Hey all!
I don't know if this topic is still of interest. I have wanted to post, but it has taken me at least a week to work up the courage to talk about this... Isn't that funny? Why should careers and work be threatening?! I have also been trying to process my thoughts... So, if you still want to listen, I think I may finally be ready to talk. Try as I might, I still may not be very articulate or organized! Here it goes...
OK, ready? Promise not to stone me?
All of my life I have felt "called" to ministry. I grew up with church as the one place that seemed to accept me and encourage me.
Now I am 22. I have graduated from college, and in the fall am headed, as most everyone expected, to seminary....
But now, I have all of these questions!!!
NOTE: If you are a very traditional Christian, I am NOT trying to offend!!! It might be wise not to read on if you are a fundamentalist. Please don't respond with intolerance!
Now, I know the church. I know it has literally burried the history of women and the value in women. It pretty much excludes gay and lesbian people, it is So patriarchial and traditional... I am way to radical for this! I am not strong enough to be radical in a traditional setting.
The local church can be a wonderful place, but it, probably like most organizations, is can be mean, and aflicted... It is very political, there are always money problems, and always people who want to control. I don't know if I want to spend my life in this work. I don't know if I have the endurence!
I also know more than a few pastors who have major boundary issues themselves. I wonder if this career draws people who have such aflictions. I wonder if I have such issues. My hunch is that I struggle with authority, and with setting limits. I would never want to hurt anyone or create dependancy. I would not want to do this work if it were about my need to be loved.
I know that spiritually, I have more questions and fewer answers each day. How can I help others with the theology of suffering, how can I help others to define God? I can scarce deal with my own spiritual issues.
Part of me wants to work in Urban settings. I am with children in urban ministry this summer. I love it, and it is hard, exhausting work. There is not much money, and lots of marginal people...
Another issue, is that I am interested in so many different things. I am interested in academics, I am interested in Social Work, I am interested in feminism, in counseling... I am actually currently planning on a dual degree in Social Work and Divinity. Why am I doinng this? Am I trying to be an over achiever? Do I just want more options? Am I going to overwhelm myself?
I am fighting the idea that I have to be married to a single career. Yet, I have a hard time not feeling like I am speeding down a road without any brakes. If not this, than what? I don't really know how to go about career discernment.
The issues my parents contribute are similar to y'alls. A sense of deep inadequacy, fear of making mistakes, fear that I will never pick something that will be a happy choice, fear of being judged harshly...
Indecision... A constant nagging critical inner voice, that I have to intentionally try to quiet.
Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now on that subject...thanks for waiting for me. Thank's for letting me vent my anxiety!
Peace, sjkravill