Allow you to build emotion and then change the subject, putting you down.

[Lupita]

One huge characteristic of N is that they ask you questions. They let you build excitement about your answer, and when you start enjoying a momentum, they change it for something else.
My mother did it all the time. GFM does all the time and many friends do it too.
After they have done that to you several times you feel bad with the person and you do not want to interact with the person, but you take time to start relating it to what the person does.  You just know that everytine you interact with that person you end up feeling bad.

An example:
What do you think of Hillary health care plan?
Well, I would love to see some specifics that ……..
Where would you like to eat.

What do you think fo your son’s new GF?
Well, they only know each other ofr three months only and……
Look at the bird, isn’t it beautiful?

My son was talking about opening a small money market account to start buying stocks of ten or 20 dollares. He was excited talking about that.
GFM interrupted him, let us review these Cds.

Friends ask you your opinion  and they do not give a peanut about it.

There are many threads that I do not even try to post. I know I will end up feeling bad. I hate when I am ignored. It happened all my life, as child and as adult.

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

I have created a thread that no-one has posted to, but, that's okay by me, I don't have any expectations.  However, there are a number of people who have read the thread and so my hope is that what I have typed has been of some use, maybe.

Don't think we can all post to each other all the time with so many threads and postings occurring at the same time.

I don't speed read, instead, I take my time, so by the time I have read a thread, and then go back to the board listing, much has happened!!!  

Threads and postings have a way of flowing, and sometimes one does feel cut out or cut off, but again, as I mentioned yesterday, by standing aside from ones feelings and emotions, and also, not taking it personal, helps to overcome disappointment etc.

The only difference would be if one was being treated rudely and/or being deliberately ignored, of course.

Hope my waffling is a help and not a hindrance to you.

Leah

[Lupita]

Lea and bean, thank you. That is not the point. Everytime that I have written to you, you always given me a recogntion about what I wrote. Iether good or bad, it does not matter, but that you cared and sai, thankyou ofr your  response, I will use it or I disagree. But there is an aknowledegement that "yes I saw your post".
But there are people who totally ignore it. That makes me feel bad, and it has happened several times. I will not fall in to that trap again. I will not. In fact, I ha stopped, but I will do it ofr longer this time.
When each time you interact with a person and you feel bad, something is going on.
I am not saying that the person is good dor bad, probably my fault, but I feel bad and I do not need it.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lupita,

I would like to try to explain something that goes on with me. I hope that's okay. I'm doing it because I know you are feeling hurt and that awareness hurts me, too.

Lupita, I have a bad habit of trying to rescue people and fix things.

For instance, it would be my usual habit to realize that you were hurt on that other thread and just disappear from the conversation myself, rather than continue to post... because I wouldn't want to be part of what was hurting you.

Or ...

I might see that Leah, for instance, who is my very good friend, has a thread to which no one has responded... and I may rush over there to post something, just to make her feel better... rather than to respond to someone else, who may actually be waiting for my reply in an ongoing discussion.

I used to do those things and it was not really helpful at all... it just made me feel better, for a bit... like that was my purpose for living. It is still hard for me to not do it, but I know that it must stop.
 
Dear Lupita, my confidence gets very shaky at times, too. It is part of growing up, I think.
I only want you to know that I understand, I feel the same sometimes, and each time we meet the challenge I believe we grow stronger. That is my hope for you, so that you don't have to suffer so much.

With love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

I might see that Leah, for instance, who is my very good friend, has a thread to which no one has responded... and I may rush over there to post something, just to make her feel better


Oh, my goodness, Carolyn

Please don't do that, please don't, there is no need, truly, as I am a mature healthy adult, and as I keep on saying, I stand aside.

Sometimes, a thread is informative, and it is just that, as in the one to which I have referred to with Lupita, and as such, I would not expect responses, the fact that people have read it, would suffice for it's purpose.

Love, Leah

[Lupita]

Thank you Bean, CH and Lea.
I hate when I ask and get no asnwer. I shoud have been acostume to that. I stopped posting to people who do not answer. I fell again. I am mad at my self, for not enforcing my boundaries.
Thank you, I relate to all of you.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Leah,

I believe you, I really do... it is just such a strong drive/ compulsion within me to try to prevent anyone from feeling abandoned... it can be very difficult to resist, even now.

