stealing money from Mom's purse

[mighty mouse]

I just can't get this incident out of my head.

When I was in first grade, we had to get $2.00 from our parents for a school project. And I remember not wanting to ask my Mom for it. So I stole the $2.00 from her purse. Of course she found out it was missing and to this day I've never "fessed up".

Of course it's not right to steal. But it strikes me that even as young as 5-6 years old, I didn't feel like I could ask for this money for the school thing. I guess I did pennance since I gave all of my baby-sitting money to the missionaries when I got older. And I bought my own school clothes when I got into high school after pledging so much to missionary.

Has anyone else felt such a fear of asking for something. I couldn't even say that I wanted anything for holidays and birthdays. Of course I got stuff, but I never said that I wanted anything. I feel like the voicelessness started very, very early. Could I have felt at such a young age that I wasn't entitled to ask for even simple things?

MM

[Anonymous]

Yes, Mighty Mouse!

This is one of my BIGGEST issues!  I was not allowed to ask for anything!  If I did, I always got the rage, or "you are so spoiled".  To this day, I have trouble asking for gifts, help, or even spending money on myself.  I am very undeserving.  I shouldn't need anything.  Other people have bigger, more important needs.  Other people's needs are more worthy of attention.  If I need something, it takes something away from others and I am selfish.  If I need, someone will be angry or disappointed or jealous.  They will NOT be concerned, or caring, or generous or understanding.

I can completely relate to not wanting to ask.  What a dilemma for a small child: wanting to please Teacher and not wanting to incur a parent's rage.  I would let yourself off the hook for this one.  Your instincts handled it pretty well.  Your mother conditioned you to turn to the last resort tactic for getting your needs met: be sneaky and steal it from her.  It reminds me of Jack and the Beanstalk, where Jack had to steal from the Giant!  

Thank you for sharing this story, MM!  Hugs, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Mighty Mouse,

Has anyone else felt such a fear of asking for something.

 Yeah, what  I posted under "gifts Ns give" about my muteness in the face of a huge bait and switch with promised property and how I didn't ask questions before getting into the mess is the end result of my training to not ask for things. Any request for answers about my mother's and father's actions or plans were met with rage throughout my life. Something as simple as a  request for a ride to the library when I had a broken car was scandalous. I can see how you would be afraid to tell your mom about the money, from my perspective.

flower

[ellen]

I did the same thing too. I was in 1st grade and fell in love with a book at school called "chicken soup and rice". My mom was there after school for some reason and I asked the teacher if I could have the book. She said no, it was for the class library. My mom just stared at me and said nothing. I don't know what came over me, but when they weren't looking, I stole the book. I remember the sense of total shame, and looking back, it is also tied up in voicelessness. I knew instinctually that I didn't have an ally in my mom and she would never buy me the book. Its almost like I took it out of a weird sense of self-protectiveness, like a blanket. I was so ashamed about stealing, I never read it, though. But if I were you I'd go easy on yourself for this one.

[Anonymous]

Dear Mighty Mouse and all,

Ellen wrote:

My mom just stared at me and said nothing

To answer your question, MM, yes, I think we kids can definitely pick up the cues very early on that would silence us.  It doesn't even have to be anything our parents said.  It can be a look, a roll of the eyes, a scowl, a turned back, silent treatment, being ignored, selective deafness, a shove, blindness to a sibling's shove or shout, an attitude.  

Many Eastern European orphans died before age two because they were not held or touched.  The ones that live learn that they have to scream their heads off continously in order to receive any attention and then hang on for dear life.  Those are early, permanent lessons.  

By contrast and with hope, a child can also learn from a parents loving gaze, hugs, smiles, etc.  My children are in middle school and we still hug.  I never refuse a request for a hug.    Hugs to all of you, Seeker

[nassim]

Hi Everyone,

I mentioned on a previous post that I had been in trouble with the law. Now this has been many years ago, but I feel like it's similar to MM's situation but on a bigger scale.

I was working at a small company as a manager. As such I had to oversee the whole operation from hiring to bookeeping (not a strong suit of mine) and really everything. I wasn't being paid enough to do all these things and was working late hours. On top of that the owner of the business would bring his friends into the shop at night and party. There would be trash, wine bottles, cigar and cigarette butts and terrible smells for me to clean up. He also promised some customers of ours a free first class airline ticket to the UK for their business (something we couldn't afford). So I was left as to how to figure out how to accomplish this.

Long story short, I ended up feeling abused and boundry busted. I then decided I needed a raise and took one for myself under the table. And of course I got caught 'cause I'm not a professional.

I know I deserved a raise but couldn't bring myself to ask for one. I knew I was wrong and had started looking into ways to pay this back before I got caught. And I also knew there was something wrong with me. I'm thinking maybe I did this on purpose to get caught. Anyway, I did go into treatment, paid back the money and didn't have to do any jail time. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me as odd as that might sound. I had to figure out why I did this and humble myself to the humiliating experience of going to a probation officer.

I thought after his experience that I had it all figured out for myself. But a few years down the line, I realized there was a piece still missing. This piece was figuring out that I had been raised in a N household. Thank goodness for the internet. My gosh. This whole mysterious world of N has opened and shined a light on my inner hell. It's been a real process to get to the bottom of this and reprogram my brain.

