Trying to believe in myself, but it's hard

[cplummer]

As I walk through my pain and recovery; so much is coming up.  I feel as if I'm uncovering 8 years of my own denial in my marriage.  I didn't tell anyone what was really going on; often I think I really didn't think it was that bad.  I told myself over and over again, it was part of the package,  or it would get better if I just moved where he wanted or just didn't bother him when he was stressed or I just didn't take vacations anymore so I wouldn't be trapped in an abusive episode, or what can I do with myself to fix this whole problem, going to years of counseling to look at me and what I could be doing to cause all of it.  Even as I write this, i feel the years of my life erode away more and more into getting lost in him, in his abuse, losing myself and who i was.  There's still this little piece of me that creeps in from time to time and says; Caroline,  was it really that bad?  Couldn't you have just held it together for the boys?

But the uncovering of the denial brings me back to the truth and that is painful.  so many memories of things that happened that I just "accepted" or became used to are sort of haunting me now, as if they just want to get out.  I'm recognizing the extreme codependence I had with this man, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of that with my own therapy now.  But it is still as if, so much of the time, I'm still living in HIS reality and not my own  "This is all your fault!  I  will not apologize for anything!  I can't believe you are doing this to our family!  You f------bitch!  I only call you that when you deserve it!  Set the timer if you want to talk to me!  I just have all of this stuff running through my head.  I think i just need to keep working through all of these horrible memories--encounters that I tried to convince myself were ok.

The other big piece for me--I told no one.  I hid it all.  As I start to open up to a few people, I feel like they think I'm nuts.  They know this wonderful father and charming man.  And then I start feeling myself get caught in the trap of caring too much what others think--something that's driven me to stay in my marriage for as long as I have.  How will anyone believe me?

I know, at the end of the day, I need to believe in myself.  I know that's what's this whole recovery process is about.  I know that my lack of it, was why i got involved in my  marriage in the first place.  I know I'm on the right path.  It's just one of those lonely nights.  the 4th of July.  Imiss my beloved sister.  My two little boys are with their Dad in Minneapolis visiting his family.   I just needed to express.  Thanks for listening.

[Ellie]

cplummer
I hear your pain and cries. We've all been there. It's so painful when the memories flood you and you are lonely. There's no more lonely place than trying to tell someone who cannot understand our past, and they look at us as if we are crazy. It's all such a lonely planet, this world we live in, our world we have created called survival. But we all take it a minute at a time, and minutes turn into hours and hours turn into days, and somehow, we find we have survived yet another year. Hang in there. We are listening, Keep on sharing, keep getting it out.

[write]

There's still this little piece of me that creeps in from time to time and says; Caroline, was it really that bad? Couldn't you have just held it together for the boys?

oh sweetie, so many of us have been there, and isn't it the myth of marriage/ family life to deny and recreate reality....

Comfort yourself that you are truly strong and therefore unwilling to be part of the compromise that afflicts western society and weakens real relationships.

I LOVE the relationships I have created in the years since I turned my life upon its head....I love the way that they are what they are, not trying to fit a pattern...and that nothing is wrong these days...it just IS

( Byron Katie's book Loving What Is is a good book for anyone at this stage of development.
Here's the website http://thework.org/intro.html )

But some nights are lonely, sometimes we're unfulfilled...never mind; it shows we have the capacity to be filled, the ability to share of ourselves.

Also much of life shows us- we need patience.

[Max]

Caroline

I'm so sorry you are going through this.. but keep going.  I am doing it now after 28 years of marriage.  I am still getting the same questions - couldn't you hold it together for the boys at least?

Hold what?  Hold the abuse? What exactly were we supposed to hold together?

I wish I could have the 20 years back that I "held it together" that are still open for you.

Hugs

[cplummer]

I wake up to a new day, filled with sunshine and just a litte more strength--2 steps forwards...1 step...Thank you for your affirmations and for understanding my human weakness too.  As much as it hurts some days--and especially some nights or holidays when I don't have my little boys--I do so believe what all of you have said about --My life will turn around for the better!  It is alreay happenening and I can feel it.
I actually saw Byron Katie live and she was wonderful.  I need to go on her sight and order her book. Thanks for this reminder.  And Yes, I am happy to be creating in our Western society the role model (for other women and my bys) of a woman/frined/mother who is kind and loving to others, and to herself.  Have  a great day.

[bunny]

"This is all your fault!  I  will not apologize for anything!  I can't believe you are doing this to our family!  You f------bitch!  I only call you that when you deserve it!  Set the timer if you want to talk to me!  I just have all of this stuff running through my head.  I think i just need to keep working through all of these horrible memories--encounters that I tried to convince myself were ok.

On this basis alone, I would advocate leaving him for your boys. Otherwise they will think that women are abuse-tolerators, and this will affect their adult relationships. You did the right thing. It must be difficult to have a holiday weekend without your sons, but you are with a very interesting and nice person - yourself!

bunny

[write]

be who you feel you need to be!

[lynn as guest]

Wow Caroline, can I relate to your feelings.   It is so tough to refind your footing and feel confident in your new direction.  

As I look back on my marriage and try to make sense of it all.... It is amazing how your words describe my feelings... One thing that I think I understand from reading about Ns is that they are always changing things up, twisting things around so that you are confused by the situation, questioning your own self.  

I can't believe you are doing this to our family! You f------bitch! I only call you that when you deserve it! Set the timer if you want to talk to me!

 I imagine that after an episode like this one, you were left confused, shaking, wondering if you really did do something wrong.  Now, when things are difficult it may be a challenge to get those tapes to stop running in your mind.

