Punishing Myself

[Ami]

I have bared my soul on many occassions(lol). Now, I see deeper patterns, as a result of my son's death.
Last night, I had an interaction with my M that showed me deeper patterns that have been longstanding.
 My M really hurt me last night. *I*,in turn, really "punished" myself b/c I was angry at HER. This is my pattern----when I get angry at s/one(M,H),I punish MYSELF. Last night, I just kept eating and eating too much and then I had a stomach ache ,all night long. I see that I take IN  anger,as a way to deal with it---UUGGH!I hate to write about this b/c I feel embarrassed and shamed,BUT I have to live and that means be "real". So, I am sharing this for myself. If anyone relates  to punishing yourself as a way to deal with emotion,it would be wonderful. If not ,just sharing it is enough  .                                       Ami                 

 
 

[Gabben]

Hi Ami --

Just literally a second ago I was sitting here telling myself - I am sick of hurting me to get back at them...no more!

It is that old victim anger...so I re-posted my old threads on "victim anger"...this stuff keeps coming up until we get fed up and say no more...I love me and I want to love others....enough is enough...(easier said than done )

Hugs my dear friend.

Lise

[Ami]

You guys are the best. I really needed some support.Thank you Lollie, Lise and  Amber.
 I know where I want to go----have my core,but s/times I feel like I am  back pedaling---bleh. Usually ,some outside, intervention(person, situation) will show me the error of my ways. Then, I will  try to turn around and try to go in the other direction.
  Last night, my M said s/thing disparaging about a relationship that is very important to me. I got so angry at her that I hurt myself(lol).
 Then,I saw the larger pattern that I have been doing this same thing  since I was in my teens.(hurting myself as a way to express anger at her .)
 THEN, on top of it,I think that I have to leave my H, at some point. I have to get strong, first. He can't help his FOO patterns,but as my friend John used to say,'He ain't even on the highway. He is on the side of the road in a ditch(lol). .
 So, I see all of this ,now, and I am so exhausted from everything.
   Thanks for being there.        Love,   Ami

PS I like the 500 times thing----it is ,at least, s/thing to shoot for (lol)

[Ami]

Thank You, Amber, very much. It sounds like a very helpful book that I should pick up.      Ami

[Gabben]

My tai chi teacher says it takes 500 repetitions for a new posture to feel natural; the same is true of our mental/emotional habits I think.

Only 500? 

That is a lot of mental exercise...

In AA the second step says..."God will restore us to sanity."  Over the years I found myself exhausted or overwhelmed with the amount thoughts that needed changing and the old ideas that needed to be cast out. But I have found that the second step of AA is really true...if we just turn out thoughts over to God and trust him - as we say look at ourselves first, act in the right mannor, trust God and then relax and look for others to help or ways to get out of ourselves then God can come in and fix what needs to be fixed in our psyche.

A woman once told me that when we are self absorbed we leave no room for God to come in and fix us. But when we watch a movie or read a book or focus on listening to someone else God has a chance to heal us....and restore us to sanity, change our thinking for us...

We don't need to exercise our thoughts we need to exercise our hearts for love and courage.

Lise

[Ami]

WOW Lise,
 You are saying that we "surrender 'RATHER than "try"--right?  That makes sense to me,Lise. I am trying to let go, rather than surrender. There is a big difference,Lise.                           Love,      Ami

[Ami]

