NON-SamV NPD info

[Certain Hope]

Leah, you're welcome.

******************

This material is important to me because I believe that being raised by a woman who overflows with bitterness and envy does leave a lasting mark on a child, long into adulthood.

When the child of a bitter, envious parent interacts with others, I believe that she needs to not only guard her own heart, but also to search her own heart for remnants of those negative, sinful qualities within.

Speaking for myself, it is helpful to me to take my eyes, my focus, off of what my mother or father are and to cleanse my own mind (as God has done my spirit) from this rubbish.

Carolyn

[Leah]

I do understand the work you are doing, Carolyn

Truly I do,

Every blessing in your walk.

Leah x

[Certain Hope]

To continue, from
A.M. Cooper's Further developments in the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder

The patients, like the public at large, may see only the final defensive inhibitory behaviors
and perceive themselves as shy and unassertive,
unable to obtain what rightfully they deserve. 
Often, the first hint of their underlying grandiosity comes when one realizes that adolescent types of daydreams of being heroic and acclaimed have persisted into adult life with unusual intensity and frequency.

  These individuals often think of themselves as  perfectionists  . . . their fantasy of what they ought to be or produce is so inflated and grandiose that no actual product ever meets their internal standard. 

This discrepancy between unconscious fantasy and reality leads to further guilt and
merciless attack from the conscience for not meeting self-set standards
as well as to feelings of worthlessness concurrent with grandiosity. 

These individuals often come to the attention of psychiatrists because of the depression and sense of inner deadness that they experience, as nothing in the world matches the thrill of triumphant achievement that they imagine is due them.

[Certain Hope]

A Covert/Shy Narcissist will have grandiose fantasies but will also be plagued by a feeling of unworthiness and thus shame for even having fantasized about his or her greatness. This type of narcissist is likely to be characterized by an incapacity to sustain ambitions or to pursue even attainable goals with full dedication, yielding to others rewards that he or she may legitimately deserve.  The final result is often significant masochistic self-damage, self-pity, feelings of hurt, and depression.

While feeling they deserve to be recognized for their specialness,
unlike the Arrogant/Overt Narcissist, the Covert/Shy Narcissist is plagued by self-doubts
and thus does not as readily seek the affirmation from others he or she believes is due. 

Moreover, because of this strong sense of worthlessness, this type of narcissist often will not seek out appropriate friends or romantic partners, because they fear exposure as frauds.

For this reason their associates tend to be conspicuously inferior to themselves. 
Cooper observes that this narcissist, secretly harbors fantasies that he or she is engaged in a heroic rescue of someone of lesser capabilities

  And, when their friends and associates offer praise, the Shy/Covert Narcissist believes that this admiration is phony and insincere. 

They tend to devote a considerable amount of time ruminating over the unfairness of how little their true worth is appreciated and how others get the recognition for things that they themselves did.

[Certain Hope]

For someone with narcissistic tendencies, her focus is principally upon the self rather than on others. 

A person with healthy strong self-regard will not only have his or her best interests at heart,
but will have a concern that the rights and needs of others are met as well. 

In contrast to this ability to also take into account the needs of others as well as one's own, is the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), who is first and foremost self-directed.

Normal Narcissistic Type:  self-assured and competitive
 
Non-pathological narcissism is defined as the way in which a person relates to others
and focuses on the issues of self-esteem and the ways in which an individual maintains the stability of their sense of self.

