Fixing ........ the outcome

[axa]

Lollie and Leah,

Had a thought this morning about being a fixer.  My whole life was focused outwards, how others were feeling, thinking, doing.  I had no internal map, no place to retreat to restore myself.  The more crazy the outside got, the more I reached outside for the answer.  I never learned the importance of looking within for our truth.  I think this is common in N FOO.  Due to the unpredictability and crazymaking going on all the time the children have nothing positive consistantly mirrored to them to help build their sense of self.  If someone liked me I felt good, if they did not I felt bad and had to change their mind.  Much of it was terribly controlling also.  I see this.  I would have turned myself inside out to make everything ok........

Little irony, I was reading controlling people by Patricia Evans when I met XN........Blind or WHAT


xxxxxxx

axa

[axa]

CB

It really is scary, like I am losing my mind.  Part of me wants to tell him AGAIN what he has done to me.  Don't worry NO CONTACT I really understand that bit but it as if I have slipped back and do not understand that he couldn't hear me.  It is full of me trying to fix something again.  It is crazy. 

I have been trying to see if my flashbacks and desire to "have it out with XN again" is a part of me that I am unable to hold or see and feel a need to project onto him what does this mean?  The struggle is with the part of me who wants to explain and sort things out represented by my desire to talk to him and the chaotic part which cannot hear and dismisses me are in battle.  Funny, just writing this has eased some anxiety within me.  Ok, wish I could make an image of this.  Me - wants to be heard, understood.  Me- a mess, dismissive, angry, unavailable.  So it looks like these parts are locked in battle.  Maybe what I need is a dialoge between these two parts because I know it is inside in me and I want to work through it.

Will try a dialogue.  The walls are very thin where I live, have been doing lots of crying, very loud crying today and now I am going to have this very firm loud talk with myself............... think they will be sending the men in the white coats.

Thank you all so much for your responses to me.  It really matters not to feel alone and to know you guys are there.

Much, much love,

axa

[Leah]

Dear Axa

Crying is good, is releases, for me, it did, does, a work of healing and restoring.

Waves of crying, came for me, different depths, different times.

Sometimes expected.

Sometimes unexpected, taking me by surprise.

((((((( Axa ))))))))

and a Hug

Leah

[axa]

Leah,

Thank you, did lots of crying today.  Also did some gestalt work with my two voices and what has come up for me is lack of compassion for myself.  I drive myself so hard to be OK.......... and give myself little space to be vulnerable.  I need to understand that I cannot be ok all the time.  I feel like the only place I can come with my vulnerability is here.  I cannot do it in the 3d world.  I know people see me as this incredibly capable person who can get over ANYTHING.  I know I have contributed to this view of me by always being stoic.  I would so love to have someone take care of me for a little while, yep, I know me and many others here.  Sometimes it just all gets too much.  Signed up for a life drawing class this afternoon so feeling slightly more up beat.

xxxxxx

Thanks for hearing me.

Slan

axa