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On Discovering the SELF..

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CC:
This question has been coming up for me lately and I am wondering if any of you are in this phase of recovery and can share your ideas.

I have never been one to ponder my purpose because for 35 years I threw myself into busy distractions to avoid pain - much of which was productive and somewhat fullfilling, and some on romantic obsession.

Now that I am content and stable in a marriage, I burned out on my own career two years ago and left work to help my husband with our business.  Shortly afterward I went through a brief depression and it was after going into counseling for this that I discovered the NPD origin of my family.

Now that I have spent time learning and healing, I'm finding a lack of purpose.   It's almost like, okay, what do I do now?  I have had to fight chaos so long, and now I've decided not to expend energy on that.  So, I am left with the SELF.  WHO IS THAT?

For a while I started my own business, based on a passion of mine - cooking.  About halfway into it, I lost my enthusiasm and began blowing it off, not marketing, etc.  I still have the website, but it has been dormant for months because I have completely lost interest in pursuing it.

I spend half of my day doing the clerical/admin stuff for my H's business, which I enjoy.  The other half I busy myself with whatever projects come along - landscaping/gardening, working on the house, etc.  and I am always productive.  I spend at least an hour cooking a fabulous meal every night, and my husband and I really are into the whole cuisine thing.  Most women would be envious of my easy going lifestyle.  But.....  I feel restless.

I don't have any children (a stepdaughter that doesn't live with us), and until now the N in me didn't think I wanted any - I saw it as a burden - and I think I probably knew that in my previous frame of mind I wouldn't be capable of loving the child because of that.   But I am healthier now and am beginning to look at the positives - and feel confident that I will be able to truly love a child.  So recently I decided that I will have one so I am preparing for that.  I worry though, that part of my decision is because  I have not discovered any other purpose. I question that maybe I am doing it to provide another distraction.  I don't want to have a baby for the wrong reasons.  

Have you ever felt like this?  How do we begin to find ourselves?  We spend our whole lives as children of Ns and now we have to discover the self that was denied.  Where does one start?  I would prefer to figure this out before I become distracted for another 20 years raising a child, only to look up in horror later that I have passed on another generation of N.

My therapist has mentioned several times that if I begin involving myself again more socially that the answers will begin to come to me.  But isn't that just a temporary distraction?  I am lacking focus.  I focus on whether or not I am going to paint the front hallway today, or plant some shrubs in the front yard instead.   I enjoy doing the paperwork for our business, but it only takes up half the day. Getting a part time job - seems ridiculous to me.  I won't make any money or get any significant satisfaction out of that - after being a junior exec for over 10 years. Or would I? Besides there is plenty of business around the house to do.  

What do you guys do?  Am I just bored?  I don't feel bored, just UNFOCUSED and lacking inspiration.  You will probably laugh at me, but the headbanger 80's song from Guns N Roses just popped into my head - "Where do we go, where do we go, where do we go now..." :lol:

Neko:
The first thing that comes to my mind is that socializing isn't a distraction :) While it does get your mind on other things, that's good - rather than, say, looking at yourself in a mirror all the time, you're faced with others looking at you, and vice versa. You're on equal ground with others, in a vibrant situation, one that no one really knows where it will go. And that's a great way to discover new things about yourself, not to mention others too.

Much of the really valuable stuff I know about my Self, I've learned either from others or from observing myself around others. Rather than judging yourself on your thoughts, which you can do any time, being around others puts you into a position where you have to be spontaneous, and so behave on an almost instinctive, unconscious level - actions.

Finding out who I really am is something I've been dealing with a lot in the last few years, after I left home. My parents saw (still see) me as vindictive, arrogant, wild and rebellious - my friends and teachers have always told me I'm quiet, gentle, caring and have a tendency to not ask questions that they can see I have. (I don't know how they see it, but my husband says that too: "it's obvious" when I have a question about something. Odd, isn't it?)

