Dating

[Leah]

Tayana:  You have had some superb insight and guidance ~ I had not thought of a boundary being set with 'at your pace'

have made a mental note of that, and all, though ...

as I have shared, I have not dated yet (avoidance of the idea still - scaredy cat mode)

However,

Izzy:     Rhett Butler and 'old school'  ~   I like - that's me, and so want to be treated right, and accepted as me.

Emptied:  Resonate with all you have shared, as that is how I would want to be in dating.

Hops:  Resonate with all you have shared also, and I could not be rushed, if I sensed being rushed, I would run away.


Grateful to have listened,

Love, Leah

[lighter]

Tay:

I think it makes it worse to worry about being freaked out over intimate touch.

You're not ready with this person right now, and that's understandable and perfdectly normal.

Giving yourself space and asking for space is appropriate and makes it easier to get more comfortable, if it's to come at all, IMO.

Once you've spent time, gotten to know her and, most importantly, become comfortable with herr...... you can tell if you want more touch or not. 

Slow down and look forward to the trip.  Relax.  It's gonna be OK.   

[Ami]

Always 'deep"(lol), I think that our journey with intimacy is first a journey to love and accept ourselves. I am just starting to do that now. I always had the "backwards" version of relationships. I will give to you, all I have, IF you tell me who I am and love me ENOUGH so I can love myself. This was stressful---very.
  Now, I am taking the inner journey in to loving myself. I am not that bad, when I can let go of all that N M garbage. I see glimpses of the old me, who was ,actually, pretty neat.
  So, I am taking the inner journey. I hope, someday ,to have outer intimacy ,with a man. It is one of life's greatest pleasures, but it is in God's hands. I have to always remember that He (God) gave me the greatest love possible and I shouldn't complain about what I don't get from life. Tayana, this is just me talking to myself. Excuse me for the soliloquy .LOL            Ami

[tayana]

Thank you for all of the responses.  They do help. 

Izzy:  I didn't mind the touching, really, but it did add to my nerves.  I thought I was handling the nerves fairly well, but they finally got to me.  Today I don't really feel all that well.  I think I made myself sick.

Emptied:  Your advice is wonderful, and I think you are right about not being too involved for a while.  We're both still at that getting to know you stage even though we talk almost every day either by phone or over email.  She has an abusive past as well, so we have a lot of understanding about issues.

Hops:  I guess I do feel a little rushed.  We're going to go on another date, maybe next weekend.  We were going to go today but I feel terrible.  So I asked for a raincheck.  This is a very different situation for me, since I've never really had a real relationship before and this was my first date.  I feel so silly writing that, but it's true.

Lighter:  There's that R word, the one I have a really hard time with.  I guess I feel like I'm expected to be able to reciprocate, and I have a hard time doing it.  I'll attempt to relax and enjoy the ride. 

[Hermes]

http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

An excerpt or two from a very valuable (longish) article by Dr. Joe Carver, a clinical psychologist, who is in practice in Ohio.

"Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective."

. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship. "
 

[Leah]

Thank You, Hermes

Very much valued and appreciated.

Intend to peruse with great interest.

Leah

[tayana]

Thanks Hermes, I'll have to look at the article in more detail.

[axa]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHA  so familiar, the loser.

After my first date with Xn I told my brother in law about him next morning at breakfast, his response "he sounds too good to be true"!!!!!!!!!

After a few weeks Xn offered me "everything" I asked him "What is the catch" his response "I am the catch"....................How true.

axa

[lighter]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHA  so familiar, the loser.

After a few weeks Xn offered me "everything" I asked him "What is the catch" his response "I am the catch"....................How true.

axa

Why's it so hard for us to believe people when they tell us who they are?

[axa]

Ligher dear, for me the difficulty was that I was still waiting for my prince........now how dumb was that.  I thought that because I had been through such a difficult time I deserved somebody wonderful who would be loving, supportive etc.  I wanted someone to bring me my happiness.  I had forgotten that I have to find my OWN happiness DUH!!!

axa

[gratitude28]

Tayana,
I never really dated. My relationships always progressed from a friendship into something more. I don't think I would even know how to date. I suspect I would feel the same as you have described here. Yes, I think you are overanalyzing - and anticipating.... If you like this girl, just go out and be with her. Let things move along as they will. Find shared activities and the romantic part will blossom with the deepened friendship and interests you share.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!!!
Love, Beth

[lighter]

::sigh:: 

Axa.... I understand.

[tayana]

Beth,

Right now H and I are really just friends, nothing more.  I introduced her to M as a friend, and he likes her.  He really likes her kids.

She's going to come over tomorrow night because she's in my area.  It's not what it sounds like.  We're going to do a game night and just play some board games or something like that.  It's not a date, really, just getting together for fun.

I am confused about something.  At what point do I tell M, that she's not really just a friend.  H and I have been talking on the phone/email a lot, and at some point I'd really like to go someplace without my son.  So when do I tell him she isn't just my cool friend who likes kids.

I was tempted to tell my brother that I'd met someone, but I kept it at friend and left it there.

[gratitude28]

Tay,
I would wait until the relationship moved along before mentioning anything of the sort to M. You are more than entitled to adult time, and that is what I would say to M. I think, with kids, they do not need new people in their lives as parental figures unless it is a SURE thing. So, if things go along and you decide H is the one for you and you want to cement the relationship, at that point, I would talk to M, but not before. He has had plenty of upheaval with the lack of father, psycho granadma and so on. Now, you are the person he will look up to and pattern after. My personal opinion is that relationships should be kept separate from children unless they are absolutely in the final form you will choose for your family. Honestly, were something to happen to my husband, I would focus on the kids solely. If I had a personal relationship, I would keep it wholly separate, unless the person were a perfect fit and I felt he could take part in our family. And that would take a lot of proof for me.
H sounds very nice and it is super that her kids like to play with M. The game night sounds like so much fun!!!
Yes, sharing the information with your brother would be nice.
Again, all my personal beliefs...
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Beth, what you wrote is what I've been thinking, deep down.  I was so relieved when I read it.  I know this might not last, and that this is just the first blush of infatuation I'm feeling.  It might not last, and I don't know how sharp my son really is.  He does have an idea about me, so he might figure it out, and if he does, I hope he tells me.  Right now, I'm keeping it at the friend level, more of a way of having playmates for M and someone adult for me to talk to. 

CB,  I think I'm going to go with interaction and no hint that it's anything other than casual friendship.  I like her, and she likes me, really likes me.  We were going to get together over the weekend, but I think I might ask her for a raincheck.  One, I'd like to spend some time with my kid alone and just do something and two, I'm feeling a little rushed and smothered.  So, if she can respect me asking for a little space, that's good right?

And maybe I can get my anxiety under control before I see her again after tonight.  I really hate this anxiety thing.