How do you feel after a "shock"?

[Ami]

Ami,

I think it is very normal to be so weary.  I would think you would be exhausted.  I think I would be more worried about the fact that you aren't reading your body signals and responding to what they are telling you.  When you are hit by a truck (physically) you don't argue about the fact that your body needs time to recuperate.  Please don't argue with your body when it tells you to rest after this emotional wound.

If you havent yet broken down and cried uncontrollably and deeply, you are still holding in a lot of emotion.  That is going to be exhausting.  Although beer would relax you, and I'm not against a bit of therapeutic alcohol, its not what you need right now.  You need to stay with the pain until you can let it flow out of you. 

There are going to be some gutwrenching sobs and I sense that you are afraid of them.  Don't be.  They aren't forever--but they have to be gone through.  You are in a grey place emotionally--but it would be a true tragedy for you to stay there forever.

There's a level of understanding that you are looking for, that you have looked for for the last year, that is going to come on a purely emotional level.  It won't come from thinking and reasoning.  It will come from pouring out the ache on a deep, primal level.  It's scarey, but you are a strong woman.  You're going to make it through it. 

Pamper the feeling side of your brain.  Don't worry about exercise right now--take long walks in your neighborhood, out in the weather, not worrying about how much exercise you get.  Listen to music.  Don't read any self help books, read stories if you want to read at all.  Sleep.  Treat yourself as a recovering hit and run victim. 

If you want to read something, try "Tuesdays with Morrie".  I think it might really speak to you right now, without being too heavy.

Much love,
CB

Dear CB,
  There is so much wisdom in your post. Thank you. You seemed to express the "disconnect' that I have with myself. I am not trusting or resonating to my own needs.
  I am not feeling a bodily or mind 'need" and being able to honor and go forward with it. You expressed this dilemma ,so clearly.
 I am needing reassurance every step of the way for how I feel--emotionally and physically.
 I see how I don't trust myself. It is disheartening to see,but it is true.
  You are right about the beer and drugs. Intuitively, I knew that I had to feel and not numb myself. I am already too numb.
   I am afraid of the gut wrenching truth falling on me.I cry when I listen to music,but not very much, compared to the cries that are pent up in me. I AM afraid of the grief overwhelming me. I have to trust that the grief will come out at the time I can handle it---Right?
 CB, could you explain more specifically what  you mean about the  healing  that I began on the board and how it is a heart healing? I have an emotional denseness to seeing it clearly.
 Thanks for all that you gave me. It was a gift.               Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear (((( Ami ))))

GS has mentioned magnesium, and salt baths, which is absolutely superb, for Adrenal Fatigue, the fatigue that comes with shock, and the stress to the body, from shock.

I still enjoy a wonderful magnesium salt bath with rose petals, which is ever so soothing and relaxing.

Lupita has mentioned Chamomile Tea, which is excellent.

All I did was drink Herbal Teas, which soothed and calmed.  There is an excellent Herbal Tea, called 'Night Time', which was a wonderful natural herbal aid for restful sleep, along with, as you say, prayer, and meditation on the word, which fills you with real comfort, for rest.

Be kind to yourself, be still, and rest.

Love to you,

Leah


Walks in the fresh air helps to rest and sleep,
maybe your sweet little dog may enjoy being with you on a walk.

Dear Leah,
  I wanted to tell you about the spiritual healing I had last night.
  Yesteday, we went to the Messianic Synagogue. I did not want to go, but made myself. I realize that I do need to force myself to take in spiritual things b/c they will provide the ultimate healing.
  There was a guest rabbi and he was talking about eternal life.He said that eternal life was your most important decision on this earth. He said that as long as you had eternal life, your length of days here was  secondary.He was very "real" and had a wonderful spirit. .
  Later that night,I was walking Mimi. I felt the old feelings like I was worthless and "bad" and why even TRY to heal, just go "down". Then, I realized,in my'" heart", for the first time, what a price God paid for me, how God loved me  and it was a direct slap in God's "face" for me to contradict Him by hating myself.
 I got a peace. Why would God have gone through all that suffering for me  IF I was worthless?I knew it ,in the head, before ,but NOT in the heart.Last night, I got it in the '"heart".
 I feel differently,now. Whenever,I feel like I am "bad",I need to see that God sees  me as valuable. He is the ultimate judge of our value.
 Leah, I have been sleeping with Mimi. I open the windows, put on lots of blankets and that sweet, warm body curls up next to me. Henrietta(Standard Poodle) is to old to get on the bed.
  A dog is so comforting when you are upset. When you feel their breathing, there seems to be an order  to the world.
  Mimi bores in,next to my body, and I feel her there all night.
  Leah----Perfect love casts out Fear. I am meditating on the verse b/c it holds life for me----for my own deep healing and for the pain of Scott. Thank you for all the love you have given me, Leah.           Ami

