Why can’t I accept the fact that my parents were abusive?

[ann3]

I am reading a book called Healing your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel.  I have read similar books, like Safe People and Boundaries.  Most of these books say that parents condition the child to attract Ns.  The books says parents do this through shaming and blaming the child and that the child internalizes these messages so that later in life, the child become an "N magnet".  Do you think this is true?

I never realized that my parents "abused" me until I was 40, which was 3 years ago.  I thought they were strict, but loving, they would punish me, hit me, scream at me because I needed it and they said that they did it out of love, like "We wouldn't hit, scream, punish if we didn't love you".  I accepted thier reasoning until I woke up at age 40.  Now I see that they could have disciplined me in a less damaging way and much of their treatment was  not justified but,  when your'e a small child, you can't fight back (or else you are hit and punished), you're their prisoner, so you accept it.

The weird thing is that I never thought my parents abused me as a child, but I have all they symptoms of a person who was abused as a child.  Now, I'm guessing that I believed I was not abused because I accepted the way my parents treated me as 'normal' and 'necessary' because 'I deserved it' and could be troublesome to them.

[Hermes]

Hello Ann:

Yes, abusive parents can condition a child to attract an abuser in later life - this could be an N-abuser, or a non-N abuser.
 The reason being that the child assumes the "abuse",  be it emotional or physical, is a normal existence.  There is a vast amount of information on this particular topic. 
No doubt your parents could have provided discipline in a less damaging way, but very often it is a case that the parents were in turn treated like that by their own parents.  It is like a vicious circle.

There is this book:

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (Hardcover)
by Dr. Susan Forward

""All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating relationship patterns learned at home".

All the best
Hermes

[ann3]

Hello Hermes,

I have read read Toxic Parents, great book and you are correct that there is a vast amount of literature which confirms this theory.

Maybe I'm not asking the right question, maybe my question is: Why do I have so much trouble accepting all the vast literature confirming this?  Is it that my feelings of guilt won't let me accept the truth? 

Also, Why didn't I see my parents as abusers when when were abusing me and why did I fail to see them as abusers after I became an adult?

[Hermes]

I suppose, Ann, that is very difficult to accept that one's parents (who are supposed to be care-givers) could be abusive.  Also, a lot of abuse is very covert, it does not "look" like abuse.  What I mean is you don't have to beat someone into a pulp to be abusive.  It can be done in other ways: emotional, psychological and verbal abuse.

A child cannot often distinguish, and besides is helpless in the face of abuse, be it verbal or otherwise. Another thing is that the abuse does not go on for the whole 24 hours of the day.  So, there is confusion in the child's mind.

Maybe you feel guilty of feeling this way about your parents.  But the truth is the truth.  I don't know how you would feel now about discussing all this with your parents.  Then again, maybe not.  Perhaps you would like to (or already have) spoken with a psychologist about all this. 

All the best
Hermes

[ann3]

Hello Hermes,

You are a very wise woman.  Thank you for your answer.

Did you ever feel the feelings I'm describing?  Maybe I'm emotionally blind due to guilt?

[gratitude28]

Ann,
I felt much the same way until I had my own children. It is amazing to see the difference between their childhoods and mine. The know the rules. They are comfortable and happy. Thy accept consequences. They are kind and helpful.
I was fearful. I hid things. I snooped. I never felt happy - even as a child. I also would not say for ages that my parents 'abused' me. As others here pointed out, we don't have to use that term. But we can be sure they were not good parents. Please tell us more. Many will have stories to share with you and will relate to your childhood, I am sure.
Welcome, Ann.
Love, Beth

[Hermes]

Thank you Ann.  Maybe I should mention that I had very good kind parents, and did not come from the kind of abusive parenting so many of our posters have endured. Both my parents are now dead, and I miss them all the time, every day.  They were wise, strict when necessary, kind, gave me a lot of leeway, had a good balance (and believe me I was quite a spirited child LOL), and did their very best as parents.
 I had an N-spouse, so the situation is a bit different.

No, I do not suffer from guilt, in the sense you describe.  I sometimes feel I would love to have spent a lot more time with my parents.

All the best to you.
Hermes

[Ami]

Dear Ann,
  We have denial kick in, when we need it. I think that you are describing denial of your parents abuse. I have a healthy respect for denial,now. I am still in denial about my son's death. I ,only feel a small percentage of the pain, maybe 20%. The rest is buried for a time when I can let it out.
  Denial kicks in ,automatically, and is life saving. NOW, you,obviously, can face it, so you are. That is how I see it ,anyway.    Love    Ami

[Hermes]

Dear Ann:

You did not deserve any of the emotional bashing you got as a child - no child deserves that.  But of course you were made to believe it, and it takes a while to get over that.

With every respect, I think abuse should be called abuse, and brought right out into the open.  Euphemisms have a bad habit of watering down the perception of the abuse.

