Unbelievable?

[steve]

Hello all:

A quick history for those who are interested. Yesterday I made a post about freedom and autonomy. That post followed a huge blow out I had with my father earlier in the day. It was that blow out that brought me to the realization that I needed to be autonomous and seek within myself for the strength. And I am pretty well adjusted to that mind frame.

And with that autonomy I gathered my strength and decided to go see my father today. I felt powerful and in control. My plan was to express basically the following sentiment: "I am sorry for what i said yesterday. I realize that you are not responsible for the decisions that I have made in my life and I take full responsibility for the choices I have made."

That was my intention. I had no problem taking the high road and I actually did and still do accept that decision. If I do not take responsibility then how could I move forward.

Anyways, so what happened? I entered the house and he was sitting with my mother eating lunch. He wouldn't even look at me. I said " I am sorry for what I said yesterday." And before I could finish the rest of the sentence he jumped in and said: "You broke my heart, you don't know how much you hurt me."

I was amazed, here I was trying to apologize and take the high road and totally let him off the hook. I was kinda hoping for one of those Kodak moments when we all hug and love each other, remember those, I certainly don't. But, all he could do of course was think of himself. So, I didn't say anything else and just walked out.

As I left to get in my car I just started to laugh. I could not believe how self-destructive these people actually are. But in reality, I am not surprised. It has been said here over and over, these people are not "people". They have a major personality disorder and unfortunately they do not know how to act.

I will admit, I was a little hurt and thought, here we go again, Steve is to blame for everything. But in fact, it did not bother me that much. He has lost his power and the only reason he has lost his power is because I did not surrender it. I could have gone on and dragged myself down and said to myself, look that is exactly what I was saying all along, he does not love me, he only thinks of himself, he is not human.

But, the new Steve knows much better. He does not need anyone else's approval, he does not need anyone else's strength, he does not need anyone else's support. He is entirely self-reliant, he is autonomous.

So where do I go from here? Well, I will gather up my strength again and I will say those words that I wanted to say earlier. Then I will feel that I am my own person and no one owns me. I will not feel that I am lowering myself and submitting, I will not feel like I have been dealt a bad hand, I will not feel that life is unfair. None of these will come to rise because I truly am autonomous.

Yes, I have been abused, and I have been taken advantage of, and yes I have been sacrificed, and yes I have been HURT. But as long as I swim in that pool of shit I will no longer be strong. So, he will hear the words that I am responsible for my life and I will truly mean them. Because, I AM. And if I do not accept that, then I will continue to be a victim.

So, as I write this I feel relaxed, I do not even have feelings of hate anymore. In fact, it actually feels just nice.

Have a good one,

Steve

[Iphi]

steve, you rock.

[reallyME]

Steve,

I would not have felt hurt by your father's interrupting your apology.  I'd have felt ANGRY!

You are on a good path.  Keep goin, chin up!

~Laura

[sunblue]

In my opinion, Steve's experience just goes to prove that you can't deal with narcissists like you would "normal" folk.  In that same exact situation, most people would accept the apology (even gladly) and make some effort to move on with the relationship.  Normal people would appreciate the gesture in apologizing.

But with Ns, everything is about them.  They don't handle interpersonal relationships the same way as everyone else.  All that mattered was that their feelings were hurt.  Of course, they would NEVER apologize...because they are perfect and the world revolves around them.

Our mistake is when we forget this and try to behave in an adult, human manner...such as apologizing over an argument.  Not only will the N not appreciate the gesture, but they will never, ever let you forget that argument or what you said.  It makes having a healthy, reciprocal relationship with them nearly impossible.

[Gabben]

Hi Steve,

There is so much good stuff on this thread, thank you for this.

As I was reading I thought about how  humble as well as strong you are to realize the step you were taking to release him from your psyche by your action of amends and forgiveness.

It also occurred to me that N's have a hard time hearing apologies, because as sunblue said, they think they are perfect and yet deep down they know that they are the ones who really need to be doing the apologizing, they lack the humility and courage and I think that just irks them and threatens their facade of perfection. They can't face it, they can't face themselves.

You rock Steve!

Lise

[reallyME]

Gabben,

You are yet another person that needs to be writing a book and publishing it!  you have so much deep insight into the interpersonal relationship workings of N's it's awesome!

I just got done watching a movie called FRIENDS TILL THE END, on Lifetime Movie Network.  It was about a narcissist mother who drove her daughter to try to never lose a contest.  The daughter ended up years later, using a fake name, attending a school with the girl from her childhood that she lost to.

As the story goes on, you see that this girl would stop at NOTHING to win, even if it meant murder!  So, narcissist raised a psychopath in that case.

You all are so much better off than that.  Not one of you here is a psychopath that I know of, even if there are still issues to deal with. I am glad of that!

~Laura

[Gabben]

Not one of you here is a psychopath that I know of

Thanks Laura for your compliment.

Well, not to be an antagonist -- I do not want to disillusion anyone in thinking that the board is completely safe, I do think there might be a psychopath or two here. But even they deserve to be treated with dignity and love so that they can slowly embrace healing.

People can only hurt us if we let them. Love has the power to stop all hostility and to stop hatred.

Love,
Lise

[reallyME]

Well, Lise, if there is a psychopath, I'm glad it's on a board and not face to face.

[Gabben]

Well, Lise, if there is a psychopath, I'm glad it's on a board and not face to face.

LOL - me too!!!

[Gabben]

BTW, Steve, this is still your thread!!!

[steve]

Gabben:

No worries, we are all used to being invisible!

Steve

[reallyME]

oh Steve, you are not invisibile to me at all.  I hear you loud and clear about the visit with your father, etc.  I had a paranoid/schizophrenic, ocd/ocpd step-dad, from the time I was 7 till I was 18.  He passed away a few years ago.  We parted initially when he flung me into a wall and broke my nose, but then we reconciled and were ok, till his paranoia got the worst of him and he started telling me to lie to my mother about violating orders of protection to keep him from visiting with us on her street.

Toward the end, my step-father would go through my mother's trash cans, thinking she was plotting against him, etc.  She had to get a ban against him to prevent that and other things.

The last words I sadly had with my step-dad were, "No, I will NOT lie to mom and I can't even believe you'd ask me to do that. I will NEVER lie, dad.  I'm sorry" and I hung the phone up.  The next time I saw him was during his open casket visitation.  That was really hard for me, cause I was the one who was actually emotionally tied to him more than the other siblings, yet I was the one they relied on to hold things together emotionally too, which I did. I sat in the hearse and imitated the funny things my step-dad used to say, in his actual voice.  I have the gift of being able to impersonate at times.

It's all just really hard, Steve, whether mother, father, friend, minister, sibling.  Narcissists are fascinating, irritating, frustrating, baffling and macabre all at the same time.  I never knew such creations existed, till I met one.

[Ami]

Dear Steve,
 Any "normal" Dad would be thrilled to have a son like you! You are one of MY all time favorite posters and I tell you that every time(lol). Steve, you have a strength and a will that your Dad could not break . You are your 'own" universe,as you said on another thread. Steve, you are taking a painful situation an using it to thrive. You inspire all of us here,IMO.            Love    Ami


((((((((((Steve)))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Steve,
To apologize is an act of dignity.
No matter what the response.

Good for you.
I think to apologize when you were wrong is mature and shows character.

Hops