Once I got away from my parents, then, I was at first faced with this dichotomous view of myself imposed by others. Or so I thought, because in watching myself, and others (how you see others is important!), I noticed that what I felt, gut-level, about myself was much closer to what friends had always told me, and never as extreme as the projections my parents shoved onto me. I also focused on childhood experiences where I had fun and was with friends and supportive teachers - what did I enjoy as a child? We are different as children, but much of our basic makeup stays the same throughout life.

edit: I left out a big one: what did my parents unreasonably forbid me to do as a child that I really wanted to do? In my case it mostly had to do with types of music, movies and television shows, so I've been testing all of them out. It turns out that I really like most of what was forbidden! A few things aren't very interesting, but for the rest, wow. I'm torn between feeling like I missed out as a kid and being happy that I've found out these things now. (end edit)

The surprise came very recently. Just this year I've been noticing what is, in fact, a lifelong truth about myself: I may be quiet, reserved, and not like to step on people's toes, but I'm also very intense. Now, people have always told me this, but I never believed them because I always felt like I was living in a sponge, protecting myself from bumps and bruises. That may be true, but when I look at what I've been through, and things I've chosen to do in my life, I'm amazed at my courage :? it sounds weird to say it about yourself, I know... but I think it's something that all children of N-parents share. We had to be very strong to live with them, and very courageous to face them and ourselves in order to try to heal. We're all strong and courageous in different ways - I think it's important for us to find out in just what way, and then hold onto that as something to be proud of (as humbly as possible :) ).

I work from home too, and like you am a cooking buff :) That was another surprise about myself! My mother had always told me I was a failure as a cook - always ruining dishes. But as soon as I got away from her - it turns out I'm a pretty good cook!! *hurray* Anyway - I went through a period last year where I was aimless, like you seem to feel, wondering what the value of my life was. Then I thought, well, what do I value others for? I don't value anyone for their career, I value them for who they are. Sometimes what they do for work is interesting and says something about who they are, but that's only part of them. My mother-in-law is the quintessence of a woman who knows how to do everything, it seems, and yet she only had a paying job for two years in her twenties. She's an incredible woman.

So I pushed myself to do what I enjoy, and do it just because I enjoy it. In my free time I sew, cook, play with our cat, read books, design websites, write lengthy posts on forums... :D ... and use Internet to learn about things that interest me (mostly foreign languages). You gradually learn what you enjoy and what you don't, even if you start out tentatively, and that in turn teaches you more about who you are. Monetarily speaking, what I enjoy doesn't get me anywhere, but as a person I feel whole and content.

That is, until for some reason, my Self tells me "you need to work on this thing with your parents a little more, we've got more healing to do!" :o

rosencrantz:
:)

Thought 1 :
--- Quote --- I am always productive
--- End quote ---
- so STOP!  :wink: Busy 'doing' means less time to think or feel or be. Less space for the essence of you to filter up to the top.

Thought 2 : Do you want a child or a baby or a family?  One or lots?  Is it a biological imperative or a cultural response? The answers may give you some clues.  But there'll be no room for 'you' once the babies arrive - or 'you' as a couple.  Do you want to give all that up so soon???

Thought 3 : I don't think you will create another generation of N, CC - BUT I've become aware that we have to deal with the N of our parents in our children.  Babies and children and adolescents are narcissistic by nature (only 'I' exist) and it's difficult not to be motivated to make the changes in them that we actually want(ed) to make in our parents (particularly as we now have the 'power' to do so).  

There's also the issue of finding the physical and emotional strength,  after days, weeks, months of sleepless nights, NOT to find buttons being pressed that were created by our own parenting.  Sleep deprivation is used as torture to break people - knowing that, I don't quite know why our culture doesn't support parents more!

Thought 4 :
--- Quote ---involving myself again more socially
--- End quote ---
.  If you're avoiding it, you probably need it! :)

Thought 5 : Part-time is brilliant - it allows you balance in your life.  The new way to work is to create a portfolio of exciting part-time opportunities : voluntary, paid, selling product, consultancy, learning, teaching others... Do it for a reason 'beyond' the work or the pay.  It's a means to an end.  Even if it's just in order to pay someone else to stay in and do the housework!  One step will lead to amazing new possibilities (believe me, it will) - and THAT's scary!!!) :-)
R

Anna:
I love the way you put those quotes in the boxes.  Can you direct me on doing that?

Regarding the topic, good for you CC to have built such a productive life!  I had a very difficult time finding those kinds of answers.  I don't believe that it's a process you can rush.  

All the work and "things" I did in my life I did by default.  This is what I was told to do.. or what was expected and I didn't have enough sense of self or agency or confidence to even consider anything else.  So when it came time to change I struggled too.

Questions like "What did you always want to do Anna" or "What's your passion?" left me speechless once again because I never could afford the energy or risk of actually daring to want something or to BE something other than the crutch.  The only thing I EVER wanted to be was ***FREE***.   Free to be.....  