 For someone with narcissistic tendencies, the focus is principally upon the self rather than on others. 
What is referred to as "normal" narcissism is seen as an expression of self-preservation, self-regard, self- assertiveness with normal levels of entitlement and competitiveness, and competitiveness that includes an appropriate level of empathy and compassion.


from
Narcissistic personality disorder, by E. Ronningstam

****************************************************


 According to Stone, appropriate self-regard and self-evaluation also mean that one's sense of worth is accurate,
such that one aims, occupationally, neither below nor above one's capacities
and, romantically, neither above nor below one's approximate ranking in the hierarchy of potential mates.    (hmm...)


from Normal narcissism, by M. Stone

*****************************************************

[Certain Hope]

Just beyond the range of  average or normal narcissism is something Stone labels "heightened self-regard",
 which he accounts for as follows: 

In certain common life situations and various occupations, optimal performance seems to require a heightening of self-regard
or an exaggerated sense of indestructibility
that goes beyond the normal yet is adaptive to one's circumstances.
For example, men with  "low harm avoidance" and an exaggerated sense of invulnerability are those more likely, in wartime, to storm the enemy's machine gun nest and to become heroes (dead or alive), preserving, if not their own lives, at least those of their comrades.
  Stone also finds this level of heightened self-regard/self-confidence to be an intrinsic component of effective leaders.


Perhaps one way to look at the difference between these non-pathological forms of narcissism and the pathological variety that expresses itself as Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the absence of enlightened self-interest in the pathological narcissism. 
Enlightened self-interest can best be characterized as a frame of mind in which the person acts and thinks with regard to the needs of others, not from purely selfless reasons but rather because it is realized that by doing good for others the person can also derive positive gain for the self. 
In contrast to this ability to also take into account the needs of others as well as one's own, is the person with NPD, who is first and foremost self-directed.

Millon describes the personal style of the normal narcissistic person as being competitive and self-assured:  

An interpersonal boldness, stemming from a belief in themselves and their talents, characterizes these persons. 
Competitive, ambitious, and self-assured, they naturally assume positions of leadership, act in a decisive and unwavering manner, and expect others to recognize their special qualities and cater to them. 
Beyond being self-confident, they are audacious, clever, and persuasive, having sufficient charm to win others over to their own causes and purposes.
 Problematic in this regard may be their lack of social reciprocity and their sense of entitlement - their assumption that what they wish for is their due.  On the other hand, their ambitions often succeed, and they typically prove to be effective leaders.

In contrast, pathological narcissism - Narcissistic Personality Disorder - is a state in which self-esteem is disturbed and regulated through a distorted self-structure with a pathological grandiose self which requires the individual to protect and boulster their self-esteem through maladaptive defensive means. 
 It has been variously defined as - "activities aiming at maintaining cohesiveness and stability of the self-representations"

from Identifying criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, by E. Ronningstam

[Certain Hope]

Some people have a strange attitude to reality.
Whenever it is inconvenient, painful or contradicts their idea of themselves, they avoid it, ignore it, or edit it to suit.

Some people don’t take reality seriously; they see no need to adhere to facts if fantasy and evasions feel better.
Some support their need to see themselves as superior by adjusting reality to enhance themselves, by denying anything negative, shifting blame, exaggerating things that show them in a good light and ignoring the less flattering,
by refashioning and reforming their memory.
They are adept at conjuring alibis and excuses and turning shortcomings or failures into assets.
If they fail an exam for example, it is because the teacher hates them, the paper made no sense, or the subject is useless and doesn’t interest them, rather than because they didn’t study.

Some people manage problems by ignoring them (in the hope that they will go away or resolve themselves)
or by distracting themselves so they don’t have to think about them, or by passing them on to someone else.
They refuse to face problems because in their fantasy world people like them. They think of themselves as god-like, the centre of the world and other people’s lives, without problems.

Some narcissists see no need to plan, take precautions, or be careful in any way because nothing bad can happen to them.
They are often so unrealistically optimistic they assume they have a guardian angel or the midas-touch to the point that anything they attempt will be a success. Believing that nothing can go wrong for them, they are naturally stunned when the business they have bled dry goes bankrupt, they get sick after years of abusing their body, after avoiding the dentist for twenty years their teeth ache, or their wife divorces them after years of neglect.

