Or you just cannot stand certain people?

[Lupita]

Or you just cannot stand certain people?
 That question made by Overcomer, really hit me. Thank you overcomer.
I have run away all my life. Always because I could not stand certain people. Well, I am tired of running, I have to stay, and settled down. I have to deal with the fear that people like my mother provoke in me. I cannot keep running. Have no energy left, I have to stay and deal with this. Every time I find people like my mother, I run away, I move, find another job. I need to create a peaceful environment for me. To create segnority in a job. I have never worked more that six years in the same job. I find somebody like my mother and I have to run. I have somebody like my mother and I paralyze. I need to deal with this. I don’t know how, but I have to learn to deal with people like my mother and feel well. I do not need to run away because  of people like my mother, because I am going to find people like my mother all over the world, where ever I go. I need to detach, to not feel fear when people tell me something like my mother. Not to run. I will be very lonely if I keep running. I need to make friends, and have old friends. I cannot have old friends because I do not stay enough in a place. I need to accept the person with out feeling overwhelmed. How? I don’t know, maybe by flooding.

[Overcomer]

I tend to run too.  I have been trying to get away from my mom for years.  Trying to find a new job.

[Lupita]

It not even funny OC, you stay, probably because you feel trapped. I run away until I have no energy.
Both of us are worng, mistaken, confused. You might need to be free. I need to stop running and deal with my fears. i cannot keep running everytime I find somebody like my mother. That is ending my life.
Thank you for your idea OC. God bless you.

[Certain Hope]

Lupita, I understand.

There are people who drive me to distraction, as well... if I let it happen.

I think you're right about flooding, maybe... and mostly, just planting your feet and refusing to run this time.
Keep talking about it, just as you are.
It'll all be okay, really it will... you have great determination and power of will.
And Lupita... pray, pray, pray, as I am sure you do, that you will receive the wisdom from above to stand.

Love,
Carolyn

[Lupita]

Thank you CH for your comforting words. Flooding. I would need somebody to be the advocate of the devle. To practice with me. Like refuting ideas, like in cognitive therapy. That would be awesome. I guess I will have to save some money in the future to pay for a therapist to do that. Flooding.
Do you know of a book about that? Have you read about it?
Thanks ofr your response.

[Leah]

Lupita,

I just googled "Emotional Flooding" and came up with .....

A special emphasis is placed on Gottman's concept of "emotional flooding" in which we become overwhelmed with anger, fear, hurt, sadness, or shame, and literally drown in the intensity of our own feelings, and then damage our relationships. Ways to enrich relationships and to emphasize appreciation are also a key part of these tapes.


There was more down the list to choose from.

Love, Leah

[Lupita]

Thank you Lea, that is very kind of you. I will ckeck it.

[Certain Hope]

Lupita,

I remember searching for info on flooding many months ago, and finding very little reference. As Leah says, Google is the tool I use, and I do recall only the barest minimum in search results, including the quote which she's posted here.

As I began to choose to look more deeply into my feelings and try to see what was buried beneath the all-over-upset feeling which many people inspired in me (many, many, many people did this) I found alot of the answers.

There's no money for cognitive therapy in my budget, so I use the Bible now.
I ask God to search my heart and show me what's going on. Why am I upset.
Then I ask Him to show me in His Word how to deal with it.
Sometimes I receive the wisdom, sometimes I reject it, out of my own strong will.
Sometimes, I learn to walk away from a person who is truly not a positive influence and will only drain me dry.
Other times, I learn to see the person through new eyes and then she/he does not aggravate me anymore!

So, that is my version of free cognitive therapy.

Love,
Carolyn

[Lupita]

That sounds very wise. I dont know if i can do it on my own. The feelings are uncontrolable, and that is why I feel so awful. But, I have to try something.
It seems that you have done a very good job.

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

Mine is the same as Carolyn's.

Even with a therapist, you still have to do the work.  (I did have a counsellor, few years back, in the shock and fog stage).

Love & a Hug,

Leah

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lupita,

You really have been doing it on your own, to a great extent... simply by talking out your feelings on the board.
That's alot more than I could do, when I felt so overwhelmed by agitation and annoyance.