[Hermes]

Dear Ami:

You are grieving, and need to grieve, in your own way.  It is the most natural thing in the world. 
The numbness of the first few days wears off (this can take time too, maybe even months), and the sharpness of the loss sets in.  No doubt people have mistaken that initial numbness for strength.

I found online these tips for helping a grieving friend: (and I also think CB123's post was lovely).


Don't force your method of grieving: Respect what the person wants.
Avoid minimizing the loss: Never tell the person to "get over it."
Be a better listener: Be aware of your feelings; and know you can't solve the problem.
Be with the mourner: You just have to be there with the person.

I found it here:
http://psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20030327-000002.html

Thinking of you, and wishing you well
Hermes

[Leah]

Dear (((( Ami ))))

GS has mentioned magnesium, and salt baths, which is absolutely superb, for Adrenal Fatigue, the fatigue that comes with shock, and the stress to the body, from shock.

I still enjoy a wonderful magnesium salt bath with rose petals, which is ever so soothing and relaxing.

Lupita has mentioned Chamomile Tea, which is excellent.

All I did was drink Herbal Teas, which soothed and calmed.  There is an excellent Herbal Tea, called 'Night Time', which was a wonderful natural herbal aid for restful sleep, along with, as you say, prayer, and meditation on the word, which fills you with real comfort, for rest.

Be kind to yourself, be still, and rest.

Love to you,

Leah


Walks in the fresh air helps to rest and sleep,
maybe your sweet little dog may enjoy being with you on a walk.

Dear Leah,
  I wanted to tell you about the spiritual healing I had last night.
  Yesteday, we went to the Messianic Synagogue. I did not want to go, but made myself. I realize that I do need to force myself to take in spiritual things b/c they will provide the ultimate healing.
  There was a guest rabbi and he was talking about eternal life.He said that eternal life was your most important decision on this earth. He said that as long as you had eternal life, your length of days here was  secondary.He was very "real" and had a wonderful spirit. .
  Later that night,I was walking Mimi. I felt the old feelings like I was worthless and "bad" and why even TRY to heal, just go "down". Then, I realized,in my'" heart", for the first time, what a price God paid for me, how God loved me  and it was a direct slap in God's "face" for me to contradict Him by hating myself.
 I got a peace. Why would God have gone through all that suffering for me  IF I was worthless?I knew it ,in the head, before ,but NOT in the heart.Last night, I got it in the '"heart".
 I feel differently,now. Whenever,I feel like I am "bad",I need to see that God sees  me as valuable. He is the ultimate judge of our value.
 Leah, I have been sleeping with Mimi. I open the windows, put on lots of blankets and that sweet, warm body curls up next to me. Henrietta(Standard Poodle) is to old to get on the bed.
  A dog is so comforting when you are upset. When you feel their breathing, there seems to be an order  to the world.
  Mimi bores in,next to my body, and I feel her there all night.
  Leah----Perfect love casts out Fear. I am meditating on the verse b/c it holds life for me----for my own deep healing and for the pain of Scott. Thank you for all the love you have given me, Leah.           Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I believe that crying can be cathartic but I also know that at times of great pain the tears only come when they come, they can't be and won't be forced.  I don't get the impression that Ami is holding back the tears but that they simply haven't come yet.  They will come when them come.

[Ami]

I understand, Ami.

I find that I am afraid of any feelings overwhelming me--grief included.  Overwhelming feelings have always been the property of the N's in my life.  I sit on mine. 

But there is a lot of damage done when that happens.  When my dad died when I was 16, I didnt finally cry til I was 19.  I had endured a lot of damage by then.  I, too, am afraid of overwhelming grief.

What I have found is that the anticipation of it is so much worse than just experiencing it.  We really are designed to experience the full range of emotions that we are capable of.  We think we will break, but we won't.  The problem is--when we stuff the pain down, we are inevitably stuffing the joy down as well.  There is no way to be selective with our emotions. 