Narcissists, especially, can be infuriatingly illogical.
Unless they deliberately intended to hurt someone, they will vehemently deny that they are ever unfair, abusive, or even violent.
If they didn’t intend harm then no one has the right to see their behaviour as harmful.
I once asked a young man I knew who was always in trouble, drinking, fighting, taking drugs, why he was being so self-destructive.
I expected him to consider the question but instead he was furious.
There was nothing self-destructive about him, he informed me, he was just having fun, and who did I think I was anyway, to question him. Because he was not deliberately trying to damage himself, he couldn’t accept that his behaviour could be self-destructive.

The narcissist can be self-righteous because he never admits to faults, mistakes or any base motives.

So he rarely suffers self-reproach or sees a need to change.
He denies things such as greed, jealousy, malice, or foolhardiness, and so such things are never recognized, managed or controlled which makes them all the more insidious.
A person who accepts that jealousy, for example, is part of her makeup, is more likely to keep it in check than someone who is oblivious to it.

Some people “forget” or deny their mistakes, bad behaviour, things they said, or - if it suits their purpose - what they did or believed yesterday. Much like an infant, they have no reality outside themselves so they cannot understand any point of view but their own.
So they distort the truth and manipulate reality to suit their self-image and to extract from life the things they want.

Some people also have an amplified sense of time so that the present feels as though it lasts much longer than they can ever imagine the future being.
So to them, current happenings are far more important than any possible, distant, future adverse consequences.
They never see their behaviour in the context of tomorrow, next week, next year.
They may hardly even notice the passage of time and seem unaware that things change with time.
Many narcissists especially, seem to be stuck in a time warp, dressing and acting much younger than they are, and believing they look much younger than their age. Narcissists are often accused of never growing up.

http://www.ultimate-self.com/optional-reality/

[Certain Hope]

http://hackvan.com/pub/stig/etext/psychology/narcissism--a-nine-headed-hydra.htm

Article defines 9 varieties of N'ism - also listed in brief here:  http://www.n-courage.net/types.htm

The Craver

The Craver has plenty of love to give but it is always given with strings attached; i.e. I'll give you 'x' but there is a, usually non-verbal, message demanding that you give something back in return. As with all people with Narcissistic Personalities the Craver has a great fear of abandonment and clings to those (s)he relates with and his/her needs can never be satisfied.
 
  Special Lover

The Special Lover is a romantic at heart and idealizes his/her capacity for loving.  He/she believes that love can cure all ills. As with all idealization eventually it breaks down and there is deep disappointment.  The internal world of the Special Lover is especially vulnerable and sensitive to slights, real or imagined. There is also a high level of intolerance to imperfections in the partner.
 
   
Martyr

Suffering is glorified by the martyr,
(s)he is a victim and tells the world about it unceasingly. Personal identity is the pain which is never in the past but always in the present.  These people want care and support and will exploit others in order to get this. Grandiosity is bound up with this position: no-one else has ever suffered as I suffer and relationships are formed with someone else who needs to be needed and is exploited to provide narcissistic supplies. This is a covert way of controlling other people.

 Fantasy Maker

The Fantasy Maker has retreated into a world of his/her own creation that has a greater or lesser correlation with the real world. The internal world of fantasy is a defence against the pain and anguish of reality and is avoided at all costs because it is cold and harsh. These people rarely take responsibility for themselves so are unable to form a therapeutic relationship.
Also, they have a very loose relationship with the truth distorting it to suit themselves whenever they are threatened. Lies may be difficult to detect.
 
   
Body Shaper

Image, fashion, glamour, youth and beauty characterise the body shaper and these attributes must be admired.  This kind of beauty is only 'skin deep' and the ageing process is often denied. The internal world is usually empty and bleak, their relationships are often shallow, and they can be very demanding of others.

 Power Broker

Power is the goal for the Broker... he is in love with it. He bullies, humiliates and terrorizes his victims and is arrogant, cold and bureaucratic.  He is contemptuous to inferiors and he lives without considering the consequences of his acts to other people. He is out to get what he wants when he wants it by any means.
 
