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How to deal with a visit from an N

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Violet:
Thanks for the support everybody.

I should probably say a word about my husband's relationship with his parents.  He doesn't stand up to them as often as he should and that is, obviously, a problem.  I always try to be sensitive to his feelings on this particular subject.  I can't imagine how horrible it must have been to grow up in that house.  I sympathize with him and I know he is trying, but it's tough.  He may never get to a healthy point with his parents and that's okay.  They are his Achilles' heel.

I should note that my husband is not the only one who let's N have his way most of the time.  N is hands down the most difficult human being I have ever met. He pushes the whole time you are in his presence.  With single-minded determination, he forces every single subject, every activity, all of it, to spotlight on him.  

N acts exactly like a hyper, attention-hungry three year old.  He is exhausting.  The first few days of any visit, my husband and I both equally censure his behavior, but it's an unrelenting job.  Let's just take for example one of his habits.  Whenever he sits on my couch, he puts his disgusting feet on my grandmother's antique coffee table.  I have told him 900 times not to do this. Everytime I say to take the feet off, he does, immediately, but not without first a smart alec remark.  But then, what do you do when you come home and find him sitting there with his feet on the table again?  Tell him again, right?  And again and again...

He is just bound and determined to do whatever he wants, how he wants and whenever he wants.  This willfulness is made worse by the fact that most of his ideas and decisions are completely idiotic.

You never get a moment of rest with him. The whole time is spent trying to control his behavior and it's just exhausting. When I asked him to turn the guitar down, I went out to do this because I had been resting all day. My husband, on the other hand, had just laid down.  He had been taking care of me like a barefooted saint for the past several weeks, and I wanted to take care of him a little bit. He was so tired, so frustrated and hurting over our loss too.  So I just told N to turn it down. Of course, I didn't know that this one simple polite request would be the thing that made him blow.

You never know. He is manipulative as hell and uses that threat of a nuclear meltdown to keep people from censuring him.  Thus, every time, I or my husband tell him to pick his used band-aids up off the floor or not to tear the pool patio apart looking for the leak, or not to demean women - we feel our stomachs clench in preparation of a colossal hissy fit.

His behavior is just exhausting. He wears you down.  After awhile, it's hard not to just agree to everything.  And then comes the really joyful part, watching N gloat about his victory.  After we've given up and we're both nervous wrecks, he'll start smearing our faces in his behavior.  When I enter a room and look at his feet on the table he just looks back at me and waits for me to say something and if I don't, he goes back to watching TV or whatever with this smirk on his face. It's the same with the guitar, he'll pull it out and look right at you as he makes this grand gesture of strumming the first chord.

He thinks he's won the war, but he's losing the battle.  With every visit, my husband grows more and more disgusted with him.  I could not live with myself if I was the one who separated my husband from his parents permanently.  I think I could do it, but my god, disowning someone - parents - that's so big.  I respect and understand people who have done this with their N parents, and I wish my husband would do the same, but I can't be the one to force his hand on this.

I'm sorry these are so long - I seem to be spilling without end.

Portia:
Keep talking Violet, that’s what the board’s here for and please don’t be sorry for long posts. :D  Long posts are good. I loved your reply, very honest. Thank you.


--- Quote ---But then, what do you do when you come home and find him sitting there with his feet on the table again?
--- End quote ---
You tell him that if he does it one more time, you won’t let him sit on your sofa EVER AGAIN. It’s exactly like dealing with a 6 year old. And you have to treat them the same. And you have to enforce those boundaries. Very difficult, because where will it end?


--- Quote ---I respect and understand people who have done this with their N parents, and I wish my husband would do the same, but I can't be the one to force his hand on this.
--- End quote ---
No, you can’t and I admire the way you support him. But you don’t have to sacrifice yourself and your own life to support him. You matter too. This father-in-law would drive me nuts. I couldn’t take it. I’d have to leave the house completely, go away for the whole time they’re there. Maybe get hubby to buy me a health spa retreat holiday 8)  rather than be forced to put up with his obnoxious father. Please don’t think by putting up with him you are helping mother-in-law either. It’s like having an alcoholic in the family. Everyone supports the alcoholism by living around it….know what I mean? Best, P

Jaded:
Violet,

OH my gosh, hurry pack all of your chit up and move to another country.  Pssst, dont leave a forwarding address.

