Hi Everyone,
It has been a short while since I have posted here -- I perceived a coldness from many here towards me the last time I was posting and my T told me that I need to stay away from hostility. Hostility and me tend to gravitate towards one another -- I'll feed off the negativity and then unconsciously create it too. This board taught me that and has helped me become more aware.
Hopefully, all is in the past will be forgotten and I can move on here with the new growth and strength that I have found recently. I'm still working to face my aloneness and feelings from when I was neglected due to my parents fighting with each other when I was young. If I feel this board is getting hostile then I will quietly step back and stop reading and posting again.
Right now I have struggling with a roommate that has been cold and covertly hostile to me. I have a beautiful apartment with 4 bedrooms. One of my roommates has lived with me for about 3 years - she is great. One suffers from paranoia and is moving because she thinks all of the other roommates are out to get her. At present, I'm looking for a new roomie to take her room.
The other roommate Jess, who I am struggling with, moved in last year.
My house rules are no men sleepovers, no drugs and no senseless gossiping about other roommates. I figure that if I get a good person then there is no need to express the importance of common sense and consideracy. For the most part my roommates have been very nice in the last 5 years. But lately, in the last year and 1/2 my roommates have been cold. I wonder, could it be that I am attracting N's into my life at time when some of the old pain and memories from my own N mom are coming up?
When potential N roomie, Jess, moved in last year she went to another roomie, who was moving out, and asked her about bills and if I ever show the actual bills to the roommates rather than just asking for the amount. (I show them if they ask me). It was not that big of a deal but it did show me that Jess was potentially not trustworthy and I did ask her why she did not come to me directly. She made excuses and rationalized -- I let it go and make sure I always attach bills when asking for the money.
The next bit of tension came about a month after her move in; I moved a box of kitchen stuff that she had lying on the living room floor for over a month. I put it away in the kitchen, it was not that much just three appliances.
She then came knocking on my bedroom door that night to confront me with a cold contemptuous attitude she said please do not ever touch my stuff again and then she abruptly turned away and left me standing there feeling really ashamed even though I thought that I was helping her by putting her stuff away. I let that one go also.
She has broken every rule since she has lived with me in the last year. She has snuck men over, the other roommates tell me, and she has gossiped about me to the other roommates in an attempt to form alliances with them like a "Real World" manipulation tactic.
All of this I let go too because I have learned over the years that roommates come and go and usually stay for about a year or two. The really good ones have stayed with me for 3 to 4 years and then got married, moved in with boyfriends or found their own apartment. I figured I would just compromise with N Jess because I sensed that if I was to express myself or feelings about her situation with me, in any way shape or form, she would get defensive and upset. I'd rather have peace or I thought so until this last year
at least I'm working towards that now.
However, this Chirstmas, while I was a way, she emails the household and informs, does not ask, that she is having a New Years Eve party. At this point I feel that I need to use my voice and ask her to make sure the place is cleaned really well after the party and to please make sure that drunk guests do not go into the roommates bedrooms. The main reason I had to ask her to clean up was because she normally leaves a mess when she does entertain and I felt that it was important for my sanity to speak up. I did not want to return on New Years day to a big mess. This was reasonable of me and my motives were not to make her feel bad but as I said to use my voice and stand up for myself.
When I returned from my trip Jess got defensive and started a dramatic argument, criticizing me and telling me to not speak to her about my feelings. I told her that if she is not comfortable with my expression of feelings then she can move out and find a place that she will be more comfortable. She suddenly started crying and saying that she loves her room and love the apartment. I said, "OK stay then" -- I was feeling bad. I told her to figure out what she needed and wanted and to tell me with out being demeaning or playing games. She said she would but I do not trust her.
She is away for the next two weeks but I think I am going to struggle with this until she does finally move out.
Just read about coping with N's again.
I want to stop attracting N's into my life, no more N's, they are so damn frustrating!
Lise