   
Rager

A barely controlled rage lies below the surface of this Narcissistic structure and lashes out when the narcissism is dented. Explosive rage can be irrational and it is often accompanied by violence. This type can be very controlling and abusive in relationships when (s)he cannot get his/her own way.  It would not be an exaggeration to say that 'All hell breaks loose' and the word 'tantrum' is appropriate.
 
Trickster

The Trickster is a charmer and is at ease in a wide range of social situations. He is smooth, engaging and inviting.  He invites people to trust him but underneath the seemingly innocuous facade is the 'con-artist' who seeks out those who are naive and trusting and is ruthless in relationships.  He has a malicious intent and a right of entitlement: the ends justify the means and he is incapable of remorse.
 

The Rescuer

This is the virtuous one who takes the 'high moral ground' in relationships. Their presentation to the world is that of virtuousity and these people appear to be kind and considerate. They try too hard in relationships and may be a result of being a parentified childin a dysfunctional family.  He/she finds it easier to give than to receive.
 

[Certain Hope]

http://www.zimbio.com/Narcissistic+personality+disorder/articles/14/Pathological+Narcissism+Spiritual+Disorder


Pathological Narcissism - A Spiritual Disorder    Pt. 1

by Dr. Maria Hsia Chang, Professor
Political Science, University of Nevada

The NPD Syndrome
At the core of the NPD syndrome is the construction of a false self as a way to cope with the external world by compensating for the individual’s feelings of insecurity and uncertainty of identity.. Like its namesake, the mythic Narcissus who is in love with his reflection in water, the self that the narcissist loves is not her real self, but a false self that is grandiose, perfect, and superior. The particular basis of the grandiosity is what the narcissist loves herself for. That varies according to the individual, and may be physical beauty, intellect, talent, power, etc. As a consequence, psychologists divide narcissists into two types: the somatic and the cerebral. The former are those whose narcissism is focused on their bodies; the latter are those who have a grandiose conception that they have a superior intellect.

I would add a third type: the spiritual narcissist. These are those who ooze with false piety, having a false conception of themselves as supremely virtuous.

Regardless of the particular basis of grandiosity, the narcissist strives to maintain and protect that false self at all costs. In effect, the grandiose false self acts like the center of a wheel, to which are affixed the spokes. The latter are the syndromatic attributes of NPD, which function to protect and maintain the grandiose false self. The constellation of attributes is not accidental because there is a functional reason for the various attributes. This is the underlying logic that accounts for the syndrome.

Together with the APA’s DSM IV criteria, those "spokes" may constitute a particularly malignant form of narcissism.

They include the following attributes
Using people—even supposed loved ones—as tools of self-aggrandisement to affirm and maintain the false self. The narcissist is hollow inside and derives her sense-of-self from seeing her reflection in the eyes of others. The psychological literature calls this "mirroring": the narcissist mainly uses other people as a mirror to reflect her grandiose self-conception. Like a vampire who must feed on others’ blood in order to live, the narcissist feeds on other people’s love, approval, admiration, and compliments. Once the source is sucked dry, the narcissist no longer has use of that person and will abruptly and mercilessly cast him/her aside.

To lure people into her web, the successful narcissist puts on an attractive social mask. She can be charming, gracious, socially adept, even obsequious. She must also be a consummate actor, skilled at simulating the whole range of human emotions, especially those of love, compassion, and kindness. The more successful she is at simulation, the greater her circle of friends and acquaintances who function as her primary and secondary feeding sources.

More than to lure people into her web, the narcissist’s charming social mask also conceals the false self from scrutiny. Concealment requires secrecy, evasion, dishonesty, and lying. In effect, the narcissist is a consummate pathological liar, i.e., she habitually lies, even about seemingly trivial, inconsequential matters.

Using other people as her "bloodbank" requires that the narcissist be a human emotional radar. The successful narcissist is psychologically astute and shrewd so that she can "size up" everyone she encounters for their potential to be her blood-donor.