Violet, I dealt with the nastiest of the nasties and he will tell you himself that I shook the chit right out of him when I gave him the dickens back.  You can just see their expressions on their face change as if to say, what what what did you say dat for?  I could not understand how N people could stand to your face, look you in the eyes, see the pain in your face, and they get supply out of this?  They feel powerful when they see hurt in their victims?  Sick isnt it.

When I tell you that I got down and rolled around in the dirt just as well as he did, hun, I am ashamed to admit some of the things I said to him.  However, I can also say that those were the times that I noticed I could break down his barriors and plow right on into his gates of hell.

I guess I thought of it as me being a weak wimpy kid on a playground with him being the playground bully who always shoved me down to steal my lunch and milk money.  I could only take so much and I flippin snapped on him.  Snort, Snort!!  

I do not know how I would handle this if I were in your situation.  I think it is totally rude, crude and unacceptable that your father in law would walk into your house and act like the king of YOUR kingdom.  Why violet, I am afraid I would shove his crown where the sun don't shine and that would be as his ars was hitting the sidewalk outside my front door.  

You thank the heavens that your Husband did not gain his wicked ways.  I just can not imagine being a child in that environment.  It always strikes me funny how N can dish it out but they can not take it.  Talk about the flip side of reality.  They just do not get it do they??

Another option is that you infest your house with all the viruses you can muster up, undercook his meat, purchase 100 pets that are not potty trained, and paint your house a bright metalic purple from the inside out and hope that this will detour them from visiting ever, ever again.  If this doesnt work, then hatch up another plan. LOL!!

Doh, how does this seem to you!! :twisted:  :D

Violet:
Thanks, P.

N so takes advantage of the fact that most of us are uncomfortable treating a 63 year old like a 3 year old.  I think you're right though. Instead of asking politely that he take the feet off the table, it's time to take the gloves off and be rude.

This my hang-up.  It is so hard to go against everything I was taught as a child!  I'm Southern and it was ingrained in me from the womb to be polite and gracious especially to my elders and my guests.  

I have decided I'm not cleaning my house (they'll just destroy it anyway). I'm not cooking a single meal for them. My husband plans to work the whole time and I plan to spend every day away from them.  I'm throwing the fuse on the outside plugs and locking the fuse box so N doesn't offend my neighbors with his "concerts."

Kicking a puppy would feel more natural than doing this!

Jaded911:
Violet,

I completely understand your feelings when you say this goes against everything you were taught as a child.  I thought that alot when I was rolling in the dirt with my N.  

I never intentionally say or do anything that could offend or hurt someones feelings.  I have no excuse for my behavior with him I just have experience from dealing with him.  Those experiences showed me a different side of human nature that I had never known before.

I guess I just felt that I was fighting for my emotional life when he attacked or belittled me.  It was my upbringing that allowed me to tollerate for so long.  So I understand completely what you mean by that.  

I also understand that at times it is best to fight fire with fire.  It seems like the more you allow these people to run over you, the more they travel down that path.  I can only speak about the N that I tangled with.  When I stood up to him in a very direct manner and I stated things in a factual way, he seemed to back down a bit.

I wouldnt always take the "hey buddy dont mess with me" approach.  That approach only came when he refused to retract his claws.  At times I am ashamed to admit, I had bigger balls then I dreamed I could.  That took a heck of alot because I am a girl and not a big one at that.  My N could and did get physical with me at times with one time resulting in me getting my rib broke.  The next time he came at me I told him you touch me and I swear to God I will kick you ever luvin ars and if I dont, I'll die tryin.  Well to him that was an invitation.  By the end of that roll in the dirt, he was calming me down with tears rolling down his face.

I offer my manners and skills from my upbringing to everyone and anyone.  But the minute anyone abuses my rights and comes at me one to many times, I come out of the corner swingin.  

I have often thought about this.  It seems like the people who maintain their manners and thoughtfullness of others seem to be the people who get screwed over most of the time.  It seems that bullies or wanna be biggies plow right over those people because they are easy targets and give very little back when confronted.  

Manners and thoughtfullness towards other human beings is a wonderful thing to have and it is something to be proud of.  The second someone stops acting like a human being is when I throw all of my manners and thoughtfullness right out the flippin window.  With me you give respect and you will get it in return.  You disrespect me one to many times and lordy be this girl gets her boxing gloves out.

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