Jaded, Bunnie, Mighty Mouse, Les, Singer, Lynn,
Hugs to all of you!
I finally got it! I've been doing lots of reading - right now I am finishing
The Narcissistic Family by Pressman and Pressman.
Bunny, you kept saying I needed to learn to set boundaries and to tell you the truth, all I could think was, boundaries - I don't need no stupid boundaries, I need someone to listen!
But.....I reached the chapter on boundaries and this is what I learned today:
1. I am not responsible for things I cannot control.
2. I am learning to say "Not right now, but thanks for asking" or "I don't want to" or "No"
3. My N parents and siblings have always had boundaries set, but have never allowed me to have boundaries. But it is not their responsibility to recognize that - it is my responsibility to set the boundaries and enforce them - wow! I love that word enforce! It means power and I am going to regain the power of control over my life!
4. My H and kids have never recognized boundaries for me - I never set them, but complain when they breach the imaginary ones I thought I had. Since H travels so much, I always made myself available at all times to the kids. I didn't even close the bathroom door all the way, or shut the shower door, so I could hear them if there was a problem. Rather than force them to leave me alone when I was on the phone I just got off, it was easier, and now no one respects me when I am on the phone. I was always available just to keep the peace, but when it got too much to handle, I just started crying that I never had time for myself. I was afraid of shaking up the balance in my own family, fearing they would not like me anymore. But they will like me even less when I become a witch like my N mom! Just yesterday, after spending 5 hours with all 3 kids by myself driving them to sports, when we got home, I needed space to think alone. But my 9 year old followed me outside when I went to smoke. He sat right down beside me and wanted to talk more. I had to force him inside. They all follow me around the house like they are afraid I will dissappear. They need to learn to cut the apron strings, and we're going to do it hopefully a healthy way.
Now when they stay by my side, or interrupt, I will gently hug them tightly, tell them I love them, then tell them to scoot to another room, I need some ME time. I know it's ok to be selfish, but I want to be gentle as I start setting boundaries. I do not want them to think they are no longer important, but that I am teaching them a new skill as I learn one.
I also talked to H, had him read a few pertinent chapters and told him I would also set boundaries with him. He just said he had been trying to tell me this all along, but I didn't realize what he was saying. I needed to read it in black and white and see the object lessons written in the book.
Thanks guys - you pushed me in the right direction and I have hope again!