Cynically using other people also requires that the narcissist be lacking in empathy. Do not be fooled by her simulations at empathy. A good experiment is for you to withhold your approval and compliments. You will discover that, overnight, the narcissist has lost her kindness and even simple civility.

The maintenance and protection of the false self also requires the narcissist to be constantly vigilant against being "attacked" by others. This is why the narcissist overreacts with rage and humiliation to any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or trivial the perceived criticism.

As the saying goes, "the best defense is offense." More than reacting with rage to criticisms, the narcissist attacks the critic. This is called scapegoating--projecting one’s own faults (what Carl Jung called our "shadow") onto another person, and blaming the other for the narcissist’s own inadequacies. The narcissist is very skilled at this.

The false self must be impervious, which requires the narcissist to resist self-examination and introspection. Doing so would open the narcissist to reality-based assessment--a dangerous undertaking because the false self is, by definition, unreal. As a consequence, instead of the insecurities of normal human beings, the narcissist exhibits an impassive and uncritical acceptance of herself.

The inability or unwillingness to be introspective, in turn, results in cognitive dissonance, cognitive gaps, and non sequiturs. Trying to engage a narcissist in serious dialogue--especially about herself or her beliefs and values--can be a disconcerting experience because nothing she says makes sense.

[Certain Hope]

Pathological Narcissism - A Spiritual Disorder     Pt. 2    http://www.zimbio.com/Narcissistic+personality+disorder/articles/14/Pathological+Narcissism+Spiritual+Disorder


Since the false self is superior and grandiose, it needs no one. The narcissist dreads becoming dependent on others, but asserts and clings to an exaggerated independence. Since her love of herself is all-consuming, she is incapable of love and emotional commitments to other people. This is why the narcissist reacts to sincere declarations of love (verbal or in the form of behavior, such as significant gifts) by emotionally distancing herself and, in some cases, outright abandonment--because she is unable to reciprocate that commitment.

In effect, the narcissist’s grandiose self-conception makes her a god unto herself. Gods are not subject to the morality that governs lesser beings--"rules don’t apply to me." The narcissist refuses to subscribe to society’s moral rules and ethical standards. Instead, morality is subjective: "Nobody can judge me." One NPD I know exhibited this trait when she blithely received the Holy Eucharist (believed by Catholics to be the actual body of Christ) in Mass--although she is not Catholic. Another NPD, a former student of mine, responded with rage to my critique of his essay-exam, which garnered a respectable "B" grade, insisting that he was not subject to the grammatical rules of the English language.

Lacking an abstract universal system of moral codes--and being cognitively impaired--the narcissist lives in a world of feelings and sensations: "What’s good is that which makes me feel good." Narcissists tend to wallow in cheap "feel good" sentiments. • Since the false self is grandiose and perfect, relationship problems are never the fault of the narcissist. She blames everyone, but herself. This also means that narcissists do not ever apologize or admit that they are wrong or at fault. Instead, they will always subtly, if not blatantly, turn things around to blame you.

All of this means that narcissists do not, as a rule, seek therapy. In the few cases that do, it is because their problems have become so serious that they cannot be ignored (e.g., divorce, drug abuse, job loss, imprisonment). Even then, the narcissist resists therapy and is likely to blame the therapist (scapegoating!) and flee from treatment.

Psychologists say that, in their quiet moments, NPDs know that they are not really as grandiose as they pretend:

When NPDs cynically use others to "feed" their false self, they know it.

When they overreact to perceived criticisms, they know what the truth is.

When they lie to conceal their inadequacies, they have chosen to deceive.

When they scapegoat others, they do so with deliberation.

When they refuse to apologize, they know they are in the wrong.

All of which means that free will is fully engaged in this so-called "disorder."