Understanding where you have been, Ami, serves its own necessary purpose.  But understanding won't bring you joy.  It will only bring understanding--that's all it is meant to do.  When you work through to your core, you are really only working through to your rational core.  Your emotional core can easily remain untouched.  Emotions are an important part of who we are and they deserve to be touched as well.  So many times, I have thought that turning the "rational key" would unlock the "emotional door".  It won't.

The reason I suggested that you read "Tuesdays with Morrie" is because he has a good explanation of what it means to push into the pain, feel it fully, and then detach.  I think that those of us who are afraid of being overwhelmed, are afraid because we think the emotion will never end.  That it will remain intense forever.  In this chapter, Morrie talks about how it is necessary to detach from the pain in order to continue to function--but NOT before it is fully felt.  If you do that, you will remain in a that grey zone that you are in right now.  If you feel the pain fully and THEN detach, you will still have healthy, pink, flesh (so to speak).  Nothing will be dead. 

You said that music allows you to do the tiniest bit of feeling.  I think that's a good place to start then.  Take whatever small window you have available and sit with it.  Don't turn the music off when you start feeling what comes up.  It will feel intense, but it won't last forever. 

I'll tell you what happened to me recently.  I was with my boyfriend (I don't like that term, but can't think of another one right now), and we had had a very significant day together.  At one point, I warned him: I am going to cry.  I can feel it.  I want you to be okay with that--I need to do this.  He said okay, you do what you need to do.  And I just right then let myself slide into what I was feeling.  It came out in deep, soul-shaking sobs.  I didnt (and still dont, completely), know what the rational thought was that could explain it.  I just know that there was an ache in my soul, and I was so lucky to be in a place where I could express it.

He asked me later if I was happy or sad.  I told him that I thought it was both.  And that perhaps it was the "both" that made it so overwhelming.  He grew that day too, because it is hard for him to see me cry.  And I cried really, really hard. 

Does that make sense, Ami?  Do you have a picture?  The crying that I did felt like it was going to turn me inside out, but when it was over, I was fine.  It wasnt the end of the world.  And it won't be for you either.

Love
CB

Dear CB,
 There is a lot  wisdom in your post. I found a friend,as you did, who helped me to connect with  my heart and with whom I can share my heart. It is a totally 'new" experience. It feels like  'Twighlight Zone" of a good kind(LOL)
  My feelings are still a scary, unknown place to me which  I don't really trust. My body is the same way. I ask other people's opinions ,by asking ,"Is it OK to feel this way", rather than just trust myself. The trusting of ourselves is a new "road", I think.
  It is beautiful that you could cry and share with your friend.
  That is one of the sweet parts of life. Intimacy is very sweet. It is scary and it is hard, but it is probably the sweetest life experience there is. I want  to foster that sweetness now, when there is so much pain. I have had many instances of intimacy with many different people ,since Scott died.  People are responding to my vulnerability,I think.
  I see that I need to develop and strengthen my core so I CAN be vulnerable. Vunerablity can only come with strength, I think.
  God sent me a special friend and that  friendship has propelled me to "chose' life, even though the cost of shedding my NM's imposed "skin" , is very hard.. At times, I feel the shame as heavy and oppresive ,on my shoulders.
 However,I have to remember that God's value of me is the FINAL answer.
   Thank you CB. I will have to buy "Tuesday's with Morrie", again. I read it ,but can't find the book, now.
  I need to connect with my heart, not my intellect,as you so wisely said.        Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I am so grateful for any tears that come. Usually music brings them and I always feel a little less numb, afterwards. Thanks for understanding. There are so many different emotions and old patterns playing,right now.
 Tragedy should only happen to more functional people(LOL) .            Love    Ami

[Ami]

Thank you so much, dear friends, today, I felt like I entered the land of the living. I never could have done it w/out your love and suggestions.
 I am starting to be able to cry and when I cry, the exhaustion,lessens.
 I don't  think that I could have gotten this far without you.                   Love   Ami


((((((((((((((GS, Leah, Hermes, Alone, Izzy, Lupita and everyone else who has sent me so much love))))))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

I'm so thankful for you Ami.

[Hermes]

Across the miles, good luck to you, Ami. 

Hugs
Hermes

[Leah]

Dear ((((( Ami ))))))


The God of all grace, who called us to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
 
will himself restore you and make you strong,
firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).


"Shalom"

Love, Leah