Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What bait does your N use?
seeker:
Hi everyone,
A#1 bait in my family is Guilt!! "If you were a good girl, you do as I say! What is wr-r-rong with you?" Ouch. Hurts just to type that. :cry:
The bait my N-SIL used was to borrow stuff and not return it, so we'd have to visit to get it back. Then it was free tickets from the office. Then it was access to my brother and/or nephew. You know, "family togetherness". Ick.
A red flag I have with other non-related covert Ns is when someone asks a question as though they are truly interested (the set-up) and if you answer enthusiastically, they answer with a withering "good for yooou" (spike!). Buh-bye!
Oh I loved your bag o tricks, Flower! :D My SIL uses all of those! My dad uses the Doubtmaster, still does. No wonder my teachers would write "needs more confidence" on my report cards and my dad didn't do or say anything about it...he liked it that way!!!
Take care out there, Seeker 8)
Anonymous:
Add another to the guilt/manipulation brigade. Or maybe it's shaming..... I knew something wasn't right pretty early on on my marriage. But whenever I would make the slightest murmurings about leaving, my NH would hit me with something like......
"Yeah, that's you, a quitter. That's the way that you deal with everything, you just leave. You never work at anything. You never try to work things out. You just leave. You'll never have a real relationship because you're not willing to work at it."
So, since my personal history wasn't exactly stellar, of course I rose to the occasion, I didn't leave. I was going to be a better person. I kept trying to do better, read that as trying to please him. Until I caught him cheating on me. Even THEN I stayed because he was willing to get counseling. I fell for it again !!!! Color me stupid !!
So, by the time I finally DID wake up, I was a total wreck. But since I finally, really KNEW that he was poison, I DID actually leave. Hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I knew that if I didn't get out, I would die.
Fortunately, there IS life after N-World. I'm amazed to find that there really are people out there with no hidden agenda. That it isn't always pulling teeth. That you CAN have just a simple, pleasant good time. That real communication and compromise doesn't make you end up feeling like you were swindled.
So, don't bite the bait !!!!!! There's always a REALLY BIG HOOK under it !
Gingerpeach
Max:
Flower
I love your bag of tricks! I may just draw some of them and make my own bag just to remind myself.
My N was able to sucker punch me over and over for years. Kind of like Charlie Brown being fooled once again that Lucy would hold the football for him to kick.
Max
Singer:
Hi again,
As Flower said,
--- Quote --- So many interesting things you all say, I just can't resist commenting!
--- End quote ---
But where to start? So many of your experiences hit home. Flower, the info vacumn is my downfall. I always fall for that one, and being told how I lacked confidence. Seeker, I've also fallen for the borrowed stuff used as bait, but it doesn't have to be borrowed. It can be an old photograph, promised but never delivered, a book that I might have expressed an interest in ten years ago, or even a piece of misdirected junk mail.
Les asked,
--- Quote ---How are your relationships with any brothers and sisters?
--- End quote ---
and got me thinking because that question has been troubling lately. I have a polite, but superficial relationship with both my brother and sister. We're like people who have been through an unexpected disaster together. We know we've shared something life changing, but we don't especially want to talk about it. My brother has a family with a wife and children of his own, and my sister has made family from friendships, which infuriates our mother even more than anything I've ever done, which is saying something.
The thing is, my Nmother never wanted to believe that she would become old. But if old is what she has to be, then she's going to play it to the hilt. Can't be a damsel in distress without plenty of villains.
Here we go again, different tune, same old song.
Singer
Anonymous:
Hello all,
Singer wrote
--- Quote ---The thing is, my Nmother never wanted to believe that she would become old. But if old is what she has to be, then she's going to play it to the hilt.
--- End quote ---
My dad has just hit the Senior Zone big time, filling up his days with doctor appts and insisting my mother drive him. Oi! He second-guesses all his doctors because if they knew anything they would know what's wrong with him, which is nothing and yet, everything!!!
Max, I have often thought of poor Charlie Brown and Lucy duping him again at the start of football season. I have always hated that motif but didn't know why until recently. When I wish an N would change, I just think of Charlie and Lucy...isn't it funny that Charles Schulz chose Lucy to be the neighborhood shrink, too? :shock: :D She has all the answers, whether they are helpful or not!
Gingerpeach wrote:
--- Quote ---Fortunately, there IS life after N-World. I'm amazed to find that there really are people out there with no hidden agenda. That it isn't always pulling teeth. That you CAN have just a simple, pleasant good time. That real communication and compromise doesn't make you end up feeling like you were swindled.
--- End quote ---
Hey GP great to hear from you :) and to hear such hopeful words! I believe there is an N epidemic in my area...I live in a hip, affluent area (I am not hip, not affluent) and all within seek and affirm the American Beauty, Pottern Barn cardboard lifestyle. ("I WILL sell this house today!")I get a little sick, trying to figure out the unwritten rules of self-appointed bluebloods and feeling like I stepped in the dog doo. Literally ill. It permeates the atmosphere. So I'm taking deep breaths (no not of the dog doo!!!) Fresh. Air. That's better.
Phew! Well, take care out there! Seeker
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