In effect, the NPD is more than a mental sickness. Pathological narcissism is not some noxious virus or bacteria that overtakes a person. Whatever the early childhood experiences, free will is still operative here. Rather, NPD is a moral disorder, because it is immoral to lie and to use, exploit, blame, and hurt others.

More than immoral, NPD is, at its foundation, a spiritual blight. Since the false self of the narcissist is extremely grandiose, she excludes herself from the moral norms that govern "lesser" beings: "rules don’t apply to me." That makes NPDs their own gods. In so doing, they are in denial of the fundamentally flawed nature of all human beings.


Decrying the ills that he saw rampant in modern society--the relativization of all moral norms and the reduction of life to the immediate pursuit of material gain without regard to its general consequences--VaÇlav Havel observed that "Given its fatal incorrigibility, humanity will have to go through many more Rwandas and Chernobyls before it understands how unbelievably short-sighted a human being can be who has forgotten that he is not God."

It is the misdiagnosis of pathological narcissism as a "personality disorder" instead of a moral-spiritual condition which accounts for psychiatrists’ characterization of it as "one of the most . . . difficult-to-treat conditions in the lexicon of mental illness.

Complete article available at the link above.

[Certain Hope]

Ways That Narcissists Show They Are Aware of the Crimes            by Anna Valerious

Anna writes:

As I have reflected on history with my narcissistic mother I have been able to see clear indications of her awareness of her crimes against me.
I suspect you've seen the same indications with your own narcissist.
I'll name a couple of them:

1)    Her need to hide facts is a sign of someone who knows on some level that their behavior is wrong. On some level narcissists know that they are abusing, using and hurting you.

2) Another thing is that she lies, covers up and minimizes her bad actions of past and present.
When someone lies then you have direct proof that they know the truth.
If she didn't know that her behaviors were bad then she'd have no need to lie about them.
The rages, the martyr act, the helpless act, the many and varied manipulations are all ways that the N are trying to control your perceptions of them.
They are trying to control your mind so you will reflect back to them how they want to see themselves.
It is all deception. Varied forms of it.

The use of deception in any and all its forms is proof of an awareness of truth.

http://www.zimbio.com/pilot?ZURL=%2FNarcissistic%2Bpersonality%2Bdisorder%2Farticles%2F44%2FDeception%2BAwareness%2BTruth&URL=http%3A%2F%2Fnarcissists-suck.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F08%2Fways-that-narcissists-show-they-are.html

[Certain Hope]

When your N Mother is Not THAT Bad  ??  

From  http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/06/when-your-narcissist-mother-isnt-that.html

Narcissists make their "living" by covering up their malignancy. "Plausible deniability" is essential so they can weasel out of all accountability for their deeds.
This makes it hard to find "proof" to issue a final "verdict" on them. This is what keeps you trapped in the relationship.
The most important measurement of the malignancy of a narcissist is in the effect on you.

You can accurately measure the toxicity of the narcissist by the effects on your own soul.

 Whether they snuffed out their cigarettes on your bare skin or stuffed you in a closet for three years, these are not the only manifestations of a malignant narcissist, nor are they the only justification for going "no contact".
Perhaps the only evidence you have of their Nism is how they consistently and sneakily undermined your person-hood and stole who you are from you.
The evidence of who they really are is in the effects on you.
You need to give yourself permission to issue your "verdict" against your N based on the evidence left on your heart, mind and soul.

Malignant narcissism isn't measured by reaching a certain level of hard abuse. It is measured by certain principles.
For example, the first and primary characteristic of narcissism is their insatiable need to "have it all".
All of what? Attention and regard.
 All the attention and kindly regard in any circumstance is theirs by right, in their thinking.
Since attention is essential for all humans to survive (both physically and psychologically), their demand to "have it all" is malicious.
They would deprive you of any of this precious commodity because they MUST have it all.
This principle explains everything a narcissist does. It is the underlying motivation, the very core, for whatever expression their narcissism takes.


