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the spiritual impact of N mothering

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Jessie:
I have had loads of therapy and am much recovered from my N mothering. I now 'manage' her quite well. I am happy with good kids and a good relationship. But I have always felt lost spiritually. Up until the last year or two even the word God made me sneer cynically - 'what God?' The reading I have done talks about the fact that our mother is our first spiritual connection and if she is not there for us how can we trust that there is anything/one looking out for us? I have battled with trusting life, and at times questioned whether I existed or not.
As I am recovering I want to find a peace within me that may come from something spiritual. Does anyone else feel like this?

Dawning:
I feel that I don't belong anywhere except maybe in nature which, thankfully, has always helped me get balanced.  And music.

But I often feel that I have no family or group and that I make a mess of things when I get involved in groups.  Like my mere presence upsets things.


--- Quote ---The reading I have done talks about the fact that our mother is our first spiritual connection and if she is not there for us how can we trust that there is anything/one looking out for us?
--- End quote ---


I have felt like this throughout most of my life and felt it hard to trust people enough to let them get to know me and all my imperfections.  I felt that eventually they would see how crazy I was and leave.  Its a self-fulfilling prophecy because this has, indeed, happened.  And the abandonment leaves me angry, sad and fearful all at the same time.  About 6 months ago, it was very bad...I felt I had no one looking out for me and no one interested in my well-being.  So I laid in the dark on my bed saying over and over to myself..."you are safe...you are safe...you are safe..."  I have to reprogram myself that the world IS a safe place and that I am worthy of existance here along with everyone else.  This "mantra" actually works for me now and helps me get to sleep on some nights.

Spirtuality takes different shape for each individual I think and I won't allow anyone to push anything on me.  I have to listen to my intuition and ask alot of questions to those I trust.  Which at the moment is this board and a few people I work with.  I am interested to hear more.  LIttle by little.

jessie:
Thank you for your reply. I think that for those of us with N mothers have deep rooted trust issues. Not only not trusting people but not trusting life itself.
I think this basic mistrust leads to low level (or even High level!) depression and anxiety for much of our lives.
it's like the world isnt a safe place to be in.
so it's hard to find inner peace. But I know what you mean about nature and music. That does it for me too, although if the music is sad I can go right down. I have to choose my music carefully!

Dawning:
Hi Jessie.


--- Quote ---Not only not trusting people but not trusting life itself.
--- End quote ---


I think when I get like this it is almost always when my relationships with humans and my attempts at intimacy appear to fail in my mind.  When I feel loved and accepted for who I am in a give and take *caring* environment, I find I can trust life but - if that is taken away - I go right back to distrusting life and people and *myself* in a heartbeat.  Lately, my equilibirum has been damaged somewhat and my intuition tells me to get it back by talking about mutually interesting topics with people and nurturing intimacy that way.   Yet another part of me tells me to be alone some more so I can heal.  I always think I have to heal alone.

Glennis:

--- Quote ---The reading I have done talks about the fact that our mother is our first spiritual connection and if she is not there for us how can we trust that there is anything/one looking out for us?
--- End quote ---


Interesting thought, that. I have an adoptive N-mother. I can remember a dream in which I was riding with my mother and father on bicycles, when I fell off the trail, and was hanging by my fingers over a cliff. My mother, with her red hair set with bobby pins all over her head, peered over the edge of the cliff, but refused to help me.

I was a child at the time of the dream, and I still remember it at age 50.
The bobby pins on her head was the way she used to set it in real life. I told her about the dream, and she said, "Oh you know I'd never do that." I remember thinking I wasn't so sure. She was always mad at me for some reason. She'd say she loves me and then treat me like crap.

And in thinking about my mother and spirituality, I never thought my mother's religion was real. She took us to church every Sunday, without fail. As I grew older, I began to realize Mother wasn't going to church to gain any spirituality, or to worship God. She was going there with her family all dressed to the nines for show. Going to church was her way of appearing virtuous and stylish at the same time.

She was in competition with other mothers at church. She had one friend who always bragged about her children. My mother did the best she could to brag, but once we were home, I was compared to her friend's child, Susie, a lot.

"Susie is a good little girl, and always does as she's told." "Susie gets straight A's, why can't you?" These were two examples of what I was regaled with constantly.

Of course, I began to hate Susie, and knowing I'd never measure up, stopped bothering to try.

It took many years to become who I really am, and to trust my own instincts and intuition...and to even come close to my own potential for what I can do in this world. Much of that was from finally realizing that my n-mother was absolutely wrong about me.

I'm not someone who constantly needed to be "fixed." I'm a strong, independent woman with a better idea on how life works than my n-mother ever will.

Today, she says little. She doesn't know how to handle me. I have strong boundaries, and will not accept criticism from her. (It's never constructive, always the opposite and designed to control me.)

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