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pregnant and confused

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ellen:
Wow- Thank you everyone. What occured between my first posting and now is that I realized that a pregnancy announcement is something that you do to SHARE JOY, with people you love and who love you back.

When I was feeling pressured to call my mom and sis, this was coming from a place of tribalism and obligation, not wanting to share my heart with them. Now that I see that, I don't feel like a weirdo anymore not telling them. Our tribal system (family) is pretty broken, so for me to do so would be running to feed the narcissists again, telling because thats what you do, and I've done that wayyyy to many times growing up and even in adulthood. Isn't is weird how programming makes us keep running back to the narcissists in our lives, trying to please them over and over? Maybe its just me, but that was the pattern until several years ago. I try not to think about it, but its odd that I don't tell my family but the sushi chef knows.

As for my husband, things keep vaccillating. Two nights ago, he finally put his hand on my belly and talked to them- I was so happy I cried. Now today he is annoyed talking about the subject, but was so lovely to me yesterday when I had severe morning sickness. He massaged me and stroked me etc. without me asking until I fell asleep. He doesn't share feelings until they have passed- a product of his childhood because of his own nutty mom.

I'm hoping that when he goes to an ultrasound it was all seem real to him and he will start to bond with them. Its weird how he is acting because the whole thing was discussed, planned, and paid for. i do know he has a lot of fear and maybe overwhelment. He's eating as if he''s the pregnant one!

What I'm wondering about is if pregnancy brought up issues for anyone about their own mothers (you know, lack of). Its been weird knowing she is alive but not there, and I have moments of grief that I don't have that person who is so excited for me like a normal mother is. How did you guys deal with that? I feel like I'm teaching myself a foreign language (in this case, proper parenting), and that can feel empowering but overwhelming too.

el123:
ellen, Congratulations on your pregnancy!  

With all three of our babies, my H was busting to tell people right just like your H.  But, ultimately, it's about how you feel.  If it's going to stress you out *in any way* then it's not a good idea.  

About your H pressuring you to abort one of your babies:  Reading this literally almost made me sick for how you must be feeling.  I can tell you from experience that first time dads can act rather irrationally, it's not just the pregnant woman acting 'hormonal'.  My H gained right along with me, was emotional, had back pain, etc. right along with me.  Please trust your own instincts.  You want both babies *for a reason*.  You WILL absolutely be able to handle twins.  Aborting one may well be something that he and you may regret for the rest of your lives.   His "lifestyle" is going to change be it one, two or six kids.  Having twins really isn't much different than one child born.  All of your love goes to the child either way.  Either way you give all that you have.  I have quite a few friends who have twins, even one with triplets and they all say the same thing:  The babies synchronize so that they usually sleep, eat, etc. at the same times.  If your H can handle one child, he can handle two.  I thought that there would be absolutely no way that I could handle a third child when I got pregnant (using birth control).  My second child was still an infant when baby #3 came along.   I cried for like a month straight when I found out that I was pregnant.  I thought that there is absolutely *no way* that I could handle three kids all under the age of five.  I was overwhelmed to begin with.  But now I cannot imagine life without all three of the most precious gems this world has to offer.  Really, they are *all* going to be unbelieveably special to you.  Your H will love them both.  I promise you this, Ellen (my name too!)


--- Quote ---What I'm wondering about is if pregnancy brought up issues for anyone about their own mothers
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Yes, pregnancy *absolutely, most definately* brings up issues about your own mother.  This I feel secure in stating is a given in pregnancy.  Expect more of the issues to surface.  This is all a part of being pregnant.  


--- Quote ---I feel like I'm teaching myself a foreign language (in
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this case, proper parentingIt is very hard to deal with

This is exactly what it was like for me as well with a N mom and N mother in law.  I've come to see it as a blessing, though.  It has helped me to forge my own unique path as a mother and not blindly follow in the footsteps of my mother.

Something that has helped me tremendously and I've heard others speak about in this forum is something called The Work by Byron Katie.  It helps you to cope in what appears to be impossible or very trying circumstances.  I've tried it all (therapy, etc.) but this is better.  It really works!
-E

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