Because of their need to "have it all", which means "you can't have ANY", they are predatory. They are constantly stalking their "prey". This is how they make their living.
The fact that they rarely get "caught" in their mistreatment of you is because they are expert at predation.
Like any predator in nature, they seek moments of opportunity.
They don't pounce when by doing so there will be witnesses of their predation (witnesses whom the N thinks may hold them accountable and may try to stop them).
This is why they seek out what they perceive as "weak" targets. Perceived weakness can include someone who is simply kind to the narcissist (!). A child is perceived as weak.
An adult trained by a narcissist parent from childhood who has yet to stand up to the N parent's predations is considered a weak target.
Vulnerability is sniffed out by a narcissist with nearly unfailing accuracy.

Their need to "have it all" and their predatory natures are two basic and primary principles of narcissism. How these manifest are different in every situation. The narcissist adapts to their environment which is why the behaviors can widely vary. The underlying principles remain the same.

To sum up:

Measure the narcissist by 1) the effects manifested in you 2) and by the principles of narcissism. The sneaky narcissist is no less guilty than the overt abuser. In my estimation, they are more evil for their sneakiness and their ability to more effectively hide their malicious predations. The more they are able to hide their malicious intent behind a facade of "goodness", the more dangerous they are. It is much easier to hold to account a person who beats you up physically. You at least have marks and bruises to bear witness of the crime. But someone who beats you up mentally and emotionally leaves no outward mark. This is why I say the sneaky narcissist is more dangerous. In my book, they are also more evil. Which is more dangerous.

[ann3]

Carolyn,

Thank you so much for posting this. The entire article is so on target, but these concepts really touched me and made me feel validated:

The most important measurement of the malignancy of a narcissist is in the effect on you.

You can accurately measure the toxicity of the narcissist by the effects on your own soul.

The evidence of who they really are is in the effects on you.
You need to give yourself permission to issue your "verdict" against your N based on the evidence left on your heart, mind and soul.

love,
ann

[seasons]

Carolyn,

To have the craziness in my (our) heart spoken with such truth is empowering and healing.

Since attention is essential for all humans to survive (both physically and psychologically), their demand to "have it all" is malicious.
They would deprive you of any of this precious commodity because they MUST have it all.

I realize in my heart that I was being robbed of my existence, which is malicious.  This information has been most validating to me and my spirit,  to continue to learn and heal with a loving heart.

With appreciation, seasons

[Certain Hope]

Carolyn,

Thank you so much for posting this. The entire article is so on target, but these concepts really touched me and made me feel validated:

The most important measurement of the malignancy of a narcissist is in the effect on you.

You can accurately measure the toxicity of the narcissist by the effects on your own soul.

The evidence of who they really are is in the effects on you.
You need to give yourself permission to issue your "verdict" against your N based on the evidence left on your heart, mind and soul.

love,
ann

(((((((((((Ann)))))))))))  I'm glad it helped. Personally, I needed this reminder... not only about personality disorders, but just in general - even on a much smaller scale - when it comes to receiving from others in life.  I kinda picture the mallignancy scale of negative behavior as going from pale yellow to glaring red... and I don't ever want to get anywhere near the red zone again. Being more in touch with my own feelings and reactions sure helps to prevent that.

I have learned to watch behavior patterns - - -  especially the way someone treats those who are less "together" than he/she or in less of a position to enforce respectful treatment or to draw boundaries of their own.
That's one thing which really impressed me about my "normal" husband : )    I saw how he consistently treats one of his sisters, who suffers from schizophrenia, with calm respect and firm limits, not taking any of her stuff personally.

If we're fully in touch with our own limits and demonstrating an awareness of those, most people seem to sense that and won't cross the line, from my experience.
But there will always be those who push the envelope... and, like it's said... the surest way to know you're dealing with destructive people (N or otherwise) is that when you tell them to stop, they just accelerate their efforts.

Hope you have a great weekend, Ann!

Love,
Carolyn