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What bait does your N use?

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mighty mouse:
Hi Les,

I guess Bunny always says it succinctly. Do what is right for you. Does any part of you want more contact with Mother?

Bunny is a wise woman. But to answer your question. No. I don't feel that she has earned the right to any personal information and yes, she would use it against me in the future. And the funny thing is, I don't miss her. I used to miss what I would have liked her and needed her to be, but I don't even go there anymore. If I had my way, I would not ever speak to her again. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I never had it to begin with and I've accepted that.

I have been on this journey of discovery for more than 10 years now. And I've already written out but not posted at least a half of a novel (letters to her). And of course I've been through the same things as most of the other posters in various stages. I am very resolute at this point.

I see your INFP personality coming out in that you are a "healer" type. I'm more like Hermione in the Harry Potter books and you are the boy wizard LOL.  You are much nicer than I am.

Well that's the long answer to your short question. And I like seeing you on the board as well.

MM

gardener:
Hi flower, your bag of tricks had me thinking back and I wondered if you'd also experienced the Blame-thrower  (no blame shall be attached to the N so it gets thrown around at someone else)  and the Joy-swatter (every small winged bit of joy that creeps its way in gets flattened, unless it can be self-attributed to the N) . I'd been mulling these over for a while. Anyone else think of others?  :lol:

gardener:
:idea:
Perhaps we could come up with a bag of remedies and a suit of armour for everybody else? How about the shield of blank looks (not reacting emotionally to the hook and line) or the instant mirror, repeating what the person in question has said and asking them to clarify exactly what they mean?

I'm currently experiencing the revelation of the telescope of insight.... you ask the person in question how they perceive someone who is of the same 'type'. It can be so revealing, remembering that the way we perceive others depends a lot on how we accept and perceive ourselves.

Rather like 'Judge and you too will be judged'

Or.... We do not see things as they are, but as we are. I think this last one is a quote from the Talmud? :)

Singer:
Whoops, got lost in thought for awhile.  

Been thinking about this, among other things,


--- Quote from: Les --- Ok out on a limb here. What do you think would happen if you wrote your mom a newsy e-mail? Does it feel like you will just providing her with more target practise.
--- End quote ---


Yes. But sometimes I do call even though I know now that I do it to fill a need of my own. Part of me won’t let go of the fantasy that we can communicate. So I make the call knowing full well that anything I say can and will be held against me. And twisted and repeated as fact.

Plus there’s the sense of responsibility. But I’m beginning to think I might be wrong about that too. I’m beginning to realize that I’ve overestimated myself. My elderly nMother has already emotionally discarded me. That’s so hard for me to face. I might manage to remain in her consciousness, but I’ll never be a person of value to her. Got to tell myself to just GET OVER IT! Then I’ve got to listen. Then detach and just do what needs to be done as far as the responsibility. Works in theory; hurts like hell in reality. :(


--- Quote from: Les ---As far as seeing your names on the board, Flower, Singer and all- Lets all allow ourselves this one indulgence - to express ourselves when we need to. I guess there is an infinite supply of space out here, you aren't taking anyone else's place, and only those who want to read will.
--- End quote ---


That’s true, but old habits die hard. As a kid I was always the last to speak up, as an adult the last to commit to an opinion. I found out the hard way that that can be every bit as annoying to people as the opposite. Problem is where to draw the line. I was raised in an all or nothing emotional evironment and it’s difficult to stop thinking in terms of extremes. The good news is now that I'm pretty old myself I really don't mind annoying people anymore. :)

Singer

renee:
Howdy all,

I know this is an older thread but I wanted to comment. I tried to say my peace in another thread but the integrity of the thread was violated.

I told in a former post that I own a business with 4 other partners. Sometimes it's hard to deal with that many personalities. But I noticed that one of the partners was always getting offended. Of course when that happens, all discussion kind of comes to a halt. I had to realize that this was a pattern...."I'm offended", followed by everyone's silence and inappropriate guilt. I finally figured this out thank goodness. This person is really pretty nice, but this one feature of her personality is bad for our business.

But My Mom uses this getting offended thing too. Maybe another word would be to shame. I guess it's the same thing. It's something to watch out for none the less in what result it produces. I now call her on this and she doesn't use it as much since she can't get away with it. My addition to the bag o tricks is carpet bagger.

Thanks you all for letting me speak. I'm finding my voice better now.

Renee

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