Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

childhood memory

<< < (2/2)

Portia:
Michelle, thank you for posting, it’s encouraging (giving me courage) to read you, sounds like you have a great therapist! A witness to abuse is a victim of abuse yes?

--- Quote ---I actually felt like the "child" Michelle - it was very strange and scary.
--- End quote ---
Mmm yes. I’m using the word scary a lot, and icky! What do you think of the idea/practice  of healing your inner child by being the adult you are now and reliving the memories – but as Big Michelle holding Little Michelle’s hand, telling her you’ll look after her and give her the love she didn’t have? Telling her it wasn’t her fault etc? I can see how this works…but it scares me, it’s so painful and I’m very wary of putting myself into that mental state without external help. It’s big stuff. Please continue letting us know how you get on Michelle and thank you. And hugs too.

Dawning, Dawning! From what you said above: there is no reason for you to apologise to your mother. No reason. How about:
Mother: “Why are you doing this to me?"
What P would like to say for Dawning: “Why does everything have to be about you??? How about asking Dawning how she feels today????”
I’d be very tempted not to answer the phone to her. Could you do that - emotionally and practically – do you have caller display/answerphone?


--- Quote ---I feel that if she can't use me, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me
--- End quote ---
Me too. And if I don’t let her, I’ll know for sure that she doesn’t love me and that will be that. Admitting it is one thing, accepting it is another. Working towards acceptance here. *sigh* hang in there. P

Michelle:
Thanks for your thoughts everyone -

CPlummer -


--- Quote ---How do you feel now that you've done it?
--- End quote ---
 

Hmmm...that's a hard one and I'm working on trying to figure that one out completely.  I feel very exhausted as you said.  I feel very sad to truly look my (our - including my brother) childhood in the face and realize it was bad - maybe even worse - than I had accepted all these years.  It definitely brings about a reality check.  I also feel very sad for what could have been.  My therapist is teaching me to slowly reparent myself - to retrain my thoughts and actions into those that might have been shaped by healthy parents, had I had them.  When I used to feel those memories and I would repress them, I automatically felt mad as hell.  But (surprisingly for me) when I actually went back to the memory and relived it, then journaled it out, I felt more sad than anything.  And it's strange, because all the memories that have plagued me are not as big and scary to me anymore.  Almost like I've gone back to rescue the child michelle from all those years of being bullied by the memories.  Thanks for your support.  


Bunny -

I'm glad that your brother and you are on good terms now....that everything seems to be worked out.  I was occasionally mean to my brother (I admit to saying some of the names to him that I heard my mom say - another horrible realization for me) and have talked to him about that briefly.  I wrote an apology letter last year when I really started confronting all this garbage and he called me telling me that I had nothing to apologize for (kind of like your brother did for you) but I knew that wasn't true and just validated his abuse for him....I told him I was sorry he had to have that childhood and he deserved so much better.  That he was a great guy and that it wasn't his fault.  Then he changed the subject - he still is in major denial.


Singer -


--- Quote ---But I remember standing in the bathroom and looking in kind of a detached amazement at the perfect outline of the buckle against my legs and maybe feeling a little bit of satisfaction. It was visible and I could point to it; not like the verbal stuff that didn’t leave any evidence.
--- End quote ---


That was so sad when I read that.  That a little child would NEED physical confirmation of their abuse to know that it actually happened.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  The crazymaking is so thick in the house that you feel like you are the crazy one.  Sometimes I even wondered if what just happened really happened or whether I made it up in my brain.  That's how my mom made us feel.   :roll:


--- Quote ---Have you talked things over with your brother?
--- End quote ---

I answered that up in the reply to Bunny just now.


--- Quote ---I think we both got that each other was not the real problem.
--- End quote ---

I agree - that was how we were too.  Even now, he acknowledges that moma is crazy but in the next breath he says "She hasn't changed, you have, why can't you just accept her as being that way - she'll never change".  

To which I reply that I have come to the point in my life that I cannot accept that as fact anymore.  The way she treats people is like her garbage.  She uses you until your not "acceptable" then throws you away.  I cannot live that way.  I also have made it clear to him that he has a choice just like I do.  It's hard though, because he still lives near her and I understand how he feels - when your immersed in her, it truly feels like you don't have a choice.


Dawning -


--- Quote ---We hung up on each other. First time that has ever happened. And the first time I didn't set aside my feelings to take care of her and call her back with an apology because, frankly, I felt like sh*t and had to deal with my own stuff before I could deal with hers.
--- End quote ---


Good for you, Dawning!  That's a great step that you took and a HUGE one!  I'm proud of you for doing that.  It feels weird though doesn't it.  I'm sorry to hear about the physical abuse by your mom and aunt when you were younger.  You are so so right about that turning into another form of abuse later to "replace" the abuse that they "can't" give to us anymore.  It feels exactly the same and I almost feel like I have been "liberated" from a dictator by making these changes.  My blood pressure has even gone down.  Now is that a sign or what?   :lol:


Portia -

(First, nice to see you here for a moment - I enjoy it when you wander over and speak your voice here  :) )


--- Quote ---A witness to abuse is a victim of abuse yes?

--- End quote ---

Very wisely said and very correct.  There were 3 siblings and the older 2 (myself and my middle brother) were abused the most severely.  Me - emotionally and sexually; my brother - verbally and physically.  I'm sure he is just as scarred from my abuse (that he knows about anyway) as I am from his.  Good point.


--- Quote ---What do you think of the idea/practice of healing your inner child by being the adult you are now and reliving the memories – but as Big Michelle holding Little Michelle’s hand, telling her you’ll look after her and give her the love she didn’t have? Telling her it wasn’t her fault etc?
--- End quote ---


It's very scary for me because I have pretty much blocked out all of those feelings that I had as a child.  I wasn't allowed to feel anything other than "loyalty, love, honor, respect, admiration, blah blah blah" for my mother.  Now that I am allowing myself to feel how I "really" felt inside, it's like opening a beautiful fine chocolate bar that was hidden in your dresser that you didn't realize was there.  ha ha.  I'm obviously a chocolate lover.   :lol: Like I said somewhere else, my therapist is teaching me to retrain myself - I am actually learning why I do some of the things I do (habits, beliefs, etc) and that some of them are unhealthy behaviors for me.  She is showing me how to reparent myself and learn to love my child Michelle.  It's hard and painful, but so far has been very rewarding and eye opening.  


Hugs to all - thanks for being there to fall back on in my hard moments.

Love, Michelle

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page