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Settling & Rationalizing

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BlueTopaz:
Hi Group:

I am a several months out of a 5 year relationship with an N.

Though I would not wish to relive the experience, I am at least grateful regarding how much I learned about myself and “life” from it.   Learned through a lot of deep pain, as is a given when spending time in the company of an N.

Looking forward to eventually dating someone new, I am finding myself confused over something.

I settled a lot in the relationship with N.   Meaning, I turned a blind eye to red flags that  I knew where red flags at the time, I took emotional treatment from him that I would never give the advice for another to take from someone, I kept going back when I should not have, etc…    

I did these things because I did not want the “dream/fantasy” of him being “the one”, to die.    He had a great side, and a "him" that would have existed without the Nism would have truly been a great match for me.   This, plus the intermittent reinforcement he would give (approach-avoidance) reeled me in too many times.

Now I am confused regarding what is settling, versus what is something I should not accept and move on.    Outright abuse as well as some other things I have learned to watch for from N are obvious, but for example, I recently began chatting with someone who has a high-ish profile in sports.    

I began to think “do I really want someone where most of the conversation and life focus and planning will need to be on them, and their career to such a large degree”?      

Then, I begin to rationalize and think about all of the positive aspects: I exercise regularly as well, it would be exciting to a degree, etc.

I apologize because I don’t think I’m being clear here.   I’m having difficulty explaining what my question is for some reason.    

My concern, is that I will spot things that might be red flags, and keep rationalizing them away.    The crux of things is that I’m not sure when rationalizing would be legit and a good thing (because I’m being too picky & should really move forward with the person), and when rationalizing is just is me settling and ignoring red flags (where I shouldn't move forward), in hope of it being a loving and “right” relationship.

Any thoughts…  if anyone understood what the heck I’m asking :wink:

Dawning:
BlueTopaz,

I think I understand.  I can certainly relate.  I've just come out of a 7 year relationship with someone where I did the same thing....rationalized that he was *the one.*  It is a topsy-turvy time.  My advice is to stay grounded and focus on what you want for yourself.  What are your dreams?  Reach for the stars but keep your feet on the ground.   That it has taken me this long to realize how important that is boggles my mind but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, you've met someone else.  Be true to yourself and your feelings and talk about what those feelings are to him before you jump into anything too quickly.  

For those of us brought up around N's...and I don't know if this applies to you...we get programmed as children that our needs are not as important as the N's and, well, in my case I suppressed my needs for half my life.  It is not fair to you or the person(s) in your life who might want to love you for just being you.  Take it slow and give in measured doses.

BlueTopaz:
Hi Dawing,

Thanks a lot for your reply.  

I wasn't brought up with an N parent, but with a parent with an anxiety disorder, and this certainly had a large effect upon me.

I had developed into someone that felt invisible, uheard, unimportant,  and had always focused more on others needs as well.  

I am on the healing path from these things now.  In the heart of the process, and have healed very well in some areas, and some are still quite a work in progress.

Your message helped me to clarify my thoughts, and I realize that this person is not going to be a good match for me.    We had only started talking with the "hint/air" of possibly dating.   So, it was nothing serious.

I'm not going to pursue it as I don't feel it is a lifestyle fit.

Thanks so much for reminding me to think most about what
I truly want.  :)

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: BlueTopaz ---The crux of things is that I’m not sure when rationalizing would be legit and a good thing (because I’m being too picky & should really move forward with the person), and when rationalizing is just is me settling and ignoring red flags (where I shouldn't move forward), in hope of it being a loving and “right” relationship.
--- End quote ---


If you observe yourself rationalizing, 99.9% of the time it means you are ignoring red flags.

For excellent advice on avoiding bad relationships, read "Are You The One For Me?" by Barbara de Angelis.

bunny

BlueTopaz:
Thanks Bunny.   Very good food for thought.    

I had more time to think about what I was so confused about.

Do you have any thoughts on what the difference between empathy and rationalizing is?    Knowing the difference is what seems to confuse me.  

Honestly, I would have no idea whether I was being rightfully empathetic of certain behaviors (i.e. taking his history, known vulnerabilities, fears into account)  or mistakenly rationalizing behaviors that I should be upset over.   :?  

Maybe the duration of the behaviors has something to do with it?  For instance, it might be rightful empathy in the first little while, but if it keeps occuring after discussion about it, and my kind support, it becomes rationalizing if I continue to put up with it.

Anyway, if you have any other thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

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