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Am I truly this selfish?

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mighty mouse:
Since I have been "reparenting" myself (retraining my behaviors, thoughts to more healthy ones), I have had a much increased self esteem and realized that this is one of the most loving decisions I could make for my family. I wish the same for you.

Screamer,

Ditto what Michelle said above 1000 times. It's the best thing I've ever done.

Jaded,

You are too kind. :oops: ah Shucks!

MM

Ellie:
Screamer,
More on the extent Ns will go.

My parents forced my sister to let them adopt her daughter at 4 years of age because my sister got pregnant while not married (the worst sin/ reflection any of us girls could have done to them!), and because she did get married to the father, but then divorced him. My mom told me when she found out my sister was pregnant that she would take that child from my sister, that my sister did not deserve a child for that behavior. My N dad told her if she gave in without a battle, which would cost them $1k, they would allow her to remain a part of her daughter's life - only as a sister, not a mother. If she fought them which would cost $10k, they would make sure she never had access to her daughter ever again. My dad told her he had connections and had already consulted a lawyer and was assured he would gain custody of the grand-daughter after the things he had told the lawyer. She was too weak to stand up for herself and without a partner to help her battle them, she gave in. Eventually they used keeping mother and daughter apart as punishment. If the grand-daughter didn't make the grades in school they expected, or misbehaved, or if my sister didn't do exactly as they demanded, they refused to let them visit each other. To this day they say they were only looking out for the grandchild's welfare. Truth is, their siblings were adopting their grandchildren and they didn't want to be left out, plus it was more N supply!

I left my daughter (then 3 years old) with them for a couple weeks when we were getting ready to move across the country. I didn't know the extreme my parents would go to at the time - I know now! When I called each evening to talk to my daughter, my mom got on the phone with her and told her to tell me she didn't love me anymore, she wanted to live with her ma-maw. My daughter cried and said she wanted her mommy and my mom told her, with me on the phone that her mommy left her there, ma-maw was now her mommy. My daughter told me a few years later that she remembered standing at my mother's front door crying for me because that was the last place she saw me, and my mom grabbed her, drug her away from the door fussing at her for crying and told her that her mommy didn't love her anymore, that she had left her there and she was her mommy now, she had to just get over it and stop making ma-maw feel bad by crying.

The story is similar to the posting from Michelle. Ns are just as destructive as grandparents as they are as parents. I wish I had known more years ago before I let my parents have access to my children. I would have set limits very early, but I just didn't know what I know now.

Since we moved, my N dad has accused my H and I of beating our chldren and threatened to call CPS and turn us in so they would "take our children from us and give them to them". This came because he is angry that we moved across the country and "took his grandchildren from him".

I do not feel guilty that my children do not see their grandparents anymore. We have set our boundaries and told the grandparents that they can only visit the kids here at our home. We will not let the children go to their house. My parents refuse to visit us because they know they have to abide by our rules here and will not do that. I do feel bad that my children do not have loving grandparents. But it is not something that I can change or control.

You said:

--- Quote ---I want to believe that I'm doing this to save my children from growing up like I did. That the long line of generational abuse will end with me. But the truth is... I want this for me. I want to be free of this. I want to live in today and not yesterday. I want to end this madness I have lived in and just breath free air. I want to develop my own self-respect and self confidence. I want to have a happy family.
--- End quote ---


That is not selfish! That is the best gift you can give yourself, your H and your children. I wish I had recognized half of what you know when I was just beginning my family. I could have saved my family a lot of heartache. They are all fine from their past experiences, but I am so depressed as I try to fight my way out of my past demons. It affects the whole family.

My mom was also in the delivery room when I had my first child. She actually argued with the doctor when he said it looked like an 8 pounder coming - just as I was ready to push. I vividly remember her telling the dr that no one in her family had big babies and I would not break that mold. The dr told her he was sorry, but I was definitly having an 8 pound baby and I thought my mom was going to cry. I had an 8lb 4oz baby boy with no difficulty at all! But it's ridiculous that my most vivid memory of the birth of my first child was my mother arguing with my dr!

And then she stayed with us for 6 weeks! She didn't want to leave her first grandson. She actually told me she didn't think I ever wanted children so I should let her take him home with her cause I didn't know how to be a mother. I laughed because I thought she was joking, until 6 years later when she adopted my niece.

Good luck with whatever you decide regarding including your mom, and lots of luck (and fun) starting your family!

Anonymous:
Oh these stories make me feel like crying!

I didn't cut off from my mother and she hurt my daughter too, all the sorts of things that Michelle talked about. I thought I should be a good daughter and give my mother the pleasure of her grandchild - but when I wasn't around my mother would say to my little two year old 'why doesn't your mummy love me, tell mummy she must love me'.
My daughter came to me crying 'why don't you love Nannie?' (sorry I'm English!) and got really confused. She loved her Nannie but used to cry alot before and after seeing her. She ended up having to see a child psycholgist because she was so distressed about everything. She's now 22 and can talk about it, but I wish I had been able to protect her. I didn't know about narsissism in those days.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY OR SELFISH - YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING SELF - ISH ANYWAY?

BEST WISHES Jessie

Anonymous:
Screamer, Ellie, Michelle, and Jessie,

How terrible and ugly!  The magnitude of what some Ns can do is astounding and I still reel from the shock of some of the stories people share here.  Ellie, your story makes the movie "Chinatown" seem like a fairytale in comparison.   Your poor sister!   :oops:  

All of these stories just confirm my decision to keep my kids away from my major N.  No head trips, please!  

Screamer, it is natural to have doubts, guilt, and wild expectations.  Don't forget the hormone factor during pregnancy!  Just work through those emotions before they affect any decisions re your mother.  

Hugs to all of you for your courage!  Seeker

mrt:
Screamer,
Hi, I can empathize with you! I have cut my parents and siblings out of my life. It's been about 2 years and I have barely spoke to them.  I was getting angry and making scenes and went to a doctor for anger & depression.

Long story short. The doctor referred me to a therapist. My insurance would only pay for a psychiatrist - so I went. I took some letters that my N family had written me and guess what? I found out that I wasn't crazy after all. He suggested that I cut them out of my life!  

I of course have the guilt and question the decision extensivelybut I'm learning to deal with it.  It is hard but I know I did the right thing and some people tell me that I've made the right decision.  (Some say I should reconcile - but they can only see my N family's side and think they are innocent. ) what hurts is that they don't seem to care that I'm not around anymore. They act like I don't exist and I haven't heard from them either! Oh well if the price of sanity is a little emotional turmoil then so be it. I will learn eventually to let it go.

I do feel like I have peace in all other facets of life. I feel like I gave them some of the best years of my life and that's okay. I GAVE it away. My choice My mistake - call it what you want. But now I am choosing to go on with my life without them.  I've been a lot happier and finally feel freedom.  Keep working towards  your goal.
About your fear of your future kids not having anything to do with you. I would never allow them to have to make that decision.  Don't treat them like you were treated. Be humble. If you make mistakes - apologize for God's sake. Keep it real. Don't play games. Love them unconditionally!

Keep your chin up.


Mrt

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