You put out your feelings so bravely... I admire that.  At first, I found it shocking, until I realized that I often feel the same way... just hadn't been able to express it. So I thank you for your open-ness!

There is a point when the "talking out" becomes a "talking through", and you will find yourself coming out the other side, more than not. Seems to me that you are there, now... ready to come out on the other side.

I am doing much better, but mostly what I think you notice is a difference in personality styles. What's repressed in me can do just as much damage as what's tormenting you... and I know it. So... we are in the same boat, I know. And the main thing is, we don't want to be paddling around in circles, right? 

Love to you,
Carolyn

[axa]

Or you just cannot stand certain people?
 That question made by Overcomer, really hit me. Thank you overcomer.
I have run away all my life. Always because I could not stand certain people. Well, I am tired of running, I have to stay, and settled down. I have to deal with the fear that people like my mother provoke in me. I cannot keep running. Have no energy left, I have to stay and deal with this. Every time I find people like my mother, I run away, I move, find another job. I need to create a peaceful environment for me. To create segnority in a job. I have never worked more that six years in the same job. I find somebody like my mother and I have to run. I have somebody like my mother and I paralyze. I need to deal with this. I don’t know how, but I have to learn to deal with people like my mother and feel well. I do not need to run away because  of people like my mother, because I am going to find people like my mother all over the world, where ever I go. I need to detach, to not feel fear when people tell me something like my mother. Not to run. I will be very lonely if I keep running. I need to make friends, and have old friends. I cannot have old friends because I do not stay enough in a place. I need to accept the person with out feeling overwhelmed. How? I don’t know, maybe by flooding.


Dear Lup,

I understand the running.  I have come to learn that this pattern is exhausting.  I am beginning to set my feet down and claim my space in some way.  I don't want to run anymore.  I know I have confronted conflict in the past six months in ways I never would have before.  I just got plain sick of running, hiding, hoping things will change.  It is very empowering when you stand your ground.  I do hope that you will set your good roots down, you deserve a rest.

much hugs,

axa

[Hermes]

Dear Lupita:

Just a note to wish you the best, and that you will find peace.

¡Cuidate mucho!

Hermes

[Leah]

Lupita, also this re:

Emotional Flooding ~  energy and emotions.
 
Signs and Symptoms:

Impulsivity:   Doing or saying things without considering the consequences.   Making decisions - before thinking about all of the information.

Feelings or behaviors come on too strong and/or too fast:   Feelings come to the surface and are hard to hold back.   Reacting to small things with too much emotion.   Talking too loud or too fast when the topic is emotional.   

Irritable and Easily Frustrated:   Hard to forget even the small irritations.   Brooding.   

Emotional Flooding:   Can become easily overwhelmed when feeling challenged socially or cognitively.   Mind "goes blank."   Once flooded, it is temporarily impossible to think clearly or act purposefully.
 

What helps:

Use this sequence "Stop, Think, Act, and Evaluate" and analyze how they did afterward

Be direct in response to inappropriate behaviors (i.e. interruptions, inappropriate remarks, tone of voice, facial expressions)

Have a relaxation strategy

In a tactful way, let the person know how they are coming across (i.e. "when you say I do this, it makes me feel.").

Verify what was really seen, heard, or felt, to know if your feelings and emotions are justified

Encourage use of breaks to relax, calm down, and re-attempt communication when ready
 
Excuse self from current situation if too upset

"SAVE" strategy (Stop, Ask, Verify, Evaluate)

[Certain Hope]

ooo... that is really very good, Leah!

I did not often speak impulsively, because of past voicelessness... but the impulsive thinking methods and often the doing, too... they surely got me into plenty of pickles. And oh, do I ever identify with the mind "going blank" part of it. Nearly everything overwhelmed me.

But there's another sort of flooding to which I think Lupita was referring...
as in a technique for overcoming certain issues/personality quirks/whatever which we find distressing...
more like aversion therapy, only in reverse...
where you choose willingly to over-expose yourself to something which triggers strong reactions in you, so as to develop a tolerance for it. A risky business, no doubt, but maybe helpful in some situations?

Love,
Carolyn