As I proceed with this divorce, and piece by piece take apart the things in my life and divide them into one pile for him and one pile for her, I find that I continue to have compassion for my soon-to-be-xH.  That I worry about his mental stability and that I should make choices in the divorce which give him a more solid foundation.  I, too, have asked myself if it was so bad?  The tricky part, is that it was not bad all the time.  There were never wonderful moments, but when my NH would justify his behavior to me, I could buy into the argument.  He did provide for the family, care for his children....  

Caroline,  this divorce has been so difficult for me.  Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.  Then I reflect on what you describe as "feeling yourself erode away."  And I conclude that as difficult as this is, I would rather die trying, than slowly, painfully, die a little bit each day.  

You sound much happier in your second post.  I'm glad that the sun came out and you felt stronger to face your day.  You're taking the right steps,

All the best,

lynn

[BlueTopaz]

cplummer:

I loved what everyone said, and have gained some support from it as well.

Having dated someone with strong N traits in areas, I can relate to what you wrote.   Wondering why and how I could have distorted reality and seen certain things as okay.   I'm trying to get behind all that to the root of thinking/beliefs/fears that allowed it.

Like you, I also hid the reality from people.   We live hours away from my closest friends & family, so it was easy in the practical (not emotional) sense.   It was probably much harder for you, and much more stressful living this dual reality, if you and your x husband were very much part of your community amongst friends & family.    This must have been so difficult and stressful for you.

At this point, almost a year out of it, I have only spoken in generalities about it, with very few friends & about two family members.  

The way I see it, it is just impossible to relay all of the many intricacies of our relationship with N individuals, and why we remained in them so long,
to others.   I don't even understand it all myself yet!    So, on top of all else in my trying to heal, understand, and move past it, I don't want to complicate things by having to counter other's misunderstandings, deal with probing questions, or strange reactions.

For now, I have saved long discussions of the deepest truths for trusted others in a counseling environment.

Maybe someday, when I've worked it all out, I will be able to sum the whole thing up and be able to tell it in a way that others (ones I choose to discuss it with) understand quickly.  

It might be different for you in terms of pressure to explain, as you say he looked like such a nice, upstanding man, and people have commented on why you haven't stayed together.  

I don't think you owe any explanations,  if you'd rather not, that is.  You can simply say that the situation was far, far more complex than anyone realizes, and for now, it is a private issue that you are working through.  

For those close to you (i.e. family) that might ask you, you can always add on to it that maybe one day you will be able to share more of the truth with them, but right now you are trying to pick up the pieces, and heal for yourself.    

Hopefully, they will trust you, and be patient, and non judgemental.

What else can one do?    

Unless you have a very special friend or family member that you know will not judge you, & will just listen & support you, maybe sharing it with non understanding & negative others might even impede the healing process.  

"cshf" -- I wondered what that was...   I think you are doing very well at it!

My thoughts are with you, and I wish you strength.

[cplummer]

It is so interesting to me and such an "aha" as to how we can see ourselves through the mirrors of others who have gone through all of this.  We find it difficult to see it for oursleves, but when others chime is and say  "this is wrong" "you're dong the right thing" " I have lived this way too"!  What a healing experience..to finally let your secret out and still not quite believe and then have all of these amazing human beings come out of the woodwork and say;  "You're on the right path!!"  

And you are too, Lynn and Blue Topaz.  Lynn, yes, my life was eroding away month by month, year by year.  so is yours.  You are doing the right thing. Also remember, we tolerate more and more and the abuse gets worse and worse over time--so they can continue to get their power fix.  This is your future!!  More and more, worse and worse!  You are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids.

I am a Christian and I will say a prayer for each one of you and this board tonight.  Bless You.

[shixie]

Be strong Caroline, you will make it.  I have a comment from experience.  Staying together for your children is not the best reason.  My mother left my Nfather in my senior year in high school.  She too stayed as long as she did for us, her children.  If she would have left when we were small it would have prevented years of abuse on all of us.  Divorce is very traumatic at any age but I think it is harder the older the kids are.  As a senior it negatively affected my last year in school and my first year in nursing school.  I actually had to leave nursing school in the spring and delay my graduation a year, because of the stress of everything I was going through.  I was forced to live on my own at an early age and terribly mixed up about life in general.  I truley thought that dealing with the divorce of my parents and a dysfunctional family life at 18 was much more difficult and wished my mother would have left him years ago.  Children are resilient and adapt better to divorce than older ones.  Plus it spares them additional years of abuse and dysfunction.   So please don't EVER think that leaving while your boys are small was the wrong decision.  They will adjust to their parents divorce.  It will spare them years of abuse and dysfunction from your marriage.  I am not saying life will be easy for them, but at least you removed yourself from a destructive relationship.  Their relationship with him is a whole other ballgame.  You will be better prepared to help them if you are removed from the destructive relationship.  I hope this helps.
Stacey

[Anonymous]

Stacie

Thanks for your perspective.  I am trying to complete a divorce and have three boys at home.  One will be a senior this year, one a freshman and one in 6th grade.  I know moving forward is right and yet I still worry that maybe there is something else I could do.  Any sugestions for the one that is a senior?  In his case, he knows his mother doesn't love him (his words based on experiences) but I still see him trying to win her approval.

Max

[Anonymous]

Max,

What you can do:

(1) Be the one good parent they have. They will notice and appreciate it later.

(2) Be a role model.

(3) Get them into therapy if they're devastated by the divorce and are acting out.

(4) For the senior, do not try to stop him from trying to gain his mom's approval. You can't succeed there anyway. Understand his hate and love (ambivalence) toward his mother. Help him find ways to manage the disappointment.

bunny

[Max]

Bunny

Thanks for the tips.  Are you Hermione from another board?  This is the same Max from that one.