All the best to you.
Hermes

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Ann,

I never thought of my parents as being neglectful or abusive until after marrying npd-ex.
It's as though that man expressed all of the condemnation and envious spite which I'd always sensed from my mother... but in her silence, she'd kept it under wraps.
Well, he let it all fly at me, loose and unrestrained - all the projection and blame-shifting and criticism and nit-picking and sabotaging -  and oh, especially the shunning and abandonment - with the bottom line message always coming through to me as, "you need me in order to be alright - alone, you are hopelessly insufficient."  
The theme of his story was the same old familiar one from childhood - "do it my way or you are garbage."

Coming out of that mess, once the fog cleared, I finally had a chance (and good reason!) to question just exactly why the whole abusive scenario felt so familiar to me!

Maybe for some of us it just takes a shock to be startled out of so many years of denials, Ann? I mean, apparently our former way of looking at things did work for us, for a time... after all, that was all we knew. Maybe it's as we age and begin to slow down physically that we are more inclined to look within and question these things?  For me, it was a combination of events, but primarily this short (3-year) marriage to a pathological, malignant narcissist. All I can say is - let's don't stew over how long it took, just be glad to have awakened!

It really is so very disorienting. If these people are not who I always thought they were, then who am I?
And if I'm honest with myself about the neglectful/abusive way in which my parents' raised me, then... well, then I must face the deeper issues of forgiveness and release, which is alot more painful than just saying, "aw, it really wasn't so bad."
I thought I'd come out of it all fairly okay, remarrying after npd-ex and all... continuing to raise my children... but there was still more to uncover and purge... and it goes all the way back to the beginning. NPD-ex was only a symptom of a much deeper problem.
So, this really is a mountain that can't be gone around...  just gotta keep on marching right on over the top.

Seeking those straight paths...

with love,
Carolyn


 

[write]

because maybe they weren't abusive- to them I mean. A child hasn't yet fully formed a reality, so if the adults say something is normal or acceptable he/she has no choice but to believe it, even against all evidence. If the parents truly believed- as so many parents still do- that violence or witholding were useful even necessary you the child have got a foot in each reality, but they are the ones who are more powerful and who you depend on for love and shelter....so you given up your own position and adopt theirs...

For many of us here that has been the unlearning experience- we are no longer the helpless child who has to accept another's reality now, but a capable adult with ability and agency.

There is still the trauma and grieving to get through but once you stand firmly in your own reality and know 'this is my authentic experience' not only are you healing but you will prevent other patterns of abuse forming which come from the doublethink which such an impossible childhood situation engenders.

Welcome!

~Write

[ann3]

Thank you all so much my friends for your wisdom.

I'm about to go out, but you all just enabled me to have a light bulb Flash :  Maybe if I accept and acknowledge the abuse, then I will have to re-think my entire identity, because I must acknowledge that I didn't have the idealic childhood that my parents told me I had, so I was never the child I thought I was.  So, if I was not the child I thought I was, then I am also not the adult I thought I was prior to becoming aware of the abuse.

So, if I accept that there was abuse, I must question my entire identity because I was not the child/person who I thought I was?  Maybe I'm afraid to accept that there was abuse because then I will have to re-evalute my identity and find out who I really am???

Must dash, will return later, thank you all and bless you all

[Certain Hope]

Exactly, Ann... that has been my own dilemma, at least... thank you for expressing it better than I could!

Enjoy your outing!

Carolyn

[Violet]

Ann3, hi....

I have been protecting my dad and covering for him for over 50 years.  My Nmom made his life a living hell and he could never stand up to her, so I took care of his emotions and always came to his rescue.  I hated her for how she treated him.  He died a broken, pathetic alcoholic. 

Why am I just now getting to the point where I am looking at the stuff HE did to me, with a bit of objectivity, instead of making excuses for him:
beatings with belts, even if you were innocent, opening the bathroom door and staring while child on toilet and taunting and laughing and pointing, making me run a gauntlet naked while taunting, laughing, pointing; screaming and cursing upon the slightest infraction of the rules, drinking to drunkenness every night after work (oh, HE was not an alcoholic, he went to work everyday!), swearing and using such foul language I was too ashamed to bring any friends home, getting me drunk at age 13 and telling me all the horrible experiences he had in WWII, the list goes on....  HOW, HOW can I be over age 50, with a college degree and just NOW be getting it????   Somebody please tell me how come I am so blind???  No wonder I have had so many issues with trust....  Violet 
PS Sorry about the ranting tone, everyone....   

[teartracks]

Dear Ann3,

Identity - yes.  A new one start to finish.  You will experience the worst of times and the best of times because of the reliving and the reconstructing.  Been there, done that or I should say doing that.  From one whose been there and is doing that, just remember to search for the highest quality recovery/therapy you can find.  I did it alone, I barely survived. 

Sincerely,

tt
PS  Love the wisdom and transparency you've brought to the board.  Thank you so much.