Author Topic: More Anger  (Read 5752 times)

Hermes

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2008, 11:05:55 AM »
Understood, Ami.  People simply cannot comprehend the madness that is N.

I am glad you find solace here, and hopefully some humour from time to time. 

All the best
Hermes

Gabben

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2008, 05:53:37 PM »

  the worst part of this whole thing is seeing how MY wimpiness led to Scott's death. I let my H take Scott over, little by little. I stopped fighting my H.

Hi dear Ami,

This statement is NOT the worst thing that could have happened it is one of the best things for you. For when we really look deeply at ourselves, past the voice of pride in our head, that says "do not look," and past the voice of fear that says "no need to," we can start to see ourselves and then the world the way God sees us and the world. That is partly why there are so many stories of Christ healing the blind in the bible...the message is really not about physical healing as it is about healing our spiritual vision.

Your seeing is a gift, your great insight and your courage to face yourself in the midst of tragedy is a miracle...I can't help but think that Scott is in heaven interceding for you -- he loves you so much.

Facing ourselves and seeing is so good and so healing - you are so OK and you have so much courage.

(((AMI)))

Love you,
Lise

« Last Edit: January 28, 2008, 06:02:09 PM by Gabben »

Gabben

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2008, 06:01:48 PM »

 I really wimped out a long,long time ago when I was to weak to leave him, but I WAS too weak to  leave him .I did  not get in my H's face enough and go to battle for Scott.
  I was a wimp,like my F and that is why I can't stand to see my F.


Ami,

The opposite of faith is NOT courage...it is fear. Your admitting that you have been a wimp at times in your life, (me too) to face your H or tell him the truth at the risk of loosing something is huge.

Someone once told me once that we are, in every situation, either leading people away from God or closer to God. If we made a decision out of fear then we are not trusting God...we are relying on ourselves rather than putting our trust, blind trust, in Him and having faith that He will not let us down.

The problem is that we tend to let our instincts takeover more than they should, we have more invested in life or the relationship than what is healthy, which makes it very hard to let go and trust God.

I know, I have been where you are as far as realizing that I am wimpy at times. I have to ask myself...what is there to loose and so what if this person does not like me or leaves me...as long as I am coming from a place of love and truth then God's got my back...let the person rant, let them reject me...I have learned that the truth will piss us off before it sets us free.

Thank you for sharing and risking Ami.

Lise
« Last Edit: January 28, 2008, 06:07:59 PM by Gabben »

Ami

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2008, 06:24:13 PM »
Dear Lise,
 Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it and you, also.        Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2008, 05:37:08 PM »
I am SO angry. I have to bring up this thread ,again. WHY? WHY" WHY" do I try to get my H to understand how he tries to "turn people against me"--WHY?
  My M did get the truth of her life . This must be  a miracle. I guess I came out of denial, fast and I want my H to get it and own it. However, he gets very little.My H has the same pattern as his brother. They turn the kids (and anyone else they can-lol) against the wife(or try).
  I do not have the strength to fight with him. It knocked me back a few pegs and I need to go forward ,not back.All I want to do is get strong.
 I need to just co-exist until I can get strong. I know that I am still in denial about Scott. It still seems like a dream and I am still numb.
                                                                                 Ami
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Violet

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2008, 06:23:48 PM »

 I need to just co-exist until I can get strong.
                                                                                 Ami
 

Amy, I just read this thread through.  I can't quite assimilate it all but several comments have been stunning.  My general feeling is, you need a lot of time and some immediate care given you.  I feel like you almost need to be babied, like tucked in bed with a hot cup of tea, or someone sitting with you in a darkened room, humming softly while you quietly nap, helping you dress, things like that.  Maybe that sounds like I am nutty, but I really think that would help you lots and I wish it for you. 

I like classic movies and old novels a lot and I am always astonished by how solicitous, kind, gentle and caring people seemed to be "in the old days."  (For an example, Little Women, book and movie).  In general, I don't think we care for each other anymore in the ways we really need to be cared for, our society worships at the alter of "uber-strength and self sufficiency" to the exclusion of ever letting ourselves admit to or give in to weakness of any kind.  JMHO. 

Love and kindness and healing to you, Ami 
Since you talk about scripture, may I share one that is a great comfort to me often?  I don't know where it is in the Bible, but here goes:

'To them that have no might, He increaseth strength.'  Let Him hide you in the shadow and comfort of His healing wings, Ami.  Violet

Ami

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2008, 07:29:22 PM »
Violet
  Will YOU come to my house and take care of me(lol)? I bet you have a sweetness. Those were very comforting words, Violet.
                                                                     Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Violet

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #22 on: January 30, 2008, 07:31:57 PM »
Violet
  Will YOU come to my house and take care of me(lol)? I bet you have a sweetness. Those were very comforting words, Violet.
                                                                     Love   Ami

Yes, I would if I could!   :)   Violet

Ami

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2008, 07:37:33 PM »
Oh Violet,
 I will take your words as cyberspace hugs. Thank you. I bet you would ,indeed, come over!          Love    Ami


((((((((((((((Violet)))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Kimberli63

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2008, 03:43:45 AM »
Ami, anger is a very important stage of  growth. You seem to have unblocked the pipeline to your recovery through the loss of Scott, and I am sorry this loss had to be the catalyst.

I recently, went through, a period of great anger, absolute rage, actually. I, found out  after trying to work out what was wrong with me all these years, that it wasn‘t me but my mother and my continued insistence on choosing narcs, of both sexes, to relate to because that is all I understood. When I was about 7 or 8, my mother took me to see a psychiatrist because there had to be something wrong with me. She found me impossible to deal with and  I was fighting with my younger sister, who got all the attention.

