, you talk about others being responsible for their choices and yet you have a reason - ALWAYS something I did wrong - that explains YOUR behaviour. You can't even ask how I am doing. That is such a scary thing for you. You can ask how the cats are but not me. I will never get the truth from you but I will get it from somewhere. I can't take any more lies. I have given up so much of my life believing in a fantasy that - if I let you both have your way with me - I would get what I wanted....a family.
(part of a letter I wrote to my college-aged friend just a few minutes ago)"The morning's are the worst. To think that you had a friend that you could share so much with, with so much potential and it turns out to have not had any meaning to him. I think that is a direct link to my parent-issues. He won't even email me to say that he is sorry that the last time he saw me by accident, he looked up at me and said, "hi, another woman's name?" what DID we have? And why do I feel that I lost my virginity and my heart has gone back to 14 years old? Because - maybe...just maybe...I am reclaiming all the years that were stolen from me. "
Sorry if that sounds overly-dramatic. I just learned that in Berlin people jump in the fountains naked in the summer. HAHA. The whole idea of nakedness - in the figurative sense - makes alot of sense. I always wanted to hide who I really was. Now I am imagining that I am naked - allowing myself to be vulnerable - in my present situation. I am who I am...reclaiming all the lost years. Is that possible? Does that explain why I get on the swing in the park and listen to 4-5 songs on a CD while swinging. It feels good afterwards. Gotta keep an eye on my bike. My old one got stolen while I was swinging in a feverish state last weekend. I wonder what that says....NOW I lock my bike. :shock:
--- Quote ---Ditto. There seem to be very few real people about. Or maybe the unreal ones are just attracted to me! Maybe I should look harder at the people who aren't attracted to me, the ones holding back, they're probably more real. But then again, I find it very wearing, like with my neighbour, she saps the life out of me by non-stop talking. And I find it hard to say no. Where are all the people who don't have lots of weird needs they want met? I don't know! But I'll keep looking....
--- End quote ---
Hmmm. If you look at the ones holding back -who aren't attracted - would you try to speak with them about that? How would you go about making a connection with them? As for your neighbor, she sounds like she doesn't understand how to have a conversation that seems *real* to you. I understand about sapping the life out of me and I find it hard to say no too. But I am SO tired - sapped out of - giving away alot of power to people so quickly and intensely when I feel a connection. Weird needs, yeah...something to consider about myself. Anyway, I think its all about give/take. Say no when need be. Say yes when need be. I'm looking for balance now. I'm trying to figure out who I am and what my needs are and separating from my parents. Maybe they are the ones with the weird needs. Sifting through the pain is difficult work. You take care too. <<Hug>>
Dawning:
Nassim, now I understand what you mean here:
--- Quote ---Being offended to me means giving your power to someone else.
--- End quote ---
Thank you. Sometimes it takes me awhile to *get* things that, perhaps, come easier to others.
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