Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Am I truly this selfish?

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jaded:
Mighty Mouse, those are very wonderful words you spoke to screamer.  You always speak very powerful words via type and I just wanted to let you know that they have alot of meaning and make a hell of alot of sense.

 :wink:  :wink:  :wink:

Singer:
Hi Screamer,

I agree with what everyone has said so well.  Just thought I’d throw in my 2 cents.

It seems like you might be labeling your need to protect your children as selfishness, which as the others have pointed out is just not so.  Or thinking that it’s selfish to shield your children if as a result you also benefit.

But there’s something out of balance. Ideally a child would have a right to expect to be protected, need to be protected. You protecting your children would satisfy that need. But there’s also an expectation that our parents deserve our respect and that we have a duty towards them. And the fact that your mother didn’t balance the equation by protecting you doesn’t seem to alter the expectation that you somehow still owe her. The two sides don’t match, and the end result is guilt which is free-floating and just waiting for a place to land.  Doesn’t make sense, but there you have it.

So I think “Am I Truly This Selfish?” is the wrong question. I’d suggest something more like “What Am I Supposed To Do With This Stupid Self-Defeating Guilt That I Feel For No Damned Reason?”, or something along those lines.

Best wishes on the move.

Singer

les:
Screamer - reading your posts takes me back to being pregnant with my first born. My Nmother was so jealous. It was an extremely stressful time and I really wonder if the uterine environment was a bit toxic because of this. It seems to be common wisdom now that excessive stress and anxiety in the mother can be felt by the babe. So here is the first reason to make sure you have all the emotional distance YOU NEED from your mother. My baby was 2  weeks over due - this happens of course, but at that point I was seeing a therapist because of my mother and I remember saying that there was no room for this baby to be born - my mother was right there at the gate in some insane jealous baby rage. She came to visit at the hospital and  it was all about her. She was in a snit, pursed lips, tight smile.  I sometimes ask my husband for a reality check on this and he says yes indeed she was pissed off and we have the "grandma with new grandchild" pictures to prove it! Perhaps your mother isn't nuts in this way but by the effect she has on you I think she is as toxic as a burning chemical dump.

That said - I wonder and I know this is controversial - is it possible, since you are so aware in some ways at this point, to set up really good boundaries, codes of behaviour, whatever it takes, a bit like tough love for teens and let her in a bit if she behaves. I honestly don't know if that works since I came to understanding all this too late to protect my children and now with much grief I understand that they truly needed protection. Now as adults, we are talking through some of the damage "grandma" (although she wanted to be called GG or maybe or this or should I be called this or this blah blah) did.

All the strength and courage of a mother lion, I wish for you,

Les

les:
Screamer - reading your posts takes me back to being pregnant with my first born. My Nmother was so jealous. It was an extremely stressful time and I really wonder if the uterine environment was a bit toxic because of this. It seems to be common wisdom now that excessive stress and anxiety in the mother can be felt by the babe. So here is the first reason to make sure you have all the emotional distance YOU NEED from your mother. My baby was 2  weeks over due - this happens of course, but at that point I was seeing a therapist because of my mother and I remember saying that there was no room for this baby to be born - my mother was right there at the gate in some insane jealous baby rage. She came to visit at the hospital and  it was all about her. She was in a snit, pursed lips, tight smile.  I sometimes ask my husband for a reality check on this and he says yes indeed she was pissed off and we have the "grandma with new grandchild" pictures to prove it! Perhaps your mother isn't nuts in this way but by the effect she has on you I think she is as toxic as a burning chemical dump.

That said - I wonder and I know this is controversial - is it possible, since you are so aware in some ways at this point, to set up really good boundaries, codes of behaviour, whatever it takes, a bit like tough love for teens and let her in a bit if she behaves. I honestly don't know if that works since I came to understanding all this too late to protect my children and now with much grief I understand that they truly needed protection. Now as adults, we are talking through some of the damage "grandma" (although she wanted to be called GG or maybe or this or should I be called this or this blah blah) did.

All the strength and courage of a mother lion, I wish for you,

Les

Michelle:
Oh Screamer -

If you have any question about how important this topic is, any question at all, just look at all the responses you've gotten so far.  That should answer your question beyond the shadow of a doubt.

I can give you a reality check of the potential future that your children will have IF your NMother should be allowed back into the picture.  Before I ended contact with my NMother, she was on the prowl with my daughter (then 2 years old) and son (I was pregnant with him at that time).  She came to visit two times since we moved back to the U.S. (we had been stationed overseas for a few years).  Both times she would smother my daughter with her demands and unrealistic desires....here are a few (just a few, mind you) of the sickening things I remember her saying:

*  Is mamaw your very best friend?  Tell mamaw she's your very best friend!
*  I have to leave in a week.  Are you going to cry your eyes out?  Are you going to miss mamaw?  Don't you wish I could live with you so I would never have to leave?   :shock:
*  You can't go out and play with your friends because mamaw is visiting and you love her more than them.
*  I know your mommy said no candy but mamaw is the boss of her so you can have some.  
*  You don't have to go to bed yet because mamaw is here so you can stay up until I say so (when we told her it was time to go to bed).
*  I don't feel like playing right now, come sit by me and watch tv.  Mamaw needs you right beside me.
*  Is mamaw pretty?  You should tell mamaw she's pretty when she gets ready in the morning.

I am not exaggerating on this topic.  They were very eye opening and really helped me begin to see the severity of my reality with her.  Especially where the disrespect was thrown in (when she thought she could override my husband and my decisions regarding our child).  Of course, we told her point blank that it was unacceptable to disrespect us in front of our child.  She chose not to listen and so it was a few weeks later that I entered counseling and since then have cut her off completely.

Please do not expose your child or other future children to that behavior.  Take all the pain from growing up and multiply it for them.  Would you really want your child to experience that suffering?  I don't think you would.  

I still occasionally feel the guilt that comes along with my decisions....my children never getting to know my mother, etc.  I am at the point now to realize that  she is not worth knowing.  Is that sad?  Yes!!!!!  But is it my fault?  No!!!!!  And it is not my problem anymore either.  Since I have been "reparenting" myself (retraining my behaviors, thoughts to more healthy ones), I have had a much increased self esteem and realized that this is one of the most loving decisions I could make for my family.  I wish the same for you.

Lots of loving hugs and support,
Michelle

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