Lies versus Truth

[Ami]

Thank you, Sela! Those words mean a lot.
  I just have to write down my feelings. I feel so much shame . I know that Scott is in Heaven. I have a peace about this. Tomorrow,I may lose it  when I see all the kids, teachers , etc.. I feel a "shame " about how I will handle it. Will I freak out and run out of the room?. Will I get sick? What will I do ,in front of a roomful of people to "humiliate " myself?I don't know and I feel afraid.It may sound silly and BE silly,but this is how I feel.
However,I do have a "joy" about Scott . Today, my neighbor told me that Scott was God's kid more than mine and God could love him MUCH better than I could and God was doing it right,now.
  I really just want everyone to go AWAY  so I can grieve. I want to sit in his room ,with his things and cry,finally, without thinking that people are looking at me or I have to hold it in ,or anything ,really. I don't want to be looked at and this is "shame". I just want to go in to a dark hole and be alone.The problem is I wanted to go in a dark hole and be alone BEFORE this happened, too.
  This sounds bad ,but I feel so afraid of people looking at me tomorrow .
  I know that people will be looking at me and wondering what I will do--collapse, etc.
  I feel so much shame about caring so much and so much shame ,in general, about being "looked at". I am just saying it b/c I neeed to put ,my emotions ,out there( the opposite of shame)
  I really see that I am 'coreless" in the way that I feel defined by the outside. I get stomach aches when I feel coreless, as I do now,in anticipation of going to the funeral.
  My own issues are tormenting me ,tonight. I guess it is normal to not "want to be seen", especially if you are full of shame ,to begin with.
  If my friend had not helped me to get rid of SOME of the shame, I think that I could not handle any of this, as well as I am.one of my friends said that he would drive me home,if I needed it.
  I equate "people" with feeling shame. There may be hundreds of people ,tomorrow. We have lived in the same place for over 20 years--a relatively small place..I am just dreading being "looked at', even though this sounds selfish and horrible to say. I am. That is the truth of it.
   I wish that I could write enough to feel better,but I can't.
   If any of this sounds 'off', I am open to suggestions.i know that I may sound a little demented. I feel that way,so I bet that I sound that way, too. Maybe if Scott was willing to "look bad" as I am, he could have stayed alive.
  So, honestly, loving suggestions are very welcome.        Ami

[Hopalong]

There is beauty in being who you are in the moment you are in feeling the feelings you are feeling.

Tomorrow is not a performance.
You owe nobody any image, any act.

You are just his mother, sitting in a room full of love and sorrow.

You will be all right if you allow yourself to be.

There is no wrong way to behave.
That's another lie.

Just be, with yourself, and with him.
Let your heart open and break and if you weep, you weep.

No grieving mother's sobs have ever harmed anyone.

with love to your heart,
Hops

[Leah]

Dear ((((( Ami )))))

Hops has expressed beautifully, how you can just allow yourself to, be.

All those thoughts are from the outside, they come from people on the outside.

Just be you, from your inside, a grieving mother, which is a good place to be.

Be serene, gently allowing yourself to be.

Just as you are right now.

Which is more than okay ~ you don't have to 'perform' for anyone.

Thinking of you, and praying for you.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thank you Hops, Leah and Amber,
  Your words and advice helped so much. I needed to talk about all the pain and shame that was in my head , and I was hoping that I would get words of advice,such as yours.
   I really  needed them,in order to get through. Thank you so very much .You don't know HOW much you helped me . Love ,     Ami

[Ami]

Facing my own selfishness is such a bite. However, MY selfishness is everyone's selfishness,I think. That is what Scott did not know. I did not know it before, either.Also,when you get expressions of love , the people giving them don't have to be perfect. My dog got away(and is still out) and my F went out to find her. That was an expression of love. My M staying next to me this whole time was an expression of love.
  You have to embrace all of yourself and only then can you give ,well, I think. It is a paradox,like most of life wisdom. You HAVE to be selfish in order to be giving .Any thoughts on this  would be greatly appreciated.       Love   Ami
                                                                                 

[Gaining Strength]

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."  says to me that I must love myself first in order to be able to love my neighbors. 