 I had another clue as to  why I  punish myself.  I am punishing myself for not being "perfect".
 I used to be able to   be mediocre . What I valued MOST  was being  connected to myself . . If I felt s/thing  "unacceptable", I figured that others did ,too.
  Now,I see how I could be victimized. I had to hate myself ,first.
 I let myself AND other people take my  imperfect traits  and beat me over the head with them.
  Scott had so many gifts,but he was not perfect.  He thought he was "boring" even though he had so  many friends who loved him. I read a letter that a girl  wrote to him. She said,
WHY, Scott?Coldn't you have told anyone how you felt?"
   He couldn't be perfect.----so many  lies and distortions.                     
   I hated myself and turned on myself b/c I thought I was "bad. It was human.It is the stuff from which humor is made.  The definition of humor is that "life(human beings) simply does not work. It does not live up to our expectations.That is what becomes funny--the difference between what we expect and what is.
  My whole life was one of punishing myself---throwing meat to the gods b/c I was not perfect. It was pride all the time.
  I felt like I did not deserve to enjoy the things I love---music, nature, etc.
  I need to take in all the beauty ,now. I need to feed it to my senses b/c it is OK to do that. Nothing bad will happen,as  I thought it would.I was trying to keep s/thing "bad", at bay, by punishing myself. I don't know what exactly,but I was afraid to feel good, whole, confident, alive. I guess I was trying to hurt myself before my M did. Now, that pattern is over. My M wants the best for me, so why hang on to the old ,worn out patterns?
  If I love myself, the other "shoe" won't drop. If I nurture myself, the other shoe won't drop.
  It was all lies, and trying to control.  Can anyone relate to any of this?          Ami
 

 

[Ami]

 I guess it would be "normal" to feel like I should be "punished " for not being able to stop my son from killing himself. This must be a normal feeling.
  I look back and  see I how   let him down.This propels me to see how my M let me down, without realizing it. She did not "mean" to throw all her painful emotions on me,just as my own selfishness was part of Scott's demise. I was "trapped" in crazy thinking,like my M was. You look back and you "want" to blame ,to try to make "sense" of it. I guess that is why kids blame themselves. They want to make "sense" out of their family dynamics. If they blame themselves, at least ,it is not "out of control",in their minds. THEY are the problem and their is "some" answer, even if it is the wrong one.
                             Ami

[seasons]

I felt like I did not deserve to enjoy the things I love---music, nature, etc.
  I need to take in all the beauty ,now. I need to feed it to my senses b/c it is OK to do that. Nothing bad will happen,as  I thought it would.I was trying to keep s/thing "bad", at bay, by punishing myself. I don't know what exactly,but I was afraid to feel good, whole, confident, alive. I guess I was trying to hurt myself before my M did. Now, that pattern is over. My M wants the best for me, so why hang on to the old ,worn out patterns

Ami I so connect with this pattern. I believe I did and do this myself.

For example last night I felt worthy to be. Ami you were apart of helping me feel like I deserve to be ( thank you so much, you give me such hope)

I spent time with my dh, pushed myself to go.We had a wonderful time. Watched a movie with dd. Sat on oldest dd's bed with her sister and talked and laughed. Bought Hannah tickets for youngest one LOL. Made plans to go to a concert with my oldest d to see her favorite artist.

This may sound so trivial. It is HUGE for me when my FOO trys to destroy my presence of being. I will punish myself more and disengage from my own life.

I can't tell you how peaceful I felt as I layed in bed. The day before one of my FOO's I let get me. I wanted to pull the covers over my head, not be, not experience, don't exist so why bother. Not true, she convinces me so easily to surrender. Her power is greater than I thought, I need to work on this.
With your kindness I was able to reach deep down and find myself. So what if I'm not perfect, I'm capable to love and share and see the beauty.

As the beauty in your friendship. With love seasons

[Ami]

Seasons, My Goodness. What an outpouring of feeling. THANK YOU!                                                                                                             I am so happy for your breaking of the old, familiar pattern of lies and distortions. It is huge. Everytime ,we claim ourselves ,it is huge, Seasons.We are saying no to the 'dark side".
Please---keep sharing ,Seasons, you have so much to give.     Much Love To You,  Ami

((((((Seasons))))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

 

I felt like I did not deserve to enjoy the things I love---music, nature, etc.

My parents actually made sure that I did not have the things that I enjoyed.  I learned early on not to ask for the X-mas and birthday gifts that I really wanted because I would be sure to not have them.  If I didn't ask then I might (but never did) get them by chance.

On a level that I still cannot get to I lived into the treatment by my parents that I did not deserve the things that I wanted.  As I read this I see that in a way I have chosen to punish myself by denying myself any nice things to the point of not earning the money to provide them and not doing the work to make my home as nice as possible. 

Did your parents (especially N parents) teach you that you did not deserve?

