Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

[Gabben]

Something that has crossed my mind recently is that NPD's tend to project that others are projecting...it is interesting.

Yet, projection is not a word I use or think about very often because I am busy looking at myself and my actions to see if they are rooted in selfish fearful motives, I have no use for the word projection.

NPD's will project that everyone else is projecting, it is interesting - that is scapegoating behavior to constanting think that others are projecting.

Lise

On modification - It occurs to me that my roommate told me that I was projecting on to her my coldness. She told me that I was cold. I thought hmmm how interesting that she is using that word. When I told my T and my other friends they could not believe it...my annual review at my office started out with "Lise brings warmth to the office..."  One of my bosses calls me "miss sunshine."

[reallyME]

ok this is the part that jumped out at me:

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by
acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh,
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just
no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.

When I was with X, I can remember her actually ADMITTING to me that she was afraid I'd see who she was, who her family was, and I'd reject her.  She was in tears when she said to me "but you haven't rejected me."

Next came her tests...she did every horrendous thing to me to get me to PROVE I wasn't going to reject her, but it got to my ENOUGH point, and the very thing she feared, she BROUGHT ON HERSELF.  I did reject her, I do reject her, and, like the girl in the movie tonight, I will be glad if she is ever brought to wholeness and justice for what she did.  I make no apologies about that.  The sad thing is, she is still out there, roaming around, doing Lord-knows-what to people or maybe not...I don't know...the point is, N's eventually test you and then punish you to see how much you can take.  Then, when you can't take anymore, they turn and blame you and tell you that you lied about staying with  them.

The Bible describes this as "binding heavy burdens they themselves are not able to carry"  (something like that)  X would NEVER have made it through a day of what she made me endure...how do I know?  SHE TOLD ME WHILE SHE WAS PUTTING ME THROUGH IT  "I don't know WHY you love me.  I wouldn't stick around and put up with it.  If I'm so bad, why do you keep wanting me around?"

It was INSANITY at its pinnacle!

~L