So what's going on here? Well, the psychological pro-
cess of developing an unconscious sense of victim anger
is largely a matter of misdirected blame, Here's how it
works, in common-sense language:
1. As a result of abuse, the child experiences
painful fear and hatred of the abuser(s).
2. But because the child feels essentially
powerless to stop the abuse or to convince
anyone to help, the child begins to perceive
the whole world as "unfair."
3. The child blames the world for being un-
fair, and, at the same time, begins to blame
himself or herself for not being "good
enough" to put up a successful fight against
the world.
4. The child learns that blaming the world
does not provide any immediate gratifica-
tion, and that punishing the world is not an
easy task, but that blaming the self-and
punishing the self-can provide immediate
and controlled satisfaction.
5, Because this self-destructive behavior is
unconsciously directed against the world,
however, and not against the self, the child
cannot realize, let alone accept consciously,
that he or she is now causing most of his or
her own pain.
6, Therefore, the child grows into an adult
who harbors an aching bitterness against
the world for its unpunished abuses, and,
at the same time, at every disappointment
he or she will find some convenient, secret
means of self-sabotage-and will then feel
justified in saying, "Look what they did to
me! It's not fair!"
And what strange satisfaction maintains all this self-
destruction? Well, it's the satisfaction of unconsciously
hoping to show the world how wrong it is. Like Hamlet
holding a mirror up to his mother, hoping that she will
see in herself the responsibility she played in the death
of the king, the person trapped in victim anger will hold
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes, will
condemn the world.
Thus you might hear someone saying, "So what if I get
cancer from smoking? Maybe it will serve them right.
Then they will see how much I had to suffer," And so
this unfortunate life will end, just like Hamlet, cluttered
with death and destruction.
Unlike a martyr, though, who lays down his or her life
out of pure love, this self-destruction has its deep motivation
in bitterness, hatred, and an obstinate rejection
of forgiveness.
When confronted by the victim anger of repetition,
therefore, your only hope is first to resolve the repetition
that traps you, You can't forgive"others if the real
problem is yourself: How can you accept the ugly part of
human nature if you can't see it in yourself and if you
can't accept your personal responsibility for constantly
placing yourself at risk? If you don't recognize the repetition,
all the kings horses and all the king's men-and
all the anger management classes in the world-won't
save you from your own unconscious efforts to destroy
yourself as you remain locked in the dark identity of
being a victim.