If we hate ourselves then we have no love to give.  You are getting it.  This is Scott's gift to you dear Ami.  My love to you - GS

[Hermes]

Yes, Ami, it is vitally important to love yourself first, to be utterly kind to yourself. 
And you know, actions do speak louder than words.  Some people are not too good with words, simply because they are not good with words.  But they express their love, compassion and kindness in good deeds, in even small acts of helpfulness.


I greatly sympathise with you and what you are going through in these dark days. 

Best wishes
Hermes

[Ami]

Dear GS                                                                                                                                                                                    Your words are such a balm to me, GS. I am so glad that you are back on the board. You did not feel "significant" as a board member, a short time ago. Now, look how much you touched s/one else. Your loss of your H was very mich like the loss of my son. Also, you were very much like me.
  Knowing you are there is a comfort to me, GS
   I still am very numb. Last night, we had a group of people here. They all had tragedies which they shared. I realized that I had been in a little "hole" thinking that *I* cornered the market on tragedy and I have not. I have been in a fantasy world,hating my M. My M has been SO kind to me that I have to let all the pain from her go. She only wants  to give me love and comfort. It is amazing. How can I hold a grudge? She was "underwater' ,as *I*was and as Scott was.
  I have had a long painful marriage. My H said that he would give me a divorce and not 'screw" me, if I wanted it. Right now, I just want to heal(to cry, really),but I know that life will hold promise for me.
  I will take this tragedy the way I took the "Janet" thread. I grew and I learned and nothing was the same ,after that. Scott would want me to be happy. He would want me to exorcise the demons that he could not.
  I feel guilty for living,but that must be normal. I want to exercise today,but feel guilty. That must be normal.
  I had another sense of God's presence ,last night.I had a long standing question answered,in  a flash.
 I  feel more centered ,now.
  I will share a small supernatural experience. I called T Mobile b/c I had a problem with my phone. I must have sounded weird b/c they guy said,"It is OK, Ma'am."I said,"I just had a death in the family and so, I don't sound right."
 Then, I told him that it was Scott. He said that his F committed suicide when he was 11 and he always held himself responsible.
 So, it was a little miracle to connect with him.
 I see that my life can open up ,now. I have an opportunity to grow OR recede. I will grow b/c Scott loved me and would only want good for me. I failed him, but our love for each other was always ,there,until the last moment. I could not "short circuit" the lies and distortions . He let them in,as we all do, but they took him the extra step down.
  The fact that he knew God is what keeps me going.He would not want me to go backwards ,in to the dark.So, I feel like I do have life to live and love to give and recieve.
  I wish I could cry. I wish I could feel.I guess I have to trust that I will cry when I can.
 Thanks for all the sweet responses and love that has come my way. For me, the board has been a life of it's own.It has taken me from  giving up  to  hope. I have experienced most everything in this "crazy" place. I love it, through all the ups and downs. I just "fit" in ,here.. I have made wonderful , true friends. It was and is a gift from God. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.            Love   Ami

[Ami]

Thank you ,Hermes.
Your post was very helpful.     Love   Ami

[Ami]

Amber. you have a lot of wisdom.                                                                                                                                              Thank you so very much .              Love ,  Ami

[Mati]

Ami, about not crying. I didn't either. It was because I am so messed up.

[Gabben]

Dear (((Ami))),

As I read your posts I was taken back with how honest, real and aware you are. You are so strong and have moved through so much healing in your life -- God did not bring you this far to leave you hanging.

With much love -- in my thoughts and prayers,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 THIS is an opportunity to chose life or death. One person dying is enough. Thank you for your kind words and MOST especially your friendship. I love you, Lise.        Ami

[Gaining Strength]

                                                                                                                                                                                 

Your words are such a balm to me, GS. I am so glad that you are back on the board.

I came back for you dear Ami.  I came back to be there for you at this terrible time in your life, at this terrible loss.

  I feel guilty for living,but that must be normal. I want to exercise today,but feel guilty. That must be normal.

It is normal.  It is incorrect - you are not guilty - but it is normal to feel guilty.  I hope when you feel this you will simply remind yourself that it is incorrect - that you feel guilty but you really aren't responsible even if it feels as though you are.
 

[Ami]

THANK YOU, GS------so much!                               Love   Ami