breaking down

[towrite]

I finally had to break down and ask for a loan. I selected an old family friend who's worth more than I can count. I picked her for her (perceived) compassion. I find that the asking broke me down even more. It was very hard to do. But I had to remember that I was doing it for my survival. She asked me a hundred inappropriate personal questions. Told me to lose weight, exercise, go to church, turn it over to God, and that she thought I had been extravagant - that's why I was in a fix. I was humiliated. If I hadn't been holding out hope, I would have gotten up and left. But since she's such a good friend of my NM, I knew what the effect of that would be. I felt an inch high when I left and all the things she said to me or questioned me about I knew had come from my NM. I said nothing bad about my NM to her. She implored me to go talk to my NM about it, that surely she would want to help. She asked about my father's estate and was astounded that he had left his children nothing. All I said about my NM was that she was too fragile for me to talk to about this - it would "do her in".

Of course, it didn't take me long to become angry. How could she treat me that way? Then I realized my NM had been laying the groundwork for this, painting a despicable picture of me to her and her other friends. It has rocked me back to being 9 years old and feeling so hated by my family. It has been a cesspool of feelings and a surprise that I should revisit those feelings for the first time in years and discover them to be as horrible as I remembered. I actually have a physical pain in my chest from those feelings - the vivid recollection of how I always felt I was pulling on a muddy, slippery rope out of the pit of her hatred. I thought all that was in the past - and now I feel it has always been there for her to use to make herself look better. All she has to do is convince her friends of the "crosses" she has to bear in regards to her daughter, then her picture as a tortured saint will be complete. Machiavellian, to say the least.

I do not seem to be able to pull out of the pit this time. I am consumed with hatred for her and anger at that "family friend". I hate her!

[Gaining Strength]

towrite - I so identify with you.  No one in the social community I grew up in believes that I don't have money.  They believe that I choose to live in a broken down house and drive broken down cars and wear thrift store clothes because I have some weird personality.

I have gone to relatives who have somewhere between $50 and $100 million and I have gotten similar responses that you received.  They don't believe that my father has not given me money.  They believe that I am not capable of handling money (your family friends "extravagance" comment.

What I have finally come to accept is that people with money believe that they have it because they "deserve" it and people who don't, don't because they don't deserve it - that their actions have been irresponsible and that is why they are without money.  I have found that this simplistic theory has tremendous validity.

It is a kind of double-bind, no win situation. 

I personally recognize that I have taken on on a deep level that I have not been able to extricate, that I am undeserving.  I believe that I must overcome this self-sabotaging belief in order to be able to provide for myself.

You have my greatest sympathy.  I have experienced similar responses and know of others who have as well.

[towrite]

Thanks, GS. After reading your other post about your NM, I also can relate to your situation. The double bind is all too real. Why do we even stay in the same town with these N's???

[Ami]

I am so sorry, towrite and GS.


(((((((((((towrite, GS)))))))))))

[Hopalong]

((((((Towrite))))))

You have nothing to be ashamed of.
We are on earth to help each other when we can.
If she has it and can spare it, I hope you'll receive it.

It is never wrong to ask for what we want.

love
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

towrite

Do you know anyone who would cosign a loan for you? It is no money out of their pocket, just trust in you to make your payments on the loan.

Oddly enough, my father did this for me without my asking.

I was driving a 'dangerous' car--could break down anytime and cost me a fortune to fix. Mom called me over to the house and they presented this to me, as well as the fact that dad had been looking at a good used car for me and had one already chosen and checked.

I paid my loan amount every month, as in my most cases, if I was short, all I had to pay was the interest and make up the principal later,

I never let dad down and I paid off the loan and had a newer safer car.

And this is the man who beat the hell out of me when I was young and called me a lazy bastard etc.  and whose face I could barely stand.

good Luck
Izzy

[Leah]

Dear Izzy,

Unconditional offer of assistance is wonderful.

However, with my Dad there would be, as recently, a manipulative condition (hidden agenda) attached to any offer of help.

Tis good that you have that pleasant memory.

Love, Leah

[Gaining Strength]

Staying in the same town is a two edged sword. 

I haven't always and my therapist in the previous town really didn't want me to go home and my therapist here has really encouraged me to move away (for years). 

I came home because I thought (correctly) that in the midst of it I could really get in touch with the hidden issues.  Should I stay?  I have no idea of where else to go nor how to start over.  What about you?

[alone48]

Towrite,

How horrible for you! The strength and courage it took to even ask and then to have to endure that. I am so sorry.

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((towrite))))))))))))

What a load of crap. I am so sorry you had to go through that humiliation. She had no right to talk to you that way.

Please take care and don't let this set you back. You did nothing wrong. It was fine for her to say no. It was not fine to tear you apart.

Love, Beth