Hops update

[Hopalong]

Thanks much Cat, Sela, and all...

She's being moved to the nursing home today so I'll go tuck her in after work. The doc said she's not discouraged yet. But when the reality hits (I can't walk, etc.) it will be very hard. Who knows though, she is a very stubborn woman from strong Okie stock!

My brother has departed, Allelu.
He will be back Mon. or Weds., misere me.

I'm feeling dispirited about posting much, but on the other hand, I'm feeling a sense of awakening in 2-D land. I know it's the freedom. Transient or now, it feels like I'm stretching.

Still, I do hate to see her sadness.
Stokes are brutal. I'd rather be hit by a train.

love to all,
Hops

[seasons]

Hops so sorry to hear of your moms stroke.
I'm happy she is getting good care. Hope each day will be a bit better.

Take care of you too. Much love for you both. (seasons)

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Seasons.
I tucked her in tonight, and she's not distraught.
A bit confused and weak, but not agitated.

Meanwhile, my brother sicced a lawyer on me...got a letter.
He wants to take over my mother's finances...all of a sudden....

Where was he the last 15 years?

I'm disgusted and appalled but rallying my own troops.
Got good legal advice. Know what to do.

When it's over I don't think I ever want to see my brother again.
He is not welcome in my life.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Hops,

I imagine that any court/authority will also wonder where he was for the past 15 years... the old crumb-bum.

Love,
Carolyn

[cats paw]

Hops,

   I can relate to what you said about your mom happily moving about the bookstore just the other day.

   Since your brother is gone, and no longer cooking, I can assume you have released yon tasters from duty?

Cat 

[Hopalong]

Mom's stable, peaceful and it will be a good long while before there are any medical updates to offer. The body's very slow about stroke. I will visit her every evening and keep her spirits up as best I can.

But I need to talk about my brother. Here's the deal:

In the last year I made several mistakes in her finances. Had a cluster of bounced checks. (Three.) I fixed it, set up an overdraft protection account for her, deposited some of my money to her account, but the truth is, I didn't handle it quickly and haven't tracked it well this year. This was the first year of my new job and I was just WEARY. What tipped us over was an expensive landscape/foundation job on the house, plus me hiring the 2nd caregiver for her late in the day.

What happened to bring down my brother upon my head was that my mother got hold of an overdraft notice and called him, and rather than call me to ask if I'd sorted it out, he went behind my back, made a deposit, and then came here to threaten me and demand that I give him access to her accounts.

I do not trust him. Errors or not, I have done an honorable job, and I am not incapable. Once I realized that he'd made a deposit to her account (I had to go to the bank manager) I paid him half of it immediately and arranged for a loan to pay him the rest next week. I have managed her affairs for nine years now, surely I am allowed one episode of inattention?

At any rate, while cooking and shoveling snow (after the day when he scarily --the old bully face--ordered me to go to the bank with him) ... he also managed to slip in a visit to a local high-powered attorney, who just wrote a letter "requesting a meeting to discuss the handling of her finances".

I have talked to a friend from church who advises me that this is a tempest in a teapot, and says I should go to the original lawyer Mom used for her will and ask him to review her accounts and respond with his own letter to my brother's lawyer. And, this friend advised me also to say not one word to my brother about it...not even mention it. Let him wonder.

Anyway, I feel guilty about my paperwork inattention but there was no disaster, no graft, no embezzling, just sloppiness. And I absolutely will not work with my brother or turn over one iota of control to him.

He was and remains a pathological liar and a bully. He was the nightmare of my childhood and I will never return to that bad dream.

But I'm upset and sad that he is dragging me into a battle just at a time when I need to be calm and concentrate on Mom and on maintaining her and my own health.

There it is,
Hops

[Ami]

(((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))  I am so sorry for the pain of your situation.            Love, Ami
                                                                             

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Ami.

I will be reading your thread too...please update us.

With true concern,
Hops

[Leah]

Dear (((((( Hops )))))))

He is not a brother, he is a bother, not worth bothering with, IMO.

