A question to those well on the road to recovery..

[emptied]

I am wondering if you would be willing to share one or two steps that you took in your life that you feel were the most important in helping you to start to recover. What has worked for you? Thanks very much in advance.

E

[Leah]

Dear E,

Have been thinking of your posting, which is brave to ask, and of which, I truly respect.

I would like to consider just one or two steps, as you say, and be able to share concisely, not in length (as in my rambling) to be of sensible use and meaning, for you.

I hope to be able to post back later on with this after giving it some thought.

Hope you are enjoying your day.

Love, Leah

[Hermes]

Dear E.

Was just reading your post, and I suppose a lot depends on what you have the energy to undertake at any given point after the N-trauma.  If you are at the immediate post-N state, then IMO it is important to actually spoil yourself a little, be "selfish" for a while (and that is very hard for those of us who are NOT selfish L).  One is so run-down after the dreadful experience that the physical self also needs some loving care, proper eating, vitamins, sleep.......

On a more practical note, I found the help of a therapist invaluable in those dreadful early days, definitely very worth while.  A second step was to get back to a good exercise programme, which truly helps one both physically and mentally.  These two things were, I found, quite invaluable.

All the best and hope you are having a good day.

Hermes   

[Certain Hope]

Dear E,

Well.... don't get remarried right away!!!   

I did, within months of ex-ing npd husband. 

Not a wise move, humanly speaking, but through it all, I met Jesus Christ -
and so, by the grace of God, my life is not my own anymore... and yet it's growing in directions I never imagined possible!

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Dear E

Have not forgot about you, and will try to post tomorrow, truly sorry.

Please know that your wise words on Tayana's Dating thread, have been duly noted in my journal!!

Thank you for joining us, you are valued and appreciated.

Love, Leah

[Kimberli63]

Dear Emptied, I think it is important to understand what happened and write about it. A therapist is a very good way to go but don't be surprised if it takes a while to find one that understands. I have seen dozens of therapists over the years, partly because my mother found me so difficult to deal with, that she had me seeing a psychiatrist when I was 5 years old. I had some handle on what was going on since I was 12  but it only had a name when, recently,  someone found me on MySpace and starting talking about this condition. I, also, found it very helpful to draw diagrams of patterns of behaviour. Some of the diagrams I drew in 1990 have been so helpful, now.

Keep contributing to the board. I, personally, found your story horrifying, and very sad.

Kim in Oz

[axa]

Dear E,

I think a good therapist also.  Something I have come to in the last year and has had a profound impact on my life is meditation.  I am not very good at it!! but it gave me release from the madness and pain of being with an N.   Also exercise, it did make a difference.

A few days after I threw XN out of my life I made a long list of things I would do if I was not afraid.  It was a mixture of exotic things and very very ordinary things and you know what, as the year passed I crossed each one off my list and just felt better and better.  I claimed something back for me.  I realised that the more I gave out to others the less I had for myself.  I was EMPTY.  I think filling yourself in whatever way you can is most important.

Thank you for this thread.  I was having a very bad morning this morning and remembering how far I have come has lifted me.  Thank you for your help to me.


Axa

[Overcomer]

For me it was the realization that I had been controlled by my mom my whole life and finally getting angry enough to set some pretty firm boundaries.  My anger gets the best of me sometimes.  I occasionally blow up at my mom but Those boundaries are number one in my book.  If someone steps on my boundaries I immediately stop them.

[Ami]

Dear Emptied,
  What an honest and humble question.
  I think that facing the truth about ourselves and our life will heal us. The Bible promises that,"You Shall Know the Truth and the Truth will Make you Free.'
  I think that the 'truth", taken as a 'medicine" will heal. It is bitter, though,lol.However,it is sweet,in the end.             Love   Ami

[Ami]

Well.... don't get remarried right away!!!   
[/quote]



Dear Carolyn,
  Your quote(above) reminds me of the saying,"Marry in haste, repent in leisure'--bleh.            Love   Ami

[Leah]

Well.... don't get remarried right away!!!   

Dear Carolyn,
  Your quote(above) reminds me of the saying,"Marry in haste, repent in leisure'--bleh.            Love   Ami

Re: my Life with exNH

The saying is true, I did !!!!   

[Overcomer]

I jumped into marriage and got a one dimensional man.  He is a drunk and definitely has something missing.  Like I will say something about politics and his response is Good for her.  How shallow is that.  Good for her.  Good for him.  Not- Well they have a good point about the economy or I prefer his plan for health care.  he just does not get it-or at least MY IT.  I jumped to spite my n Mom and the only person it hurt was ME!

[Leah]

Dear E

This is a wonderful resourceful thread, for all who may pass through, or remain.   Also, an opportunity to focus.

The most important step for me that has been of help:

Digging to find my Authentic Self, me, Leah. 

The Seeking, Finding, Thinking, Sifting, Sorting; all the stones out of my life journey.

Painful for sure, but, worth every small step.

Practicing the Tools learned, and gained, by applying them in life's testy situations.

Hard work, and sometimes lonely, however, being part of a community such as this, makes a difference.

Journal writing in a journal, and also, on the computer, has been so therapeutic, and healing.

Listening and Hearing ~ being Heard back, makes a real difference.

all of which = Confidence building, to give strength to my wobbly knees! 

Grateful for every step of the way.

Love, Leah


>>>  Tools for life such as:

#  Setting Healthy Boundaries

#  No Contact  ~  Limited Contact

[gratitude28]

Emptied,
Being able to catch "negative tapes" was the biggest step for me, I think. When I realized that many of the thoughts I attributed to my "bad" nature were actually planted by my NM. For example, thoughts about being the bad sheep, about doing things differently than most people - those were all words I could trace back to my mother - and not one bit true. I have always been a stable and responsible person. She sees me as some sort of maverick, lowly person. So... listen the next time you are thinking about yourself, and make sure what you hear is true.
I also have been reading quite a bit, and that brings to light more of the implanted thoughts and also helps with knowing I am not alone in this. For so many years, I just thought I was different from anyone else and felt angry and helpless. I now feel empowered knowing I can choose how I want to be.
So glad you are here, Emptied.
Love, Beth

[Hermes]

Hello to everyone:

Another important point to remember is that "life is unfair".  That is how it is.  We have only to look around to see multiple examples.  IMO an acceptance of this fact is important.  You can get caught in the path of a runaway truck whose brakes have failed, through no fault of your own.  Wrong place at the wrong time.  A lot of maybes.  Maybe the driver or maintenance people should have checked out those brakes, maybe the failure was no one's fault, maybe the driver had not enough skill to steer the vehicle off the road, into a field whatever.   Who know?
I simply draw this analogy to illustrate the things that can happen.
What one cannot do is beat oneself up for being in "the wrong place at the wrong time."

IMO this is a good article. 

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040315-000001.html