Lies versus Truth

[Ami]

Lies are what killed my son. I know that I have told myself so many lies about my own value that I am 'lost" in the lies. I am coming out ,now, slowly.
 My son was nothing like the 'lies" he told himself. Many of our pains,on the board, are from lies we tell ourselves about our value.
 I am commited to rooting put those lies--one by one.Scott's  view of himself bore no resemblance to the truth of who he was. Lies  are so deadly for all of us--not just s/one who paid the ultimate price .
 We ,all, are suffering when we believe the lies that we have to be 'perfect", that we are 'bad"(shame) and so many others.
 That is my commitment ,on the board, now.
  Just as the board helped me to see the truth of my N M, now ,I want to face the lies.
  Thank you for being the most wonderful group of "real" friends.      Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

GOOD.

I'm glad, Ami.

This is the worst kind of wakeup call, but waking up is the ultimate answer.

with love,
Hops

[Ami]

Hops,Please explain what you mean,more specifically,if you could. Also, thank you so much for your very kind  and gracious words,Hops.
                            Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

You are experiencing an inner revolt against lies.
The lies you believed about yourself.
The lies he believed about himself.

You are beginning to actually not believe them.
(Not just in your mind, but in your experience.)
You are older and stronger than he was, so you are not going to follow him.

You are beginning to EXPERIENCE them as unreal.
Lies are unreal.

I am very sorry for how painful that is...your loss of your precious son and the literal sensation of your awakening to reality.

You are awakening to something that is ultimately GOOD reality, that lies are untrue.
But imo this awakening is terribly painful. Like giving birth for months.

Scott's death is a trigger for you to awaken the rest of the way--and it is as unstoppable as birth.
Like the "shock of awakening", that lies kill. They don't just depress or upset, they kill.

I hope that makes some sense but please compost it if it doesn't...

with compassion,
Hops

[Ami]

I am really, really having a hard time ,today. This is going to sound dumb,but I don't care.Hiding is what caused my son to kill ,himself, having to be "prefect"--all lies.
  I am overwhelmed with people ,in my space. My parents are here. I have "issues' with them,as you know. I am exhausted that they are "in my space"---all the issues, all the history.
  Then,people want to come over and I feel like I have to be "on". I had issues with people pleasing and approval seeking, as it was. After this type of "shock, who the hell has the resources to muster up 'social skills" when they wanted to run and hide BEFORE this happened?(LOL)
  I see that many people are simply helping me and I am a big blob ,sitting in the middle(LOL). I feel guilty for being a non-involved blob, but I see the hand of God in it  simply helping me and doing what I cannot do(and could not do EVEN before this).
 I feel ashamed that I am so non functional. I was non functional before this, so you can imagine HOW nonfunctional I am ,now.(lol)
 So, people are making plans to have food at my house. They are doing it for me---my M, friends.
   Tonight, people are coming over. I feel like it is a 'party" ,in a sense, when  *I* have to help other people.I feel overwhelmed with feeling like *I* have to help other people. As I write this,I know I am "off",but I could use some help with my thinking.
  I am just so,so tired. I know that other people have been here.
  I see that the shame I have inside is coming out ,once again  to bite me on the ass, so to speak. I am speaking up b/c to be  so perfect that it killed him. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.       Love    Ami

((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  Thank you so ,very much. That really, really helped. I want to tell you what just happened.
   A neighbor just came over. I did not know her,but Scott went to hgh school with her D.What was funny was she was dressed in a cute little  cashmere sweater with pearls and pearl earring, high heels and cute pants.
  I didn't expect anyone ,so I was in ripped pants and two sweaters put on over each other. I had to laugh ,inside.
  We had the best talk, though, and it was an incredible blessing that she came over.
   I am so "real" and raw ,now, that I thought maybe I was being too open.I felt a little weird,like maybe I was being too real..However, she opened up and  told me how she struggles with all the same feelings that I am discussing now--trying to be perfect, etc.
 She said that her D and her friends do ,too.
   She told me that she struggles, daily, with the same thing and that she has had periods of depression, when she had to take medication.
  She has the same religious views that I have and told me that when s/one close to her died, she had senses ,at times, that the person was there.
 Also, I have a joy,inside, that Scott  is in Heaven and I feel very happy, right now. The neighbor told me to be prepared for more grief , which I should be. She is right.
  I am just totally exhausted, which must be normal, too. Thank you for responding. This board is  a lifeline for me . It is a place where I can be real and I need to be.  Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I feel ashamed that I am so non functional.

