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Michelle:
Hi Flower -

I am at the exact point as you on the subject of the "mother" voice inside.  I am just now getting to the point where I can actually distinguish the "bad" voice (her) from the "good" voice (me).  Bad/Good can also be seen as unhealthy/healthy I guess too.  I think the first step is to recognize it and nip it right then.  When I think an unhealthy or degrading thought, I am trying to AUTOMATICALLY follow it up with a healthier / more loving / nurturing thought.  Just today I was reading a really neat book that had an idea that I just loved in it.  I immediately thought, "Well, I could never do that though the kids keep me way too busy".  I realized at that instant that the voice was my mothers.  I can't remember HOW many times I heard her say those words to her peers or anyone that would listen.  Not to mention that she would say it to us ALL the time:  "I don't have time for anything because you keep me too busy".  I think all this ties into the whole reparenting / retraining philosophy of thought.  I feel like I am just in the beginning of this stage but already have found it to be very enlightening!  I am much more aware of my thoughts.  

Hope this helps - sorry to ramble!   :lol:

Would also love to hear any insight on your part - if not now, as you progress down this road.  

Also - good to see you back.  I missed you!

Love, Michelle

flower:
Michelle, Thanks for the welcome back!

I'd love to share some insights
------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

------------------------------------------------------------
Liked your post on getting anger out.  :)
 
Luv ya!
Philippians 4:8   :wink:

les:
Ah flower - boy I connect with what you say on various posts.

"I'm even feeling like I'm her"  I often have a sense that I need an excorsism (maybe some spelling lessons too!)

I am reading a book right now that may be of some use about letting go of thoughts that cause stress and why we hang on to the same thoughts year after stubborn year.  When I can sum it up I'll post again.

Les

Max:
Ellie

I understand the difficulty in expressing anger.  I thought anger was always wrong.  If it sneaked out, I figured I was to blame and would give in on whatever had caused me to be angry.  I made a great doormat.  

I can't say I have solved the problem completely but I have improved.

Here is what I did.  

1 - I gave myself permission to be angry.  I had to tell myself that it was illogical that I could give others permission to be angry, but not myself.  I had to tell myself over and over, that when I am stepped on by the N or anyone else, it's ok to say ouch.  Their reaction to me (i.e. your husband putting you down for expressing anger or feelings) is irrelevant and is to be ignored.

2.  - I decided to set some fairly simple boundaries. (but a big step for me).  I conciously determined some boundaries that I was entitled to.  That way, I knew logically and clearly that it was ok to be angry when those boundaries were crossed. I didn't have to think if it was ok to be angry or not.  If someone told me that I didn't have that right- I already knew they were wrong.  Its sort of like building a fence around your yard.  If you have the fence up and your next door neighbor decides to start digging up your backyard, you know it's ok to call the police and have them arrested for trespass.  And it would be ok to be angry and idignant about it too.

3 -I made myself not apologize for being angry when the boundary was violated.  In the past, if I had shown anger, I always felt guilty and apologized.  I am a Christian, and that is part of why I thought I shouldn't get angry.  I thought I should always forgive.  Well I've learned forgiving does not require that we be stupid and allow others to continue hurting us.  We don't have to go back for the same insane treatment.  Wrong anger is what they do to us.  Raging at us because we have feelings and express them for example.

I didn't get this from a book - I just figured it out. It has helped me a lot - hope it helps you.

A book that did help me was - "Nasty People, How  to deal with them without becoming one of them" By J Carter.  I am a nice person, I think part of the fear of establishing boundaries was the fear that I would become a mean person.  One can be angry without being mean.

Max :wink:

flower:
Les, I appreciate your posts too!

   Makes a person wonder how common it is to feel like or feel haunted by an N.
  The book sounds interesting!


Max,

   I appreciate your post on anger and boundaries.  It was helpful to get confirmation of what I have been learning and you put it very well. Our immeditate family has been learning together about healthy boundaries.

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