Do we still have an *I* when we are all alone?

[Ami]

I have done what many people ,on the board and in life, have done. I have used outside circumstances and "substances" to fill me up.
It doesn't matter WHAT the substance is,it is the process of trying to "medicate" pain ,which is the issue.
The pain is probably shame, guilt, feeling unworthy, "bad", not able to cope, not able to find your voice,not able to hold your own, anger, fear, etc
 All these emotions are hard. It is easier(short term) to push them down with an addiction. However,it is a "finger in the dyke",not a true solution.
 What is the true solution.? I have come to the point, after much distress, of having to accept myself ,no matter HOW "bad" I might be. My M told me that I was "bad". Well, even if I AM, I still have to accept it and go forward. I will try to have integrity,as I go forward. I will try to do as my GM told me,"Act like a lady." That advice will get you through most everything,in  pretty good shape.
 I think about what my GM valued---courage,loyalty, fidelity,all those 'old fashioned' values. To her, they really "meant" s/thing. They were "beyond words".I guess that these ideals were "decisions"--not feelings---Right? My M threw all of that away and wanted to do her "own thing"-----N style.
  I never could" really " follow my M ---Thank Goodness.
 I just have to find the "me" that exists when no one is there. Does anyone relate?        Ami

[alone48]

Ami,

I find it hard to be alone with myself for the first time I can ever remember. Thus the name alone 48, which I know others have asked I change. Right now this is how I feel and truthfully I don't like it. I do believe though, I have to go through this to learn who I am, as I was always what everyone wanted me to be. I don't know if this is what you are feeling, but it is tough and yet a necessary step in this process IMOHO.

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
 Yes, I am talking about the "us' that exists under all the outside "social" things. You understand, Alone,as I knew you would.
  I need to embrace "me" and honor and love me---no matter who or what is there next to me.
  It is the lesson of "inner space"
 Outer things never filled it beyond a"partial" filling.
  I am lonely for my own friendship!              Ami

[Leah]

Something More:   Excavating Your Authentic Self 

by Sarah Ban Breathnach
 
Review:

In this eloquent & evocative workbook, you are invited along on the exploration of your life: its times, its relationships & its fears. Marvelous mysteries are unearthed & much healing occurs.

This beauty of a book leapt off the shelving cart at the library & I have since bought a my own copy as it's one of those books you take home & make your own. I knew I had to scribble my responses, my solutions, my experiences in its margins. Wonderful stuff! Something for every time you feel worthless, when your choices seem self-destructive, when you feel you have little faith & less courage.

Sarah Ban Breathnach quotes Nathaniel Branden in his The Psychology of Self-Esteem: ‘When we bury feelings, we also bury ourselves. It means we exist in a state of alienation. We rarely know it, but we are lonely for ourselves.'

Even if you think you know it all & maybe, especially if you think you know it all - take Something More off the shelf & riffle through its finely textured pages, stop & join in the odyssey. See if this book doesn't speak to you too!

Dare to become the archaeologist of your Self:  to plumb your past with its unfulfilled longings, forgotten pleasures & abandoned dreams, to “excavate” the authentic woman buried inside.

It's hard, dirty & lonely work - share a volume or two with your best friends! Your rewards are the shining truths you uncover along the way.

...from Anna's song in the The King & I: "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you"



Truly, this is the work that I have done, and indeed, it was daring, to get digging, and to find, and become, my Self

It's worth the effort and sheer diligence, and, yes, it has been lonely, with a lot of hard work, along the journey, but, worth the travel.

Hope this may shine a light, if not, then compost!   

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thank you ,Leah---very much.                           Ami

[reallyME]

hi Shunned.

I have to admit something to you.  When you began posting about Twiggy, I really didn't understand it as much as I do now.  After having read a book by a therapist who helped a lady with mpd, it makes sene to me.

What stage are you at with Twiggy?  Is she still a seemingly separate part of you or was it a situation of integration or is she just your inner self? 

Only if you feel ok sharing,

~Laura

[Bella_French]

Dear Ami,

I can relate for sure as I have a long term and ongoing relationship with emotional  pain. We are like secret lovers, lol.

My attitude in my late teens, when the pain SO big, was to do what it took just to survive. If I could motivate myself to live another day, then that was something!!! (I was my most depressed at 19). I was a sober and clean young adult, so I focussed on other things to alleviate pain. I think I often escaped into the future. I would make grand plans and I was dreamer. I rarely fullfilled my dreams, but I derived sublime joy from setting those goals and the hope of  accomplishing them.

In my late twenties, and early thirties, I discovered smoking and drinking. I smoked on and off for ten years, but it always frightened me, having such a habit, so I would take long breaks, and it didn't stick. But it was sooo very nice for alleviating anxiety. I gave up 4 years ago, with one relapse.

Drinking. This is a weakness for me, as it also alleviates anxiety. But it also scares me, so I give up for a year or so each time it looks like becoming a habit. I am thankful I was introduced to these habits later in youth, because the bigger part of me resists them and I have other coping mechanisms to balance them out.

Meds. After trying SSRI's,  I tried effexor XR for 8 months, which elevates dopamine (its like herion!) and noradrenaline (speeds up the mind). I went mad. Super-intelligent, angry, no pain. Its also extremely hard to get off it, so i wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Maybe I'm just a chicken, and need to develop some tolerance to pain? Or just commit myself to exercise, as its by far the best solution I've ever encountered.

X Bella

[teartracks]

I totally relate to your opening post, Ami.  You will find your "I".  It's a lonely process but not an impossible process.  Don't give up.

tt

[Ami]

Thank you Laura, Amber, Bella, TT,Alone and Leah!                                         Love  Ami

[seasons]

I am lonely for my own friendship!              Ami

How lovely to acknoledge your longing for you. That is a huge step ((Ami)).

Just thinking how much of a great friend you can be to yourself makes me very happy for you. I see a rainbow above you.


I agree with tt. And what to add it is so worth it, the work, the empathy and heart we need to give ourselves. A big part for me was forgiving myself for only being human, doing the best I could at the time.

I totally relate to your opening post, Ami.  You will find your "I".  It's a lonely process but not an impossible process.  Don't give up.

tt

((seasons))

[Ami]

Seasons, you are so dear---so very dear.     Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear TT,
  Thank you for you loving ,supportive post------always a wonderful encourager,TT,from day one!             Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Bella,
Have you ever gone the "natural antidepressant" route?
I can suggest SAMe.

I've really noticed a difference.
That plus Dr. Schulz's green stuff that Ami recommended.
Ditto.

And I hear fish oil is antidepressant.

If you did all 3, it might be easy to get off the SSRI.

An SAD light is another non-drug option, and not illusory.
You feel it instantly.

love
Hops

[alone48]

The really good part is that you know yourself, your motives, expectations, and hopefully will not turn on yourself. I once told my T that I didn't have a personality, she said "of course you do, everyone does" my reply was "I don't know who it is because I try to be what everyone else wants me to be". Hopefully Ami, you will find out who you really are and I am trying to do the same. We might just end up liking ourselves....wouldn't that be a kick?

[changing]

Hi Alone-

I know that you are bravely going forth into a new phase of life, without many of the familar comforting/numbing routines and people- it can be so liberating, but scary and lonesome sometimes as well too find one's self- you are truly on your own. Are you speaking of the transition from pleasing and conforming to the expectatins of others, to finding and expressing yourself? Alone, you are doing brilliantly and making great strides. (((((Alone)))))
You are a very likable and lovable person, and now the people that you bond with in life will know and love you, instead of you and  your people pleasing behaviors- those who value you will really like this much better, and so will you.
Keep strong Alone!

Love,

Changing