On Twiggy's Final Chapter

[Certain Hope]

Dear Amber,

Wanted to let you know that I've read your most recent installment on the story board... and you've really
got me thinking about *righteous anger* and how that fits into the context of our lives.

I'm just at the edge of something here, but hoping to piece it together.
It's not about forgiveness, even...
not if there's even the smallest part of us which interprets forgiveness as meaning that whatever wounded us
"really wasn't that bad".

What you wrote about allowing Twiggy to remain angry indefinitely about the specific instance of not being believed...
oh yes, that is worthy of anger. Righteous anger at such deep injustice. Keeping it focused where it belongs, and in the light of day,
 defuses that anger's ability to distort current perceptions. I SO see the value of that.

And I wanted to tell you something I realized today, about my own little Twiggy who still stamps her foot on occasion.
It's about the smoking... and for whatever reason, I thought a bit wistfully about it today... and then immediately remembered
how bad my lungs felt while I smoked... and yet... for a minute, there was anger, but more to the tune of, "But why can't I smoke and still
breathe so easily as I can now, without it?!!" In other words, "Why do I have to keep giving up all this stuff... no fair."
Yeah. OY.

So yes, that's just a small thing, but then here I was reading what you posted today, and thinking - okay, my own little Twiggy, go ahead
and stomp your foot if you must, be we are NOT smoking again, because the fact is, it IS bad for us, and we enjoy feeling better and more energetic.
And besides... I'm the boss now 

Tee Hee!   

I hope you'll post more when you can about the road ahead!

With great appreciation and love,
Carolyn

[write]

people tell me that you still occasionally want a gigarette even years after stopping smoking and even when you don't really want one....I haven't smoked for years but every now and then I smell some good tobacco or see a certain gesture as someone is smoking and I remember all the camaraderie and structure it brings to the day. At too high a price for me now I'm getting older....not to mention wrecking my voice...

 

[Certain Hope]

I understand, Amber... I had to reach the point where I saw absolutely clearly what an unreasonably strong compulsion smoking was for me, before I could even consider quitting.
It was definitely more than a physical habit. Thank you for explaining this yet again.
 I'll be stirring it all around in my mind and heart and hope it'll help lead me to the next point in my own process, which is to stop using the quit-aid, those nic. lozenges, completely and for good.
Again, it doesn't make sense for me to still be relying on them... because throughout the first 2 months of my quit, I used only a third of the allowed daily amount, but now I'm using more! No sense at all, reasonably speaking, so clearly I've not yet reached the root of the compulsion.

Permission to feel... yes. Exactly. Such an important blessing which was always withheld from those in authority over us.

That struck me again today, while at the dentist's office. My previous terror of the dentist is completely gone now. My muscles have the memory of the physical tensing, but in my mind, there is no stress about it. And as I was sitting there, I realized... it's because I confessed my fear, openly and without shame, and was not told I had no reason to fear!!!!!
There was no diminishing, no dismissal, no nullification, no rationalization (from the dentist and staff) - - only understanding and comfort and reassurance. That's what it took. Amen.

We will get the rest of the way, I am certain.

Love,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

I've been dependent on the nicotine gum for years.
I had such a hard time quitting (or making it stick) that I made a conscious choice.
Since nicotine is more difficult to quit than heroin, physiologically, I told myself it didn't matter.
I needed to switch to a safe source.

A doctor told me, if what 1 cigarette does to your body is a 10, what a piece of Nicorette does to you is a quarter of 1.

So I have traded maintaining some nicotine in my bloodstream for that plus toxic smoke.

One day, I'll get ambitious enough to quit the gum too. But even if I'm chewing it forever, I feel clean.

It is TRULY a very intense physiological addiction for me. My brain wants it more than my willl wants to give it up.
And I have zero guilt about that. I've decided to live with that addiction for as long as I want to. For some, it's coffee, for others, sugar, for some, meat...whatever. My turn will come to detox from nicotine. Meanwhile, my heart is fine, my lungs are clear, my nose works and all the other benefits of being SMOKE free if not nicotine free, are here.

Just a thought for the struggle, with love,
Hops

[Sela]

Hi Ya'll,

It's so incredible how I can be feeling so alone and come here to read and find so much that helps me feel not alone at all.

Thankyou all for all of your wonderful sharing!   (((((((((((((((all))))))))))))))))))

I am also still using the nic gum, one of my goals being to give it up, and I guess I'm somewhere between trying hard not to guilt myself for still having an addiction/not setting a quit date... and trying to understand all the compulsion stuff (be it physical and/or in my head), that I believe plays a large part in the whole "addiction" thingy.

And here I thought I was the only gum-addict alive!! 




Dear Amber,

For me, below my "Twiggy's" anger is hurt.  I think that because of the way she usually reacts to cruelty:




First, she hurts and then she gets mad.




I feel so not alone knowing there are other "Twiggy"s who feel mad and I am now wondering if any are similar  in..........trying to allow the hurt to come to the surface and be released?  Wanting to know/hear that it's ok to feel hurt and longing for the comfort of understanding and compassion?  First coming to realize that it's hurt that is actually at the bottom of it all?  I think maybe that's what's going on.    It seems like it's taking forever though. 



I know I need more patience.  Yes I do.



re:  Forgiveness

It  seems so intertwined in the whole process........in my mind it's the elixir that will eventually cure

..... as is the guilt my "twiggy" feels for not forgiving, just as braided into the tangle and needing as much release.........that guilt is.