To start finding some answers, I went to alot of therapy. I studied the Bible.  I did art therapy.  I learned to be expansive.  I also grieved and grieved...  I spent alot of time with myself -- allowing myself to be quiet and contemplative so that I could hear those little voices inside me.  I worked on an intuition journal -- very helpful and astoundingly empowering.  One of the most important pieces for me was to understand that I DID have a passion -- I could identify it because when I did this activity, time flew.  It was effortless and enjoyable and hours would fly by because I was completely absorbed.  This helped me get focused.  

So yes, I've been there!  I did many things and I'm still in the process of narrowing things down.  The difference is now I don't feel as overwhelmed.  Oh, and don't forget to have FUN!  We deserve to have fun.

CC, I think that we're always where we're supposed to be at any given point in our lives.  I believe that there is always something to be learned or gained.  I have never considered any of my life to be 'wasted' because I know that I've gained something invaluable from each step.

Give yourself credit for all you've done so far, and allow yourself to just BE.  It will all come in time.

Acappella:
Hi CC,

What's cookin? :D

Yes i very much relate to searching for a self.  I heard the "what did you like as a child" questions, read lots of books etc.  Problem was as a child I wasn't allowed ANY hobbies or play time and what i did sneak in play I didn't give my FULL emotional attention to it, i didn't immerse fully into it because there was always crisis and I was always frightened.  And, I was more often than not isolated from other children also.  “Do what you feel” meant nothing to me, I didn't feel consistently.  Anyway, I had very little to work with.  I am much improved now I understand who i am.  Now, I still have a long way to go to support who i have found myself to be and create an environment in which i can continue doing so. This board is a start.

One thing that I noticed is when you asked - So, I am left with the SELF. WHO IS THAT? That sounds to me like an objective perspective as if you might recognize YOU from afar.  "Who is THAT over there?"  Would you know her if you saw her?  Who do you feel like?  Even when it comes to loosing interest.  When did you loose interest exactly?  How did you feel doing the business, each part of it?  Did you loose interest all at once or did it start with one aspect of the business?  Did you expect yourself to do it all?  Did you like marketing or just the cooking?  Could you hire someone to work for you to do the marketing?   Getting intimate with oneself is something that from my experience neither narcissists nor their mate (that's been my role) do.  I have been too impatient, too scared to let myself feel who i am. Sometimes i've wanted a definite answer - THIS is who i am and that identity will dictate all my choices, make life easier. I did that when i was younger.  I wanted a picture to step into.  I am being now rather than looking for something or someone to be.  

I find  that now that when I work on getting to know myself my husband, j gets jealous or makes comments that are subtly demeaning.  Sometimes I don't know for sure if he means it that way - am i paranoid?  Whether he is being punishing or envious or not, shat I know for sure i don't get support from him for my efforts and worse is I get distractions galore.  He will say "oh good you are doing that" and then proceed to create a disruptive environment if the little barbs and hints don't work first. Sadly, he needs to get to know himself and his jealousy is therefore understandable AND I am not the culprit in creating his distance from himself.  Anyway, I appreciate the support on this site for getting to know our selves. At home, I feel that even as i make changes inside, in me,  i am also struggling with the very environment i am in,  the environment/relationship in which i was able to ignore my interests and the feelings, the passions, that fuel my interests for so long.

I intend to make a sort of plan of self-discovery so i can have structure.  I so easily spend time on supporting j.'s career, managing the fall out from his latest disruptive/even abusive act, or busy work. That is how i spent so much time here with him, afterall.  That is how i avoid the feelings i get when i set out to focus on myself.  So I need structure to maintain self-discovery amid the chaos and distractions here.  I will set goals and tasks for MYSELF. The dishes can wait. And, i intend to create a plan so foolproof that j can burn down the house to focus me back on him and test my  "loyalty" still there will be doable activities i will maintain - I'll go do sit up on the lawn while the embers smolder!  There must be a way.  Most importantly i will be feeling as i go. Noticing me without judgment.  Notice, "I am losing interest, hmmmmm, interesting."  "what is it i felt before i lost interest?"  "what was i feeling when i focused on j. AGAIN instead of looking into landscape design classes?"  What fear did i have just before I decided to abandon myself?

Off to go make a plan,
best to you, cc

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