It's so nice that the fog is finally lifted! I have reconciled myself with this episode of embezzlement. And life is good again. I wish any of the therapists back then would have had a clue about the Ns of the world. And now I realize that I shouldn't have stayed in this shop, I should have gotten out sooner.

Nassim

[Anonymous]

Nassim,

It was brave of you to be so open about your experience. I think we are likely to steal when we feel something was stolen from us.

bunny

[nassim]

Bunny,

Thanks for the validation. I know I'm a good person but now I have a record. But I'm still better off (than being in my own prison). Sometimes things have to reach rock bottom before they can surface. And I guess this incident was my wake up call.

Nassim

[Ellie]

I changed my school grade cards before Nparents could see them.

Lucky for me, it was way before the practice today of mailing the cards home. We were given them to take home to parents to sign. Nparents demanded nothing less than a B and even then we were reprimanded for Bs. Only As were good enough, then Ndad said we should have done extra credit to get A+. This from a person who couldn't get past 6th grade! I guess it falls into the category of using us to project his weakness onto for his absolute stupidity. Sorry, feeling very mad tonight.

So as classes got harder and I had not been diagnosed with the learning disorder I had (my daughter is ADHD and through her therapy I discovered I could not and still can not comprehend what I read very well.) Without good reading comprehension, one cannot do well on tests in Science, History, Lit., etc.

Punishment for lower than a B was spanking - big fat beating actually! Then we had to start bringing all books home every night and study each low subject for an hour each after all homework was complete. Carrying heavy books was hard when you are just a little kid. No bus, Nparents refused to drive us. Then Nparents went to the school and blasted the teacher in front of me for daring to give their daughter such a terrible grade - pure embarrassment!

So I decided I would only take that for a year. The next year I got a C I changed the grade card to an A. Got really good at it. Thank goodness I never got caught.

But to me it was so dangerous to bring home a bad grade that I saw it as survival.

Since I paid my own way to college, I would not reveal those grades to them. They tried to get the college to send my grades to them but were turned down - privacy. Something they cannot comprehend. They still will not congratulate me for graduating college.

[October]

When I was in first grade, we had to get $2.00 from our parents for a school project. And I remember not wanting to ask my Mom for it. So I stole the $2.00 from her purse. Of course she found out it was missing and to this day I've never "fessed up".

MM

When my older brother was about 10 or so he and some friends went through a spate of shoplifting sweets from our sweetshop.  They had the sweets behind the counter then, and kids could go back and choose what they wanted - it was dead easy.  Eventually he got caught, and the shopkeeper called the police and there was a lot of fuss about it.

And I copied this, only I started by taking money if I found it lying around the house, and later took money at school as well.  Never much - just pennies really.  I spent it on sweets, and to this day can't feel any guilt about it.  It was there, and I wanted it, so I took it.  This lasted maybe a month or so, while I was 8.  I never got found out.  A friend of mine did it with me, and she is to this day racked with guilt, but I am not.  

To be honest, I think that I wanted to get caught, and when I didn't, I stopped doing it.  I think it was a cry for attention, but it didn't work, because I remained invisible.  It worked for my brother, but not for me, except it didn't do him any good.  

Now I am the opposite.  When I worked I would never take anything from work, not even so much as a stamp, without paying for it.  

So if I ever hear of children stealing, I always think that it is not the same as adults stealing.  They genuinely do not understand ownership in the same way, and it is part of learning about the world.  I do not think it is at all a serious trait in a child.  Well, I hope not.  

[Anonymous]

Ellie,

I feel sooo sad for your school stories!    I have a child with LD and also through that experience discovered what was wrong with my own hearing.  The teachers told my parents that I was going deaf!  I was quite the daydreamer.  Boy was my dad angry.  Not concerned, mind you, angry!!!   I passed the regular beep test because no one had yet developed the CAPD test yet.  But I knew I had something wrong with my hearing.  But no one asked me!  And of course, I couldn't speak up because my father was so angry about it.  

Also, you may see this as well in your school community, some parents have children who are diagnosed early, but the parents cannot accept it.  So they insist on having their version of reality upheld.  When the child can't perform, the teacher gets hammered as well as the child.  "Well, you need to teach him better!"  Lots of anger and/or denial.  We went through our own anger and denial as well, but my H and I decided we would rather have a happy kid who was accepted in her own family than a kid who was faking who she is.  Some kids have so much pressure on them, they cheat.  A lot.  The truth is still hard to accept at times and at other times I feel like I am learning so much through the experience.  

I'm glad your daughter has a chance to have a smoother road in school.  Congratulations on your graduation!    Hugs, Seeker

[mighty mouse]

Thanks to all you fellow theives and sneaks lol....!!!

It's too bad that what we didn't do or acheive got noticed. But when we did good it wasn't acknowledged. I guess it's a running theme with Ns. I always did alot more chores than my brothers and it wasn't appreciated or acknowledged.

I didn't feel as bad about the $2.00 as the fact that I felt I couldn't ask for it.  

MM