Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
On Discovering the SELF..
CC:
Thank you Anna, for your kind supportive words. Congrats on your quote boxes! :lol:
Echo, every one of your paragraphs had a lesson to be learned from. This one in particular:
--- Quote ---I wonder what pain (soft part in your heart that anna noted?) in particular you were feeling? greiving not serving a brilliant man, that man and/or shame for leaving when you are needed? or grieving that you were leaving something you felt good about as you are doing it, in the moment? Did you leave because you felt inadequate? I know I have had a heck of a time learning to feel the specificness of my experiences. I can feel disconnected because i enjoy what i am doing but am frightened of that process or disconnected because i feel i should enjoy what i am doing but i don't really.
--- End quote ---
#1 - Yes, I was grieving not serving a brilliant man anymore
#2 - Yes, I felt shame for leaving where I was needed
#3 - Yes, I grieved leaving something that made me feel good - but in a false sense - "need for admiration", an N trait!! Not a passion of mine.
#4 - Yes, I left because I felt inadequate; I was unable to handle the stress of the work (there was too much to do well, and it was either do all things in a mediocre level or one thing well and ignore the rest) That is not who I am!
thank you for putting in print the feelings that I could not sort out. When I was in that last job, I felt like a big shot. I made more money than i ever thought I'd make. I traveled to glamourous places for sales meetings and everywhere I went was greeted with "heard so many great things about you" (need for admiration) And my ego was stroked constantly by "important people" (grandiosity).. while they piled on more responsibility that I really didn't want, nor could I handle. (Ah, C, but you're so GOOD at it, you'll find a way. DELEGATE), they would tell me. They schmoozed me, like any good salesperson would. But I felt admired, and appreciated. it wasn't enough.
The reality? I was overworked, stressed out, hated getting up in the morning, and was annoyed every time my phone would ring because it was interrupting a project I was working on. I would stay late, feeling inadequate that I couldn't get everything done, and have to drag myself away from my desk when a subordinate would want to buy me coffee, overwhelmed that I would have to face it again in the morning. I would come home to a very unhappy newlywed husband, and be crabby myself because I was tired and stressed. And worst of all - I gave up my passion - no time for cooking.
It is apparent after organizing these thoughts in writing that there was no true happiness in that job. Perhaps when I left, it was the first step in realizing that my whole career had been based on a false sense of self. Then when I left the brilliant man, I felt shameful that I was disappointing him.
--- Quote ---you started this “search for self” thread. you gave and you are getting. how does THAT exchange feel? I am certainly appreciative that you did AND i understand you would need to be getting something out of this, some benefit, energy from it to keep giving it even and especially if you are good at giving. Isn’t it is all about win-win instead of win-lose; about balance not right or wrong, give and get not give or get.
--- End quote ---
I cannot begin to tell you the give/get that I feel on this forum (especially lately). I love to give here, and I feel "allowed" to get - though admittedly sometimes I feel guilty about typing "I this and I that" (like right now!) I feel as though I am making it all about me... but I know I should not feel that way here. You are so perceptive in realizing that what we get here is the same relationship and balance that we should have in the rest of the areas of our life.
I think your suggestion to begin a thread on combining the search for the true self with vocation would be well received. I wish you all the best of luck in finding yourselves, and BEING yourselves. Now I'm off to the library to get those books. Thanks again.
Acappella:
Thanks CC.
I am glad those questions which took me so very long (many books, many tears, many many earlier questions, a lot of living and worse yet half living) to ask myself can be passed on and that you found them helpful. All the "lost" years of struggle contain some gems to be mined after all. Easy to forget sometimes.
I thought i had to do everything alone. In the process i have reinvented a few wheels, many of which had already been "reinvented" and i just was too isolated to know. YEEESH. surprise! coulda saved some time there. Anyway, books are great and I could die of thirst reading all about water. This forum is a step into a visable audible self, being out loud.
I like to garden and am constantly reminded we tend to one another, we live in a social garden, a sort of social ecology. A tiny seed from others, a comment, an insight, a encouragement or constructive criticism has often grown into a big surprising flower in myself. Weeds have been planted too, and sometimes it takes me a long time to tell the difference. :? I am finding the forum, the voices of the forumers ( :shock: is that a word?), to be a transformative experience. My little whispery voice is becoming part of a chorus and there is an exponential feeling of clarity and synergy i am getting from and with you.
I will get my self to that topic post soon! Hope to read ya there.
seeker:
Hi CC and everyone,
I am new to the board and am really gratified to find company! I am pretty much a "social loner" and am just figuring out that one reason why is because in my family I was pretty much on my own emotionally. I have been working through a lot of the same stuff everyone here has because my family's issues finally came to full boil two years ago and here I am.
Anyway, what caught my eye about this thread was this from CC:
--- Quote ---Its almost as if I am afraid to complete a project in its entirety. Why? Could it be that this was my false self, when I start to be successful and grandiose, that I want to go back to being "common" and "like everybody else"? an adult form of rebellion, or what I truly desire???
--- End quote ---
This is one of the things I struggle with all the time. The "who do you think you are?" :x voice in my head that keeps me small and invisible. I was known in my career to be an excellent quiet worker. I did the job well. Period. But deep down I wanted to be recognized for it but couldn't toot my horn because I was conditioned not to. My Ndad would tell me I was "willful" or "self-serving" or roll his eyes. When presented with a good report card, my mom would tell me, "yes, we know we don't have to worry about you."
A couple of years ago, I took a risk and accepted a highly visible position within the community. I told myself I was scared but do it anyway. Go for it! I did a good job, people tell me, but I couldn't handle the visibility and ankle-biting that comes with the territory.
Being an approval junkie, it just really got to me. I took the position to get approval--no one else wanted it, ouch!--I did a good job to get approval, and I'll be honest, I wanted a feather in my cap. (Doesn't everyone? I think both Ns and nonNs, humans, want to be special in some way.) At the end of the game I should have known that there would be people competing for visibility that wouldn't want anyone else to be visible, so automatic disapproval was in the offing from our friends, the Ns.
And the timing was wonderful--my family's "stuff" spilling out at the same time made me feel even more insecure. :shock: So now, no one sees me around anymore. I isolated myself to recover. Kind of like a gopher who stuck her head out of her safe hole and ducked back in!
So, CC, I don't know if this speaks to your experience. But seeing that we had one of the same symptoms I thought I would share this. I still rock back and forth between "is it confidence or grandiosity?" I am uncomfortable when I get attention, even though I know I want it. Isn't that strange? Thanks everyone, for your helpful posts. S.[/quote]
Cathi:
--- Quote --- "I am uncomfortable when I get attention, even though I know I want it. Isn't that strange?"
Welcome Seeker!
This part of your message caught my eye. I can relate to your feeling this way. I've often wondered if it's because my Nmom always had to have the attention focused on her. I never realized until I was in counseling some years back, how jealous my Nmom was of me. Who, but a N could be jealous of their child? :shock: :shock:
Cathi
--- End quote ---
Cathi:
Anna:
I loved this observation of yours.
--- Quote ---
--- Quote ---"CC, I think that we're always where we're supposed to be at any given point in our lives. I believe that there is always something to be learned or gained. I have never considered any of my life to be 'wasted' because I know that I've gained something invaluable from each step."
--- End quote ---
Even though we've all endured a great deal of pain in our lives, I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it at the time, but our life experiences, whether they be good or otherwise, mold us into a work of art with something to contribute that is unique. We can always be proud of that. No one can take our personal experiences away. We are who we are because of them.
Cathi :wink:
--- End quote ---
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