However, you have been given superb advice, and especially, with the 'not mentioning' bit.

Thinking about yours/your mother's -- lawyer, and the letter he will be writing in support of you,

could he include the years of ongoing care and attention that you have provided, unconditionally, to your mother,

and presently doing, in your care and concern with visits to comfort her, right now.

All this, and more, while trying to remain independent, providing for yourself.

Thoughts of you, with care and support.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

Dear ((((((((((Hops)))))))))))

I absolutely agree with Leah. You are standing on solid ground in this, having given all that was yours to give in the care of your mom, in the midst of very difficult circumstances. Your brother's blow-harding bluster can't shake you now. So glad you've gotten wise legal counsel!
I am all for leaving the bully to wonder!!

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Sela]

Dear Hops,

Here's my blunt take:

1.  Your brother hasn't changed.  He's still a nasty bully. (I'm sure you're aware of that but I just want to state it loud and clear in case you have even the slightest doubt).

2.  For the past 15 years he hasn't cared for your mother or her money and he still doesn't care for her.

3.  He is, however, I bet my left foot, very interested in her money. (He sees the $ sign at the end of the tunnel getting closer and closer and figgers he can bully you into giving HIM control.)  I'm so glad you aren't allowing him to be in charge.  Good for you!!  Keep going Hops!!

You are doing a good job standing your ground.  Do get to that lawyer and continue your brave and firm stance.  Do take care of you....your emotional stuff by continuing to post/vent/etc and take lots of nice hot baths. 

I'm sure I'm projecting my own stuff here but nevertheless I want to wring his little slimey kneck.   I also love the idea of not engaging with him at all about this and will keep praying for you and your mom (so glad she's not flipping out too.....whew!  Good!  Great!!).

(((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))

Wish I had more to offer but I'm useless.  I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this jerk but just keep doing what you're doing and reminding yourself that when this is over......you won't EVER  have to do so again.

Sela

[Hopalong]

Leah, thank you for "he is not a brother"...that will ease the NC later on. It's really true...
(I had a male friend once, someone I worked with, to whom I got very close...and when he moved away we went out for a burger and I burst into tears and told him I had felt that he was "the good brother" I never had...)

Carolyn, bluster is a very good word. It helps him shrink down to size in my mind.

Oh Sela. Thank you. He is a nasty bully. He is also pitiful, but in the way that a dangerous wounded animal is pitiful. You feel pity, but you know to keep a wall between you...

thanks, all. I am tackling the problems as fast as I can and I will not give up.

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Hope, have you thought how much your mother had to do in the way your brother treated you? Was she enableing him? Did she not protect you?

I remember my brother telling me that he was a better son and my mom loved him more because I was a bad daughter. But that was not his fault. My mom brain washed him.

The worst, my brother has never done anything to damaged me, just the bragging about my moms, preference for him and that he was blind to the abuse.

But I was wondering, parents should be able to make their children to build good relationships. If they promote a bad relationship, is because they do not want the children to have a good relatioship.

I am very sorry your brother is the way he is. I would not put all the blame on him. The person who raised him had to have reinforced that behavior in some way.

I hope that you have somebody in 3D to help you. These things are difficult to deal alone. And at this point, the NC would be a good idea, I guess.

Hope I did not say anything that made you feel bad. If your brother does anything physical on you, you might be able to get a restraining order.

[Hopalong]

I do see a connection between NMom and Nbrother...I don't know if it was conscious on her part, but as he was jealous that I came into the world (dethroning him at the first child), she seemed jealous of me. Partly because my father doted on me, I don't know. I felt she cared about me as a doll to turn out well dressed and well behaved to reinforce her anxious social climbing.

It wasn't conscious on her part. I don't think I'll blame her for him. Unless it's maybe a question of a gene she carried (her father was the one who abused his daughters, so she probably internalized that my sadness wasn't important)...

Hops

[Lupita]

hope that you consider a restraining order if he does anything physical, just braking something in a tempertamtrum would be enough. God will help you.

And I am praying that it is a good idea, if not, just disregard.

God bless.