When you feel the shame I want you to stand outside of yourself and see yourself as someone else.  You would not allow that person to feel ashamed.  That is a false message that you picked up from someone who meant you harm.

I feel guilty for being a non-involved blob,

I feel ashamed that I am so non functional. I was non functional before this, so you can imagine HOW nonfunctional I am ,now.

I have been non-functional now for 5 years but as I have worked to overcome it I realized that the first and most important step was to let go of my shame for being non-functional.  I knew that it was the shame itself that bound me.  I am still bound but only by a string now.  Each and every time I feel the shame I denounce it, call it false and search for another feeling to replace it.

Noone, not here and not in your home or your city expects you to function now - noone except you.  You must put that shame aside.  You don't deserve it, you never did.  You deserve peace.  Only be letting go of the shame can you find peace.  Christ longs for you to have peace - the peace that surpasses understanding.  You must be willing to let go of your shame.  Noone expects you to function now.  Don't expect it of yourself.

With love - from someone bound by shame and non-functional.  - Gaining Strength

I chose to let go of my shame in soladarity with you, my dear Ami.

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

Letting go:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7


Love, Leah


Proverbs 3:5  ~  Trust in the LORD with all your heart.  And do not lean on your own understanding.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
   I am so glad that you are back on the board. You have given me SO much comfort. You really understand what I am going through,GS.
  Now, I CAN be nonfunctional, but before I was ,anyway..However, that is neither here nor there, as you were  saying. I could not help it ,before,so what can I do? I was 'sick" with lies, like s/one is sick with some other disease. I did not chose it. I accomodated myself ,so I could still keep living.
  I have a new understanding of emotional illness. I really do. You can't help it, at some point. You are lost and treading water to simply stay afloat.
  Thank you for your supportive words, GS--so much.       Love   Ami

[Ami]

Thank you ,Leah!.
 I feel like a very poor servant of God's, but I guess we ALL are--right? Thank you for your comforting words, Leah.   Love   Ami

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

Yes, indeed, we are all, to be, humble servants, serving only Him, as He is a jealous God [exodus 20:4-5] and, truly blessed are the poor in spirit.

As a fellow new creation in Christ, born anew by God's Spirit, as in the gospel of John.

The Beatitudes, when Jesus taught us ...

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,
      for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,
      for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
      for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,
      for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,
      for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
      for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven,
for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.


Matthew 5:1-12




My heart is always filled with joy, peace, and hope, by The Beatitudes.

Love, Leah




http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5870.0

[Leah]

Dear (((( Ami ))))

As I was praying earlier on:  Galatians 5:1

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free"


Christ came to break the chains and set the captives free.


Love, Leah

[Hopalong]

I'm glad it helped, Ami.
I was afraid it was too raw.
I'm grateful you understood.

Imagine June Cleaver, speechless, in a dirty housecoat, sitting on the couch in the middle of a cocktail party.

It's okay, hon.
Deep inside, let it go...permission to grieve, M'am?

Permission, give permission...

love and comfort,
Hops

[Ami]

I feel like I have been traveling for days and days ,and it  is not over. I have to trust that God WILL take care of me ,tomorrow.
  I have to trust that I won't fall apart and if I do, it will be OK.
  It is so scary HOW far down your thoughts can take you--little by little ---until you can see no truth, whatsoever. My son was  loved by his classmates . I think that we will have so many kids there .
 How can we get SO far from reality? That  is  my angst ---the lies.I believed all the lies, too. I ,STILL, believe them,but it is   less.
  God prepared me for this by sending me a best friend who loved me  and helped me to  love  myself.                                                                                                                                                         Please pray for me b/c the funeral is tomorrow.                Love   Ami
 
   
 

[Sela]

Dear Ami,

I bet it feels like a bad dream.  I will keep praying for you.  Tomorrow will be over soon.

(((((((((Ami))))))))

Sela