I'm so glad you started this thread.  It is really causing me a struggle.  If I can see my situation as the result of "punishing myself" then I am empowered because I can learn to stop.  If I see it as an unconscious psychological force visited on my by my N parents then I am unable to do anything about that. 

Contrary to how I have seen my situation, your post calls me to make a shift - to stop punishing myself.    I have so much more to think about this.

[Ami]

I felt like I did not deserve to enjoy the things I love---music, nature, etc.

My parents actually made sure that I did not have the things that I enjoyed.  I learned early on not to ask for the X-mas and birthday gifts that I really wanted because I would be sure to not have them.  If I didn't ask then I might (but never did) get them by chance.

On a level that I still cannot get to I lived into the treatment by my parents that I did not deserve the things that I wanted.  As I read this I see that in a way I have chosen to punish myself by denying myself any nice things to the point of not earning the money to provide them and not doing the work to make my home as nice as possible. 

Did your parents (especially N parents) teach you that you did not deserve?

I'm so glad you started this thread.  It is really causing me a struggle.  If I can see my situation as the result of "punishing myself" then I am empowered because I can learn to stop.  If I see it as an unconscious psychological force visited on my by my N parents then I am unable to do anything about that. 

Contrary to how I have seen my situation, your post calls me to make a shift - to stop punishing myself.    I have so much more to think about this.

Dear GS,
  I am so glad that my pain is an impetus to you. It helps to see that one's pain does work for good for others.GS, I brought it out in to the open b/c when it is hidden  ,it seems more powerful. When it is in the light, it gets smaller and even can appear "silly".
 For me ,it was unconscious ,too. I saw that when I was angry at my M, I punished myself. I saw it, clearly on this trip.Now, I am taking the Scripture ,'Perfect Love casts out Fear" and going forward to get rid of fear.
  I think that all of our problems are probably fear based. Even shame is fear based b/c we are afraid to look foolish or be humiliated.
 So, I am serious about exorcising fear.I have lived a half a life for a long time.
  GS, I want to ask you s/thing. My body is so,so weary. Is this what happens after you are in shock? I would assume that it does, but it would help to hear your opinion.    Love   Ami
 

[Gaining Strength]

I think that all of our problems are probably fear based. Even shame is fear based b/c we are afraid to look foolish or be humiliated.
 So, I am serious about exorcising fear.I have lived a half a life for a long time.

I agree with you Ami.  I know my problems are fear based and I know that my shame is fear based.  That physical sensation of being shocked by the humiliation is one thing I have not gotten over.  I suspect it is much like others' addiction to adrenaline.  The shock is exactly that - a jolt of adrenaline.

 

GS, I want to ask you s/thing. My body is so,so weary. Is this what happens after you are in shock? I would assume that it does, but it would help to hear your opinion.

Yes - the weariness is definitely part of it.  I remember leaning on anything nearby for months.  The weight of the grief and the responsibility was so heavy it was like wearing a coat of mail.  That is why I encouraged you from day 1 to find a way to get as much sleep as you can even if that means getting a prescription from the doctor for sleeping pills. 

I expect that you will begin to find that your memory just goes.  You'll find yourself standing there wondering what you were in the middle of doing or someone will speak to you and you won't have a clue as to who they are or even where you know them from.  It is very frustrating but it is what almost everyone weighed downed with intolerable grief will go through. 

Don't be hard on yourself about this.  It will pass.  It will seem to be with you for a long time but it will pass.

[Ami]

Thank you, GS. It has been a scary feeling to me how weary I am. Also, my memory has so little capacity. I tell s/one that I will make a cup of coffee for them  and an hour later,I have completely forgotten.
They are still waiting (lol).
 Your having been through this, GS ,is so comforting.
 I am the same way that you are when you say that you had to lean on poles.
 Lord Help Us, the human being was not made to go through so much pain ,as we have to on the earth. We were made to be with God ,in a perfect environment.
  This world is not it(lol). 
  Thanks so much, GS. I really, really have been comforted from the beginning of this ordeal ,until this very moment by you, GS. You have walked in these shoes and you know. One day, I will help s/one struggling with the same ordeal.     Love    Ami 

((((((((((GS))))))))))))