Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Sinking...
rosencrantz:
Hi CC
What can I say ...but... Yes, yes, er...and yes!
You know me so well...
I've taken it a bit easier (decided against cold turkey - yet!) and even picked up a novel on a couple of occasions. I've handed over the latest 'self-help' books to my husband to read.
My husband has just turned out to be a much harder nut to 'crack' than I ever realised. I didn't realise that some people have defences so solid. But I'm going to do the unbearable and hold up the mirror as often as it takes for his to see. As that is 'who I am' and 'what I do', I'm going to believe that he married me because deep down that's exactly what he wanted from our marriage...
And, of course, this forum helps me avoid the issue of dealing with my mother. Far too busy occupied here to take action elsewhere! :roll:
I am starting to 'get organised' for the first time since dad died - and my relationship with my son has been improving by leaps and bounds - so not all is gloom and doom.
But they were a terrible couple of days - I really appreciate what was said here.
R
Anna:
--- Quote from: rosencrantz ---but I do have a problem with trusting others and I fear inappropriately wanting to be with others too much, and 'damaging' them with my own feelings.
Trust is a huge huge issue for me too. In fact it's an issue I'm actively working on. I see it everywhere in my life -- I don't trust that the teachers REALLY think I deserve that A, I don't trust the guy just having a conversation with my friend (what does that skunk REALLY want?).
I didn't trust my own therapist who touched my arm on the way out the door saying goodbye!!!!!! It took me three weeks to summon the courage to confront that demon. He was just being kind -- it was my screwed up perception!!!!!
When I read "damaging them with my own feelings" -- phew -- what a huge burden we share on that one. Not okay to have feelings OR boundaries. I never knew where she ended and where I started -- when she died (my mother), I could not believe that she could be dead and I would still be breathing because in my head we were SO CONNECTED!!!
Thanks for writing and posting and allowing me to share too..... :wink:
--- End quote ---
rosencrantz:
I've decided to help my husband remove the ramrod he has for a backbone!
I am inviting him to be kinder to our son's 'inadequacies' - unreliability, lack of discipline and all the things that he has chased out of himself (with disdain for his father). If he can be kinder, more tolerant and more loving of the 'inadequacies' themselves as he sees them in our son, then he will be kinder to the child in himself.
And he is allowing me to invite him to join with me in finding the humility to be 'ourselves'.
While we are falsely strong, we damage each other. (I think we've both been playing a complicated game of 'You are weak, so I am strong/You are strong, so I am weak')
Being human, feeling sad, mourning lost opportunities...the loss of youth and youthful aspirations, the loss of hope for good parenting. None of us can be above all that. And we're both quite nice people underneath all this.
The ramrod who would be a willow allows no room for tenderness. I like the real 'H' - there is gentleness there. My only fear is if he cannot find it within himself to like and respect who he really is...(someone very different to his military officer father) and really cannot find the middle way between caving in and being enraged.
Actually, he managed yesterday to allow himself to agree with my point AND have a different opinion. 'Both...and' rather than 'either...or'...
The point that somebody made here about ages and stages is something I never properly understood before. I always assumed I was the last to 'get the message' rather than the first!!
I feel enormous hope right now - I even have a glimpse of us as a truly happy family in the future. And I feel huge gratitude for this forum and the people involved here..
R
Nic:
Dear Rosencrantz,
I just was inspired after reading you:
Healing is for everyone, not just for the deserving. Have you ever thought that after living in the "hyper-world" that is hyper-responsible, hyper-sensitive, hyper-everything, it becomes difficult to return to a slower pace? I have, some days I feel plenty of peace, i've discovered that this is the real me, peaceful, loving..easy-going.. . Then I get angry at the thought that my crazy parents dragged me into their anxious and worried lives. I feel sad at the thought that they taught me the price of everything and the value of nothing..especially my own value.
Now I'm better at detecting what doesn't belong to me. The sadness that follows is almost like a child waving a handkerchief as the train leaves the station.
Bye bye sadness, I'm sad you're leaving 'cos I don't know what to do without you. Au revoir explosive tantrums and verbal assaults on me, i don't know what life will be like without you..I'm scared at the thought of not knowing what lies beyond the horizon. Auf wiedersehen eggshells, i've walked on you for so long I'm hurting at the thought of wandering here and there without your everpresence. So long mom and dad, i'm waiving goodbye to you, and I feel very sorry, ever so sorry that you've never really experienced anything but yourselves, if anything at all..
And then I'm off, with the one lovely woman who came into my life, my wife. We're off together to discover what lies ahead..
Hmm, i've scribbled a visualization! 8)
regards, Nic
CC:
Rosie, I am so glad you have had a positive response (even if for the moment) after this difficult few days.
I woke up this morning with an amusing analogy of our message board here. I feel as though we are all amatuer boxers, going out into the ring -- and we come here to our "corner" between rounds - and the rest of us are the coaches/managers --watering each other up, wiping our wounds and putting vaseline on our faces to prepare us for the next round...
DING DING!!!! :lol:
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