I have to consciously stop myself from thinking that I must necessarily protect others from what are really only natural occurrences in everyday life.

By the same token, I believe that Lupita may have to continually and consciously stop herself from following the train of thought on which she seems to be launched at the moment.
It hurts, because it's like stretching unused muscles.... and yet, like exercise, but it's absolutely necessary for healthy growth.

Love,
Carolyn

Dear Lupita,

You must trust your own heart and so I only offer this for informational purposes. The examples you gave at the beginning of your post here... of people not listening/ not responding appropriately...

well, my husband does that all the time with me... lol.  Okay, I have to lol or else I'd get mad, but he really is attention deficit. His mind is whirring along at 800 miles per hour and he's off on another topic before I've finished responding to the first 3... so often it feels like he really doesn't care at all, so why does he bother to ask?

except I know that's not true... he does care... he is just different from me and not into all the details. Give him the bottom line, that's all he wants.



Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Dear Leah,

I believe you, I really do... it is just such a strong drive/ compulsion within me to try to prevent anyone from feeling abandoned... it can be very difficult to resist, even now.

I have to consciously stop myself from thinking that I must necessarily protect others from what are really only natural occurrences in everyday life.

By the same token, I believe that Lupita may have to continually and consciously stop herself from following the train of thought on which she seems to be launched at the moment.
It hurts, because it's like stretching unused muscles.... and yet, like exercise, but it's absolutely necessary for healthy growth.

Love,
Carolyn


Dear Carolyn,

Thought about it some more after I had posted and I understand that you only do that because you have a caring heart.  I used to do the same myself, and, frequently, have to rap my knuckles in self restraint.   

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))) thank you!!  I am trying to put into action some wise advice I received from CB when she told me about the saving grace often being the fatal flaw (I think those were the words). Instead of hating my "fixer" role, to allow it's demonstration as caring but not micro-managing. Thank you so much for understanding.

Love,
Carolyn

[Izzy_*now*]

I hate when I ask and get no asnwer. I shoud have been acostume to that. I stopped posting to people who do not answer. I fell again. I am mad at my self, for not enforcing my boundaries.
Thank you, I relate to all of you.

Lupita

This is meant in all good harmony regarding this post of yours and a previous one of yours with a question.

You hate it when you get no answer. I'm sure it happens to all of us.

It happened to me just lately, when you posted and asked about the lady in the church who is so unfortunate to have no arms or legs but she still has a handsome husband.  Why?????????????????

I wrote you two responses mentioning how our beauty comes from within etc. and you didn't respond to me. You waited. Then a post about joy came along and then you knew what the answer was. You thanked the poster profusely and when I asked you why no response to me, saying the same thing in different words, you said you didn't understand me. If someone does not understand, then we ask for clarification.

But then that was too simple for a College graduate.

The nurses talk about the betadine that I treat my heel sore with. It is only iodine. (One of them made a slip about it, and as well, I finally have a printout regarding the progress.)

Well I have known iodine since I was a kid, but am too stupid to know what betadine is.

Just people showing off their superiority!
Izzy

[Lupita]

I worked ofr 12 hours, I am tired. Dont want to discuss.
I did not igonore you. I aknowledged your post and told you that Leas's was more conrete to my perception. That is not ignoring.
Sorry if you felt ignored.
But I thought ignoring is when somebody behaved as did not hear anything.
I dont have any anergy. period.
I am not going to discuss with you.
I am your friend, have you nor figured that out?
You might consider direct your anthenas in other direction, not me, you have enough on your plate.

[Lupita]

And if I am ignored I will not post in that person's any thread. Zero.

[lighter]

Regarding your OP.... you have to choose your audience carefully.

Those that you ask into your life.

The ones you must be subjected to, for good or not so good.... you learn to cope with.

I don't think any contact with people who care nothing about us and instead use us as emotional punching bags and tear us down in order to control us.... is a good idea.

I wouldn't choose to hang around with anyone who wasn't building me up, at this stage.

It's all I can do to hold my tongue through the people who are inflicted on me, bc I have no choice in that area. 

[Lupita]

Thank you . My brain has stopped. Dont feel like talking. This place has several Ns. But there is nothing I can do about that, other than avoid them as much as possible.

[Lupita]

And this is also invalidation. Oh yes.