I met someone on MySpace, and we started talking late last year. He had a NPD wife, and the more we talked, the more I realised that all the counselling I had done over decades, had brought me to a point in 1990, when I had explored all my options but I just didn’t have the final piece of the jigsaw. I suddenly realised, that I had wasted more than 50 years of my life feeling inadequate and, at times, I felt like I had two personalties and I did -  hers and mine. I was outraged to realise that several people had lived, vicariously through me. I did all their feeling for them. I was the human face of so much destructive behaviour and  I did not know what to do with myself.

Once I calmed down, which took several weeks and lots of deep thinking, I decided that now that I know what is going on, I am going to take charge of my life. I have lost 50 years of my life. I am, no longer, going to let them control me. It is my time to be myself. I shifted focus from them to me.

I stopped wasting time with or even thinking about people, who can’t or don’t want to understand. Ami, you need to stop wasting time with your husband (and anyone else, like him) trying to get him to understand or, at least understand your position. He will never understand so cut your losses in terms of effort. Limit your time with people, like him. Instead fill your life with people who energise you. Steer clear of anybody who exudes  negative energy, whether it be at the shops, at the school, or anywhere at all. Start surrounding yourself with people, who love you or, at least give off positive vibes.

I did not think this up myself, I found great comfort in the  writings of “Kübler-Ross see her Grief Cycle, the third stage is one of outraged anger. In order, the stages are: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance.
Symptoms
The next step after denial is a sudden swing into anger, which often occurs in an explosion of emotion, where the bottled-up feelings of the previous stages are expulsed in a huge outpouring of grief. Whoever is in the way is likely to be blamed. In a company this includes the managers, peers, shareholders customers and suppliers. The phrase 'Why me?' may be repeated in an endless loop in their heads. A part of this anger thus is 'Why not you?', which fuels their anger at the those who are not affected, or perhaps not as seriously so.
Treatment
When they are angry, the best thing you can do is give them space, allowing them to rail and bellow. The more the storm blows, the sooner it will blow itself out.
Where anger becomes destructive then it must be addressed directly. As necessary, you may need to remind people of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Reframe their anger into useful channels, such as problem areas and ways to move foreword.
Beware, when faced with anger, of it becoming an argument where you may push them back into denial or cause later problems. Support their anger. Accept it. Let them be angry at you.

Someone has expanded on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s treatise on stages of grief 
Anger Behavior 
Questioning
Crying
Shouting
Belligerence
Hostility
Sarcasm
Bitterness
Anger Feelings
Guilty
Hurt
Irritated
Cheated
Angry
Enraged
The next and hardest step is getting rid of  the destructive repetitive cycles of anger and moving forward to self forgiveness“

 I have a lot of trouble with this but I am trying. It goes against anything, we were told or intuitively knew during my childhood.

I hope I haven’t stood on anyone’s toes. I try to be sensitive.

Kim in Oz

Ami

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2008, 07:40:21 AM »
Dear Kim,
  Thank you for your words. Please, always be honest with me.I appreciate it very much .      Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #26 on: January 31, 2008, 09:01:15 AM »
I feel really badly b/c my H is really hurting ,too, of course. However, I told him that I cannot discuss Scott,in any way, with him. I am a hair trigger, right now. I just "go off" and then wish I didn't.
 My H wants ME to  help him absolve him of guilt. *I* am not the person to do that. It is another assault on me .
 He understood and will not  engage me in this way.
 I have seen so much truth, that he has not. We are in two different universes, now, more than before.
  So, I simply can't be engaged in the dance .                   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gaining Strength

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #27 on: January 31, 2008, 11:46:45 AM »
 My H wants ME to  help him absolve him of guilt. *I* am not the person to do that. It is another assault on me .


Actually Ami - This is exactly what you are called to do.  This is where your healing is hidden.  You are holding him responsible and you might be harboring hatred for him.  This will turn into a block for your healing.

I have seen so much truth, that he has not.

He cannot see what you see but you can help him and in helping him you will actually help to free yourself.  Begin by acknowledging you hardened heart when you feel it and then simply acknowedge that you would like to soften that heart.  That is how you begin and then you repeat this pattern over and over and over and in time your heart will begin to soften and your healing will begin.

Gabben

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #28 on: January 31, 2008, 11:57:02 AM »
My H wants ME to  help him absolve him of guilt. *I* am not the person to do that. It is another assault on me .


Actually Ami - This is exactly what you are called to do.  This is where your healing is hidden.  You are holding him responsible and you might be harboring hatred for him.  This will turn into a block for your healing.



((((((((AMI))))))))

Ami - GS's words here are powerful and full of truth.

Perhaps in the need to make sense of why Scott did what he did you are seeking to blame yourself and your H, this is nonconstructive.

It was NOT you or your H's fault.

All this blame that your two are assigning to each other is a way to seek relief from the deep pain and hurt of losing Scott.

It just hurts.

My heart if so full of compassion and care for you and your Husband.

Much love,
Lise


« Last Edit: January 31, 2008, 11:59:58 AM by Gabben »

Gabben

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Re: More Anger
« Reply #29 on: January 31, 2008, 12:01:43 PM »
Ami,

If you can sit today and get really quiet in your mind. Listen to your heart and let the deep hurt rise up...stay with it...know how much I and others feel your pain with and for you and in great tenderness.

In that pain is God, you will find Him.

I love you,
Lise