More Anger

[Gabben]

Ami,

Another thought,

God does not hold you or your husband responsible for Scott's death. God does not condemn you or your husband for Scott's death.

With love,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear GS and Lise,
  I did reach out to my H, today, as a friend. I cannot talk about Scott with him , though.I can give human caring  and warmth to him,but cannot discuss specifics .
  I CAN  give kindness , though, and I am doing that. We found a good counselor  for each person,in the family. She will be coming to the Messianic Synagogue in March and we can meet with her , each day, for a week ,if we need to. My friend, the Rabbi's wife, had a huge healing of FOO issues by just one session( a long one) with this lady.
  My friend said that it was very life changing.So, again, an answer seemed to present itself to me, about counseling.Thanks for caring and all your support, GS and Lise.                    Ami
 

[Gaining Strength]

You don't have to talk to him about Scott. 

I'm so glad that you are talking to him and supporting him in other ways.  The most important thing is what you are doing in your own heart and not so much what you do in regard to someone else such as your husband.  I find it easier to do this when the person I do not want to be around is not there.  I try to practise this and then I try to apply it when they are present (maybe not very successfully) but it is in working on it that I begin to get some freedom from the emotional tie. 

I am sharing this with you because I believe in this on a very deep level.  I am convinced that my history of hardened heart towards close family members is part of what is keeping me stuck.  I hope profound healing for you as you grieve so deeply.  I am writing this - even though I know it cannot be pleasant to hear, because I don't want you to have a hardened heart.  I want you to be free.  You can be separated from someone by distance, death or divorce and still be emotionally bound to them.  I think many here might recognize this.  I strongly believe that in finding healing for those places in our lives where we were deeply wounded and developed resentment and harbored hatred is the best way towards becoming who we were meant to be.  It is not from distancing ourselves and closing the door on those who cause us emotional pain but it is through working through it whether that person is near or far.  The point is to find a way to detach from them emotionally. 

That is what I hope for you and what I hope for me.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I hear what you are saying and I agree that bitterness is a bondage. You are right that we have to be "clear" vessels in order to be whole.
 For right now, I will be as kind and compassionate ,as possible toward my H. He  is a prisoner  of his unexamined FOO issues, as I was ,and probably still am, in ways . God Forbid, I would be  a party to him  hurting himself---either by omission or co-mission. I have to know that I acted with love and kindness, to the best of my ability. I will start, NOW.              Love   Ami

[Ami]

I am trying to be kind b/c if anything happens to my H,I want to know that *I* acted with love, to the best of my ability. However, my H IS trying to engage me in arguments, maybe as a way not to feel his own pain, I am not sure, All I can do is what is right, from my side, and I AM  doing that.
 I will keep doing that and I have a peace about my actions, so far.
 I will try to keep acting with love . When I fall down, which I may, I will apologize . At the end of each day, I want to know that *I* acted kindly.That is all I can do,as I see it.         Ami

[Hermes]

Dear Ami:

I admire you so much, I think you are going through this awful time with so much grace, and insight.  I don't know how you do it, in the midst of your suffering.

Wishing you the best in all things
Hermes

[Ami]

You are SO sweet, Hermes. Your words felt so good to me. I can't tell you how soothing they were. Thank you so much.        Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

"God Forbid, I would be  a party to him  hurting himself---either by omission or co-mission. I have to know that I acted with love and kindness, to the best of my ability. I will start, NOW."


Yeah.  I think this is right Ami.  It is especially your heart you must protect.  You must protect yourself without harming him.  When he is manipulative then perhaps you can withdraw or put an invisible shield around yourself for protection.  Protect yourself without spewing hatred toward him.  A difficult task but so important for your wounded heart.

[Ami]

Oh GS,
 I have made a commitment to myself and AM keeping it. I will not be the source of more pain for him. Today, he tried to fight with me and I would not engage..
 I want to know that I acted in love ,to the best of my ability.
 I am being honest about not wanting to talk about Scott and honest that I have anger toward him, right now, but I am  not engaging in any fights , at all.
   A fight does not occur with one person, so there are no fights.
  I am at peace with this,GS.
  I am not my H's judge or anyone's .
 I just want to be free from my part of adding to my H's pain and grief.
 Thank you, GS, for all your help. Just knowing you are there is a big comfort.       Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

 Today, he tried to fight with me and I would not engage.

That's the way to do it Ami.  How did that feel?



   A fight does not occur with one person, so there are no fights.
 
That is right - it is not possible.

[Leah]

(((((( GS ))))) and  ((((( Ami ))))))

Love, peace and joy, to you both.

Leah x

[Ami]

Dear GS and Leah,
  I am at peace with my relationship with my H.*I*  know that *I* am acting kindly and I am at peace with it. I am seeing that you can only "control" your side of a relationship, not the outcome, or the other person's perceptions.
 There is a peace in choosing how you will act and acting kindly, no matter if the other person wants to push your buttons. Your buttons are YOURS and that is a huge life lesson.
  I  want to transfer that lesson to other life areas. I see,from this situation,the lesson that Al Anon was trying to teach----detachment with love.
                                                  Ami

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

That is so right, and true, we can only control ourselves, in taking ownership and responsibility, for our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, behaviours.  Others, are simply out of our control, as that's where they belong, with themselves, alone.


Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future

by Dr Henry Cloud, is a good book (supported with scripture).

This book focuses on four developmental tasks -- bonding to others, separating from others, integrating good and bad in our lives, and taking charge of our lives -- that all of us must accomplish, to heal our inner pain and to enable us to function and grow emotionally and spiritually.


Review extract .......... there is some real wisdom in this book. The pages on "separating good and bad" are priceless.


http://www.amazon.com/Changes-That-Heal-Understand-Healthier/dp/0310214637/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/105-4889724-2531641


Love to you,

Leah