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Can a N feel 'true' attraction?

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el123:
Just wondering what you think about this:  Can a N feel true attraction for a woman?  What about true feelings?  I've read the books, this forum, etc. which say a N can only truly 'loves' the mirror image he receives but still I wonder.

The reason I ask is because my N  BIL has always acted as though he was attracted to me.   It's been almost a decade now.  I know that it's not in my imagination as it's been pointed out to me by others.  He stares at me whenever I happen to be in a room with him.  I can feel his eyes on me when I'm not facing him (and sure enough, when I turn around, he's checking me out).  This happens even if there are other attractive women in the room and even if his wife and kids are with him.  My H has even noticed his brothers strange behaviour around me.  He gets sort of tongue tied and flustered around me.  Something I never see him doing around other people.  He's called me on the phone on occasion (to offer me help with stuff or to see if I need anything in a storm, etc.) and genereally treats me better than he treats others around him.  

Recently  there is this 'wierdness' between us.  A *strong* chemistry of some sort.  Now I would **NEVER** even *consider* doing anything with him.  I'm married and have children plus I don't even LIKE this guy.  But there is this unmistakeable chemistry nonetheless.

I've never been unfaithful to any man in my life and would not even *consider* cheating on my H.  I've never given my N BIL even  the slightest suggestion that I'd go with him.  I've never given him any 'supply' as I rarely interact with him at all.  So if he's attracted to the mirror image, the mirror image is one of avoidance as I tend to avoid him whenever I can.  He makes me feel very uncomfortable.

What is this?  Does anyone know what this is about?  Is he truly attracted to me?  And why do *I* feel this recent chemistry with him as well?  I truly do not like this guy.  You can't really hide chemistry I know but then why?  I give him NOTHING.
-E

mighty mouse:
Howdy El123,

My sister has NPD. She gets attracted to all sorts of men and fantasizes about them. She has stalked several men (all in university settings - she likes their intelligence and men that are older). By stalking I mean she sends email (wouldn't stop when asked to), and she fancies that these guys are her great friends. She gives gifts as well even though this isn't reciprocated. She alway seems to think these guys are in love with her. She has told me that so and so man type has looked at her across the cafeteria and that was enough to start her on this stalking behaviour. To me that sounds plenty delusional, but she acts just like it is okay. When I try to point this out (well I don't anymore since we are estranged which is good for me - whew!), she goes into an N regression.

If the guy gives her one iota of attention or tries to be civil or polite, she takes advantage. It's then impossible for them to get rid of her. She was actually kicked out of Harvard for this type of behaviour with her advisor - thought her was in love with her and started writing him letters telling him to stop (doing what I don't know - as far as I could tell he did nothing wrong in a concrete sense). She made up the wrongdoing in her mind.

She seems very benign if you don't know her. And she can even be nice to a certain degree. And she is smart as all get out. But she is mentally unbalanced with this either NPD or BPD or both.

I wouldn't give this guy even one scintilla of attention. He could wreck your life as my sister has done to these men. Be careful. I have seen this first hand and it's scary.

Good luck.

MM

Dawning:

--- Quote ---Recently there is this 'wierdness' between us. A *strong* chemistry of some sort. Now I would **NEVER** even *consider* doing anything with him. I'm married and have children plus I don't even LIKE this guy. But there is this unmistakeable chemistry nonetheless.
--- End quote ---


Maybe you should work on gaining some insight into the *strong*  chemistry part.  If I understand correctly, chemistry implies something mutual.  If it was just stalking, he would be driving you crazy.  When I was stalked, I had to tell the person involved that if they didn't stop harassing me with letters and phone calls, that I would get our employer involved.  But I think if I had felt a chemistry as well, I would see it as *weird* too if that makes any sense.  

Also, never say never.  I've learned that recently.  If he feels that you feel a chemistry too, he is probably going to give you even more attention and it sounds like you don't want that.  So I would set about trying to  answer this question


--- Quote ---And why do *I* feel this recent chemistry with him as well?
--- End quote ---


Maybe its exciting to you....or you like the attention....but I would definitely become mindful of what is happening at your end.  While investigating your own stirrings, I would treat him the same way as you always have not giving a hint of the questions you have about what is going on inside of you.

Hope this helps.

el123:
MM,
Your sister reminds me a little like Glenn Close in Fatal attraction.  How bizarre!  I'm so glad you wrote because although I've never given my BIL much attention in the past, I *have* been civil and polite to him.  But he's not the kind of N that is outwardly so.  So pretty much everybody else is civil and polite to him as well.  Good advice about not giving even a scintilla of attention to him, though.

Dawning,
I know, the strong chemistry part is kind of wierd to me.  Like I said, it's a recent thing (the past few months.  And he's shown attraction-like behavior to me for almost ten years now).  It's this odd primal type of response.  It's not something I'm doing.  It's literally like a sexual energy that he's sending to me and apparently I'm returning? I'm not sure why I have this reaction to him recently.  And like I said, I would *NEVER, EVER* act on it.  Maybe he *is* picking up on it.

Thanks, E

Anonymous:
Of course an N can feel an attraction. If your BIL finds you sexy, attractive, and if he wants to seduce you, I bet it's about a rivalry with his brother. His behavior is inappropriate, disrespectful, and oafish. I would stay very far away from him. He is totally bad news.

bunny

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