I heard some lines that stuck me recently, while half listening to a tv show one eve:


"Your anger will fade.  Believe me!  It will eventually disappear.  And then you will be left with nothing but guilt.  You will wish you had of forgiven me and not wasted all of this time."



Truly, some things do seem like a waste of time to me.    Now I just have to convince my "Twiggy" eh?

Sela

PS:  On edit

Not sure if I'm making sense?  To clarify:

Now I just have to convince my "Twiggy" that anger and guilt are likely products......the core feeling likely being ........hurt......which is ok to feel.......righteous to feel.....normal ( ) even to feel........

when faced with cruelty.  And that not releasing these and allowing the core feeling to emerge.... might be time wasted?
I don't know.  Maybe That makes even less sense?  I know what I mean but the words don't seem  adequate.

[Sela]

Hi Amber,

Thanks for taking the time to explain.

And by helping her/me to replace thinking, feeling, obsessing on the object of the anger all the time with OTHER things... the anger diminishes, fades out.

I'm not sure what you mean by replace with other things?  If you feel like explaining further.  If not, no worries.

Sometimes the cure for anger isn't forgiveness - it's letting go of or putting the object of the anger into the bigger context of the rest of your life.

In my head, true forgiveness means not feeling any anger or resentment towards a person/object (any longer).  That's when I will feel I have truly forgiven and the reason I think that that kind of forgiveness is a cure is that when I no longer have any feelings of anger or resentment toward that person/object, then I will truly be free.....and no longer suffering within myself.  That's just what it means to me and may not be applicable to anyone else.

I think all feelings are valid and worthy but some are not helpful to me, especially after awhile.  That might be one of my mucked up ideas?  I don't know.  I just get sick of .....I love your word....obsessing.

I'm glad you've come to a place where you have let go and put the object of your anger into the bigger context of the rest of your life.  That sounds very comfortable and cool.   


Also.......way to go on your road to quitting (smoking)!!!  In the end, you will be ahead of the rest of us who are hooked on the gum!!  (and I believe we will all catch up with you soon, and be free of all crutches......as I call mine.....when the decision is made to do so....and that decision will come when the time is right).

I like to hope.     I guess I could have worse habits eh?

Sela

[Sela]

Thankyou so much Amber, for explaining all of that.

I see what you mean.  In my head, I have called the replacing thingy.....distracting.  It works for me too.  Gets me focussed on something other than my pain (or my "Twiggy's" pain---yes, I knew you meant inner child).  A good and useful CBT I think too.

Still......underneath.....eventually, it seems, the "pain" (hurt, anger, resentment, guilt, etc).....returns and boils up again (in my case).  When will it all be released (is my question) for once and for all?  When will replacing it/refocussing/distracting be a permament cure (and when will I no longer feel the need to release or when will I feel that release is complete)?

Answer:  When the habit (replace/distract with positive stuff) becomes ingrained maybe?  When I truly choose to forgive maybe?  I'm still hoping something habitually helpful will happen.

 I dunno.  Thanks for posting.  It's getting me back into think mode.

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Sela,
It's wonderful to see you posting.
I too think that old anger and grief don't full-stop, but I believe over time they are viewed with more detachment, like waves...they don't define the beach, they just land there.

Amber,

I don't want quitting to become another obsession; that only gives it energy - and energy gives it power over me

PURE SANITY.

love
Hops

[Certain Hope]

((((((((All y'all)))))))

Just skimmed your replies and hope to have some better comprehension-skills available soon... possibly after evening tea... but then again, maybe not - - - awfully tired this evening. Just wanted to say how wonderfully soothing it was to log in and to *see* you lovely ladies here (figuratively speaking) and to know that I'm not alone, too/either. Just felt like coming home : )

And Sela... you are always refreshing!! This especially came through my haze loud ly and clearly: 
"I'm still hoping something habitually helpful will happen."   Amen!

Much love,
Carolyn

[axa]

Amber,

I read this thread and have tears streaming down my face.  I am so moved by your compassion and care for Twiggy.  I am so impressed by how you are "growing her" 

I want to acknowledge how moving this thread has been for me.

xx

axa

[Sela]

Thanks again Amber,

I truly believe it'll never stop "coming up" for me.

There's my problem in a nutshell.  I believe it will stop coming up (for the most part) but I'm just impatient and want it to happen yesterday.   It's happened for me before and I believe it can happen again but it seems I was just so dang much more resillient when I was younger.  Everything is sooooo much slooooooower now (let your imagination run along that one).

just be another thing I'd experienced in the course of my life

This is a very helpful thought and so is this:

.....frame the damn thing. Hang it.

Thankyou for those.  Tomorrow, when my brain starts to function again........

Hiya Hops,

Thanks for your kind words.  The trouble is....I'm not viewing today.  I feeeeeeling.  I'm having an emotional day, I guess.  The kind that seems to drag on and on.  Tomorrow (I know....I repeat myself waaaaay too much) ......tomorrow will be better.  It usually is.  Tomorrow my brain will take over again and all will be well.

Hi too Carolyn,

Me?  Refreshing?  I feel like quite the opposite today, let me tell ya.  Thanks for that.

Have a good rest this evening.  Glad you're home safe and sound.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sela